NIgga what?

One of my facebook friends posted a satus asking if we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger". As a person that uses the word excessively, I jumped in on the convo. The exchange is below.

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Enigma's facebook Friend: Today's word of the day: Nigger/nigga...... "also if its so bad [the word "nigger"]...why so many black people say whaddup mah nigga and give ME a pound"~ said by Ghee Munnie on I.b. Freeman's stat in which he asked "do people put too much emphasis on the word nigger??".3 hours ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Reynald:  they say[people give words power,but it seems we give it too much power.black folks are theones keeping the word alive,not whites.we keep it going but claiming we flip the meaning.why can we not let it go.

T Smith I think we s a ppl are all over the damn place & sensitive about everything that's why we have no real focus!

Dub Spot Simple- we don't all feel the same way about the word(s). I've heard white teens (15ish) on the upper west side callin each other "nigga" ...so it's not even a blk/hisp thing anymore....or a lower economic class thing.

Enigma's facebook Friend: hey, Reynald... i was just on youtube looking to see if "niggas to gods" was there... didn't find it, though :( we can't let it go because we don't see anything wrong with it til it comes out of the mouth of someone who isn't black.

Marc: It just depends on who says the world. Nigger is used 2b derogritory and we say nigga like it's a term of endearment. The same could b said about bitch. Women will flip if a man calls them a bitch but it's alright 4 her girlfriends 2 call her 1.

Shamaine: Yes ppl hop on the band wagon with such ignorance instead of researching what and where the word comes from! They use it and are just as ignorant as the ppl who use it derogatory!

Dub Spot:  Personally tho..I don't use the n word w/ my white friends...or non blk/non hisp friends...

Reynald : but i do,even if whites and others are using it,we live it the pain of the past and the disrspect of today,why do we need it and why can we not let it go.as far as focus,i try tto teach my young brothers and sisters to reach for thier growth in spiriit and intellect,butmy people areall over the place calling each other as well as themslves niggers/niggas and bitches. also if we were not using it making it fly would other groups/races.we are keeping the word alive.

Enigma Jones: I equate it to talkiing about ur family members. It's ok for you to bash your sister and say she ain't shit but if anyone else outside the fam...your spouse/ sig other included, agrees or says the same thing, it's a problem. lol I use the word nigga excessively. And what? I think people have more important things they need to focus on besides the different spellings/meanings/etc of the word. If it offends you, don't say it, but do not censor me or tell me how I'm holding "us" back just b/c I choose to use it.

Reynald @ENIGMA YOU AR RIGHT I TRY VERY HARD NOT TO USE IT,AND NEVER TELL OTHERS HOW TO SPEAK,BUT PEOPLE WILL PUT THIER BELIEF ON YOU WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOU JUST ASSUME ITS OKAY TO CALL ME AS A BLACK MAN ....NIGGER/NIGGA

Reynald @ eNIGMA'S FACEBOOK FRIEND NIGGAS TO GODS IS ON THE CD MRS BETTY'S SON 2005,MY FIRST CD.

 Enigma's facebook Friend:@ Raynald... i know. i downloaded it all to my computer. i was hoping it was on youtube, though, so i could post it here.

Reynald : SOON THAT WILL BE A OPTION,LASTLY AS A MENTOR TO THE YOUTH AS WE DEAL WITH SEROUS ISOIAL ISSUES,TO GET MY YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEE THIER SELVES AS THINKING,GODLY PEOPLE WE ARE TALKING TO KIDS THAT CALL THEMSELVES NIGGAS AND BITCHES AND THAT IS THE LEGACY WE PAST TO THEM.

Enigma Jones: I personally never understood using the word nigga as a term of endearment, but to each their own. I use the word when I see some real nigga-ish things happening and in the hood, it happens VERY often. But trust me, I know the difference between a man and a nigga/nigger (and a woman and a bitch.) Chris Rock said it best " I love black people, I hate niggas". Why is it that other racial groups can differentiate the good from the bad of their group, but if one set of black people do something ignorant ALL of us are branded for it? I wonder if any white person ever tried to bury the term "white trash" and I wonder if they are chastised when they use the term...

Reynald: @TRACEY NO WHITE TRASH IS CLASSISM,NIGGER IS RASCISM,BOTH INVENTED BY WHITES TO MAKE THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THIER FELLOW MAN,TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR.

Enigma Jones: The term was created by whites, but the people robbing. stealing and acting crazy in our communities look just like you and I.

Reynald: YES,AND WHEH WE TRY TO FIX IT AND MORE THAN THAT THOSE WHO ARE ACTING IRRESPONSIBLE IN OUR COMMUNITY ARE SELF PROCLAIMED NIGGERS AND BITCHES.SO IF WE TALK DIFFERENT WE WALK DIFFERENT.THE ISSUES IN OUR HOODS WERE CREATED BY BLACK AND WHITES,BUT ONLY BLACKS CAN FIX IT.NOT THE SO-CALLED NIGERS.

Enigma Jones: Exactly. Only we can fix it. Not by wagging our fingers because of the verbage some use, but by providing jobs, making sure our children stay in school, activities in our communities that keep kids of the street, parenting classes so that "home" is a more appealing concept to them, imaking it ok for us to feel like we can get counseling instead of looking to drugs/alcohol to ease our pain. Like I said before, we have bigger issues then the words we use. I don't think anyone using the word is unaware of its history. Kids use it because it's become a part of the culture for a certain age goup. Not because they hate themselves or because "the man" is making them. I think if we walk differently then we'll talk differently. How about we get right as far as education/jobs/housing/family/etc and then worry about what we choose to call ourselves.

Reynald: YOU ARE RIGHT,BUT FEEL BLACK FOLKS WHO LOVE THIER PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO USE IT AND ALSO SAY WE BLACKS KEEP IT ALIVE.THINKTHE REASON WE WILL NOT FIX ARE OWN HOODS IS FOLKS THAT FEEL THEY CAN'T AND WILL NOT INTERACT WITH NIGGERS.

Reynald: ALSO CAN WE SEE US UPLIFTING ONE ANOTHER AND MAKING MORE BUSSINESS,SCHOOLS AND SPIRITUAL LEGACY WHILE STILL CALLING OURSELVES NIGGERS.

Enigma Jones: I don't think using the word means you don't love your people. I love my people to the point of exhaustion. I've been volunteering in our communities for 14 years now and one thing I've realized is that some people REFUSE to do better..even when "better" is literally handed to them and all they have to do is show up. Some ppl give up on the hood because that is where most of the ppl that have given up reside and it takes more work and dedication and ALOT of disappointment. I truly understand not wanting to interact with niggers...but it has nothing to do with what they call themselves, it has to do with behaviour. You can call yourself whatever you like, but is the word you choose to use the reason you robbed my house, or stabbed my brother or raped my niece? No.

Enigma's facebook Friend:: yet, we all believe that it's possible to speak things into existence. from this standpoint, I can't see how our "merely using" the word doesn't have negative ramifications.

Tremaine: Ill start by saying I'm white. I grew up in an all black neigborhood. My cousins my best friend and my god daughter are all black. I've grown hearing the word millions of times and at no point in my life have I ever felt comfortable saying the word and I am almost as uncomfortable hearing it. I don't even like repeating it when singing along with a song. I understand that its not my word and it isn't exceptable at any time or place for me to say or use it

Enigma Jones: Enigma's facebook Friend: , I completely understand where you... you’re coming from but the reality is that it’s not even about “speaking into existence” anymore because the harsh reality is that our kids in lower income areas are already screwed and I just can’t subscribe to the notion that it was the use of the word that got them there. I use it and somehow I managed to graduate college, maintain steady employment, and raise a well-rounded, happy, nurtured child. My point is that I think we do put too much emphasis on the word. We have bigger issues that we as a people need to work on and while that word is ONE of them, I in no way believe it is the most important or warrants the attention that it gets.

What do you think readers, do we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger/Nigga"?

Emotionally Unavailabe {DiAl mY hEaRt}*

Sorry, lovey-dovey Enigma can't come to the phone right now. Your calls for weekend getaways and trips to the circus with 'the kids' will not be answered at this time. I'm not available for long talks about your dreams of our tomorrow. I woke up a long time ago. . .your sleeping and dreaming alone, my dear.

Your calls for love and marriage cannot be completed at this time. Please, check the number you are dialing and try your call again. . .when the memories of past calls are not seared into my brain and when my voicemail box is not so full. Oh. . .did you think you were the only one dialing my number????? Sorry . . .I get calls everyday from people just like you trying to sell me dreams without sending me something in writing. . .yes, right now your in the same league as those damned telemarketers. .. trying to sell me something I don't want or need right now, just to fill your own quota and agenda. . .not today. I'll try to get back to you at my earliest convenience, but now just isn't the time.

Yes, I know that I have free-incoming. . .I'm only 25, so it costs me nothing to hear what you have to say... time is on my side. But, in all honesty, I don't want to waste my voice-mails on any unsolicited calls. . .they just confuse me. Perhaps you can draw me a picture and mail it to me since you can't reach me by phone. I'm much more responsive when the actions are shown as opposed to told to me. Yea. . .draw me a picture of that house that you'll buy me with the picket fence and 'the kids' playing in the yard that you just mowed. . .cause without that in front of me, I. just. can't. see .it.

Maybe you should just hang it up, and try your call at a later time. As much as I'd hate to have you forget my number. . .or decide that I'm not the woman you want to call. . . I'd understand. We have different long-distance services that need to be met, and frankly, all I'm doing is burning up your daytime minutes.

So, a word to the wise, try me again when you have the minutes to spare, b/c I don't want to be the reason that you miss out when a more-available woman tries to reach you. Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want to ever speak to you, but when I'm ready, I'll call you. But until that time comes, don't be suprised if I'm emotionally unavailable.

*Originally written for Myspace on May 21, 2007

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
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Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...