The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
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Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...

Now ain't this 'bout a ...

Following are random babblings from an extremely drunk, fed up chick..... (Don't judge me fu**ers)...

Next month marks one full year since I began my relationship with "The Chief". Since then I have been dependent on others to get me lifted. First it was Mr. Big, then it was "OG"(whom I haven't spoken to or heard from since we had an incident back in May *tee hee* another day, another day...), occasionally it would be my partner-in-crime and then it was The Killer. Whomever it was that bought "The Chief" and I together, it was never me just going to my local corner pharmacist and getting it myself. Now that all of the previously mentioned people are either dead to me or determined to stay in the house until she cops a new whip (I hate her for that by the way), I am doomed to go without. Fu**ed up thing is, when I didn't partake, EVERYone around me did and I was always the odd man out. Now that I DO get down, it seems like those I surround myself with either have to stay clean for some job or are trying to be "responsible" WTF?! This brings me to my next point...

I'm a backwards ass.... When my friends were out wildin' a few years back, I was at home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, having "movie nights" watching all four seasons of "Dinasaurs" and helping the kid with his homework. Now that I have myself an entire school year off (the kid is a few states away staying with his paternal grandparent - long story), I find myself left to pAAArty alone. Even my partner-in-crime who, despite having a child way earlier than I, had a moms who didn't mind being her enabler and damn near raising her daughter for her (again, a long story). Anyway, even she is now at home doing the single mom thing (now with a whole new second baby that needs her attention.) All I wanna know is, when the hell did everybody grow up??? Is it so wrong that I wish she would be an irresponsible, neglecting f**k up for just one more year so we can run the streets together??? I don't wanna always have to depend on my flavor of the month to keep my nights occupied.I wanna party with my girls (the other ones are working non stop and/or boo'd up or pregnant) Ugggh. We can never all be in sync. Ain't that some old bullsh*t?!?!?!? I've only got another two good years to blame my reckless behavior on my twenties and only one of those will be without my baby's ever-impressionable eyes a'watchin" lol I NEED TO BE GETTING IT IN DAMMIIT!!! Too bad I'm not a people person, I'd have me a whole new crew of young chicks with no responsibilities what so ever to help me drain the bars and tease the boys. Speaking of boys...

The Killer has lost his ever loving mind. He's losing focus, so I've been backing off to teach him a lesson. Once he notices, I'm sure he'll get it together... lol (ok, that was a joke, but , truth be told, dude is the sole reason why I'm 3 sheets to the wind right now. I'll supply details later...if things get better with us...if not, I'll just never mention his a*s again. *Kanye shrug* That's how it be's sometimes...which leaves me no choice but to recognize the fact that....

I've noticed that I only like a guy if I have to do the chasing. I've had three guys recently damn near profess their undying love to me and I kinda just gave them the gas face and laughed. I really need to get over this issue that I have. Like if a guys comes on extra strong, I automatically assume he's out to get me because (I guess) I don't think I'm worthy enough to have them genuinely want me that much? Which is really kinda weird considering I happen to be one of the most conceited people I know...weird...just one more thing to be worked out in therapy, I guess ( when I can afford it, that is). Which reminds me...

I got a raise at work...not what I asked for, but a raise nonetheless..so Whoohoo?!? I'd say I'm in what they call the "golden handcuffs". I want to leave (ONLY b/c this is not the field I want to work in and I see no real room for growth.The job itself is just fine tho), yet I make just enough to keep me satisfied plus its so damned convenient. I may stay until I'm done with my Masters. We'll see...

My urge to "Chief" was so strong earlier that I literally wanted to cry. CRY. I won't go so far as to say I'm an addicted, but damned if I ain't headed in that direction. And it's not just the "high" part that I wanted. I longed to lick the blunt wrapper and roll up...wtf??? I know... *hangs head in shame while looking out the corner of my eye to see if anyone pulls out a bag out of pity for me* Which brings me to my next point....

Drug dealers suck!!!. I'm just saying, if you gonna sell D. Ruggs then sell D. Ruggs dammit. So tired of all this "I don't sell after 8pm" or "Call me back at whatever time". N*gga, you are a drug dealer...deal the fu*king drugs already!!! Smch

I think I may finally be sleepy... thank you Paul Masson!

'Nite people!

A Teenage Love Affair (The End)

In no time at all "Pookie" and I had ditched our significant others and were back on track and together. This time things were different. In our short time apart, I had changed, and because of that, we changed. For starters, I stopped bringing an entourage with me to visit and he stopped having his crew there when I arrived. We were spending way more time alone with one another, a privilege we had not been afforded often when we were together prior. We also began to spend more time on the phone. I guess you can say our love affair matured.

We spent the next nine months or so as a certified couple. We still hadn't had sex and it seemed like a non-issue. There was one time when we'd set up a day/time to make it happen, but I got held up doing family stuff and by the time I got there his house was crowded. Amazingly we never rescheduled. I said before that I never knew of him having a girl brsides me and this time around was no different. I would come up at random times and he'd always be where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to do. There was never an instance that I can remember of another girl calling my phone or anything and he never seemed to be hiding me, nor did he ever tell me that I couldn't come up there.

This new "grown-up" relationship that we had also ment that I was forced to meet the rest of his family that he stayed with (besides Moonie). This included his female cousin, Dawn. Dawn was Moonie's sister and maybe just a year younger than he was. For some reason, she never really took to me. I used to joke with my friends that she treated me like she was jealous that I got "Pookie" and she was stuck just being his cousin. Looking back, I think perhaps Dominique was her friend and this is what led to her nastiness...? IDK and there's no way for me to find out now, so...fuck it.

Anywho, Dawn never outright came out and said she didn't like me, she would just do things like tell me he wasn't there (when he was) when I called for him. This would usually lead to him calling me back two seconds later asking if I'd just called there for him. Or she'd have a million things she needed "Pookie" to do while I was there, thereby making it impossible for us to be alone.

I tried not to let her shit get too me too much and eventually found ways to avoid her all together. I noticed that if I called and asked for "Moonie" first, she'd just give him the phone with no problem, I'd then have him give "Pookie" the phone. Of the drama of a teenage life... smh

About eight months after we'd gotten back together something in "us" changed to where I felt like I needed to "test" him. Looking back, it doesn't make sense to me, and I want to chalk it up to being young and dumb. I'll have to look at my early volumes of diaries to try to recall what happened to make me feel that I could no longer trust him. But in any case, like I said, I felt like his devotion to me needed to be tested. So, me being a dummy, had one of my friends call him and act like she liked him. She used a fake name and pretended to know him thru a friend that messed with a friend of his. Needless to say, the situation got way out of control. The girl that I'd gotten to call him turned out to be a snake and stole his number without my knowledge and would call him behind my back. This of course took a toll on our relationship because he never mentioned his "mystery caller" to me, so he got the perpatual side eye from me from then on. Now, I knew that he'd never met up with her or anything, but still...(according to her they were talking on a regular basis and never once did he mention that he had a girlfriend.)

Around the same time, I started spending more time with a guy from my class. We were only friends (he was like 5'2, about 75 lbs soaking wet and with rocks in his pocket and his breath smelled like ass--so trust-nothing at all was popping with him). Anywho, I never made it a point to hide my friendship with this guy from "Pookie"" as there was no need to. "Pookie" didn't agree and he'd catch an attitude anytime I mentioned that I'd stayed after school with the guy or went to the mall with him or anything.

One night "Pookie" had called me. He'd said that he was headed back outside to play dice, but wanted to call me before it had gotten too late. Somehow we started arguing. I remember it as the worst argument we'd ever had, but that could just be because...

Like I said, we started arguing. I now think that maybe 'Pookie" took his guilt over talking to his "mystery caller" behind my back and tried to project that on me and blamed his new attitude on the time I was spending with my guy friend. Anywho, we argued. The only thing I remember about the specifics of the argument was when "Pookie" said "Well, I know when you can start spending more time with him...when I hang up."

He hung up, and that was the last time I ever spoke to him.

One thing I remember from the next day was me sitting in my living room looking at the fish tank and being angry that he'd never called me the night before to apologize. I had named one of the fish after him and at that moment I was so hurt and angry that I wished the fish would die. Somehow in my 13 year old mind, seeing that fish dead would make me feel better.

That night I called his house and Dawn answered the phone. When I asked to speak to him, she said ""Ricky died last night". I hung up disgusted that she would go so far with her games and just figured I'd speak to him the following day.

The next morning, I stopped at the diner across the street from my school to get a toasted bagel with cream cheese and jelly. While I was there I also bought the local paper. There on the very first page was a story entitled. "Killed over $5 He Didn't Scam". I read the article as I walked up the block to the school's entrance. As I got closer, my partner-in-crime at the time was walking towards me. I watched as her face went from happy to worried to panicked as she watched me drop the paper and start crying hysterically. She helped me into the school as she yelled for one of our other friend's to get our (8th grade) teacher.

Ricky Bradlee (my "Pookie") was shot and killed within an hour after he'd hung up on me.

So wrong can't even see right

I’m at work stressed and my time to do this is limited so here’s the rundown of what’s going on.

Background: My oldest sister has spent the last year or so working overseas. Her husband and two boys lived may two to three block away from my old apartment and he and I would babysit for one another for weekends, after school, etc. M y son was fine with going over there initially, but it soon got to the point where he would cry when he had to go sometimes. This promted me to have many talks with him regarding good touch vs bad touch, etc. I asked him many times if everything was ok, but he always said things were fine. I even offered up names of some of his male relatives including his dad to talk to about it if not me. I stopped sending him over as much, but my need to have him around a male figure and away from up under Mama led to me sending him sometimes. It was my belief that he disliked being one of three over there as opposed to being the only child at home. Plus, I thought that maybe he just didn’t like the rules and restrictions over there versus my home. I trusted my brother in law and since I had no concrete evidence as to any real wrong doing, I didn’t think my child was in any danger.


So TLC2 has been with his dad since June and last week he called me and told me that TLC2 had told him that my brother-in-law had held him under water in the bathtub and punched him twice on the shoulders HARD. I gave my son’s father my Bro in law’s number and we decided that it would be him, and not me that spoke with him. I wanted this for a few reasons: 1) my son is with his father in NC, I don’t have him in my presence to hear the story first hand and see his body language etc 2.) I believe my son, all of the clues have been there, this was just the missing piece 3.) My bother-n-law’s sanity is questionable (this is a long story in itself, but even given this, I never would have thought he’d do anything to my child because he gives me a certain respect being that HE KNOWS THE DUDES I SURROUND MYSELF WITH. He knows how they get down and he wants no part of it. Thus far, his craziness has been isolated to my sister, who is also bat shit crazy 4.) Because I believe my son, my sister’s husband is just another nigga in the street and can be dealt with accordingly. I owe him nothing, especially not a chance to lie and deny it. (because in my heart it makes since I BELIEVE MY SON 5.) He’s a chauvinistic ass and thinks woman are 2nd class citizens- given that- talk to that man about what his son is saying you did, man-to-man 6.) I want my son to see his dad speaking to the man that hurt him. I need him to see that he has protection and for whatever reason, he didn’t believe MY protection was enough to divulge any of this to me 7.) You put your hands on my child?”? FUCK YOU—I don’t owe u a day in court mutherfucker!!!!

My sister has been home since June as well but I hadn’t seen her much. About two days after I found all of this out, she came to my mom’s house and I said (verbatim) ;”Hey sis, we have a problem (VERY calm—no BEAST MODE at all). Tavin told ____ That ______ MISTREATED HIM. I gave _______ your husband’s number. I’m not sure how all of this is going to play out….” She then gives me the “wait a minute” finger and dials her husband and proceeds to tell him what I’d just told her. I walk away and go in the kitchen ( I was cooking). I hear her telling him to calm down (babe) and then she comes to where I am. She then say “I don’t know, I guess they tryna say you abused him or something. Then she chuckles and LAUGHS. Mind you, she had just told family members that she was afraid of him because he woudn’t give her any space and was smothering her and that she HOPED he didn’t do anything to the kids when she went back overseas because “he would do anything to get back at “ her.

I tell her “Laughing is the absolute wrong thing for you to be doing right now” and she proceeds to ask why didn’t I go to him and he was the one watching my son for me. I turn BEAST MODE on and say Fuck him, I don’t have to call him, I believe my son, there’s too much evidence not too and if he wasn’t treating my child as I would, he didn’t do me any favors and my nephews were with me just as often and were never hurt, traumatized or anything. Then I go upstairs because that is NOT how I want/expected it to go. My sister was supposed to have been staying at my moms for the weekend (this happened last Thurs) I go get dressed and come back down to see that she and all her bags are gone. She didn’t even say bye to my mom who had been upstairs asleep. She and her husband and the kids were moving to NC the following Tues (this tues that just passed so whether or not we’d see her again anytime soon was up in the air. Her husband called my phone that nite and left very calm msg, but I didn’t answer. My reason #8 for not speaking to him is/was because I see red. Nothing I say to him can do any good for anyone and I’d ONLY told my sister first as a courtesy. Also, my mom had told her the same thing the morning before she and I spoke, so it was not a surprise to her. She had all day to think about her moves as I didn’t see her until after work that nite.

Fast forward to this Monday. My mom had been calling her all weekend and getting no response. She comes by the house Monday, not knowing that I’d stayed home sick. I came downstairs briefly and she didn’t acknowledge me nor I her. My mom told us to speak as I went back upstairs and I yelled NO. (bratty, I know but dammit I Am the baby and I feel I’m in the right)

Yesterday she send me an email telling me that if I don’t repay a loan she’d given me by Sept 1, she’ll take me to court. She cc’s her husband and my mom on it. She also gives me her new NC address and tell me to forward it to my son’s father regarding TLC2 if I wish. I respond:

“You are a coward and any shred of respect I once forced myself to have for you due to our bloodline is officially gone. Grown-ups have discussions; hopefully you will learn this soon.

As for the loan, hopefully by the time our court date arrives, my financial situation will be better. Guess we’ll see.


Cordially yours,





I cc her husband, my mom and my two other sisters. My best friend thinks that I should be the bigger person and nip it all in the bud now and that I should have spoken to my sister’s husband. My mother told me I handled it the right way. One of my sisters says I am right (the other prob hasn’t checked her email and has no clue what’s going on in general- she be busy lol). Today my sister, the one who said I was right, sen and email telling us to handle it between us and leave mommy out of t (I didn’t bring her into it to begin with). Before she send this, she calls me to tell me that she believes I’m right, doesn’t want me to feel isolated an is just doing it because my mom asked her to. Fine. But I still feel like I’ being penalized/chastised for something I didn’t do. I honestly feel like I’ve already been the bigger person because I walked away. I didn’t even call in the goons. Nothing.

I just got another message from my sister ” ...You have been notified; for your sake I hope your financial situation improves by my deadline. For the record, I could care less about your "forced respect" (are you kidding me? Is that suppose to hurt my feelings?) I have enough siblings who love and respect me. You had the opportunity to talk to me and you didn't. Such is life...No email wars, take your own advice and start acting like a "grown-up".” I can’t.

For the record, this isn’t about the money with her. The loan was not for that much, she is far from I need of it, and she’d previously told me to give it to her when I could without it breaking me. This is about her being spiteful. I love my sister and I have missed the hell out of her for the passed two years that she’s been gone. Even when she comes homes she doesn’t make time to see me but I chalk it up to life. She has done MANY things in her laugh that make me doubt her ability to be let outside alone or raise children. But she is my sister and I love her and this is killing me.

I feel like my family is so busy trying to stay neutral as to not offend her that no one is trying to stick up for me. I don’t want my mom stressed but hello! IT WAS MY SON THAT WAS HURT. Yet, no one is riding for me. To my face and in my ear yes, but to her, nothing but tip toeing and egg shell walking.


Am I wrong? (only as far as my sister is concerned. I don’t give a shit if I’m wrong regarding her husband.)

Let's finish the Mr. Big saga up, shall we? (Pt. I of II)

After seeing Mr. Big's status change to "In a Relationship", I stopped speaking to him for awhile. Somehow, on the day he actually came to do the exchange of belongings routine, we ended up "chiefing" and started talking casually again. (No, we didn't sex that night) I was, however, able to get some alone time with his blackberry (Yes, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I'm a work in progress) Anywho, I was able to read the more recent texts from his "Her" and found out that they were not in a relationship at the time. ( apparently him having two children was something she was not sure she was ready to deal with) Now the "Her" in question is someone that he and I spoke about often while we were boo loving. We both knew that the other had bench players in the background and we would talk about them often. "Her" was someone he described as a "chicken with a Masters". Yes, she had her degrees(s) but she was unemployed and if he text her at 12 noon asking what she was doing, her reply would usually be either "On *insert random hood block here* smoking with *insert random ghetto ass name of friend here*" or "Watching Jerry Springer". He'd told me that after “Her” bragged about how guys usually told her how bomb her sex was, he had to hold back from laughing in her face the first time they did it because it was so whack and her sex faces were so ugly. Also, among a host of other things, he often spoke about how he often had to give her the “bitch whatever!” side eye. Oh, and let's not forget the time he told me he'd picked her up to "cheif" and she left an "odor" in his car when she got out. (yea)

Now the two of them begin talking in July of last year. For the summer, he wild out and smutted the place up while I “dated”. By the time October rolled around, Mr. Big and I were on full on “boo boo” status. He was at my house most nights, we cooked together, laughed/cried about life together, played Xbox together, had bomb ass sex together and in November I convinced him that I wanted to meet the “Chief” and he made it happen. Christmas rolled around and we shopped for our children together, hell, I even wrapped his sons’ presents while he was at work. New Year’s Eve we bought 2009 in in the 69 position, together. Sometime between then and Valentine’s Day something happened. I remember one night he stood me up and then gave me a foogazy reason. That let me know that something or someone one was affecting his actions towards me. So about a week after he had been a no-show, we were standing in my kitchen cooking and I asked him the status of his “team”. He told me for the most part that it had been dismantled, but that “Her” and he had been talking more lately and were good friends. He said she had recently contacted him to “talk” and that they had been speaking again, but not having sex. I was visibly upset about this for a couple of reasons. For one, when we’d first started talking again, he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with his sons’ mother and she had did him extremely dirty. I was there for him. I listened to him bitch about her, I gave him advice on how to handle his kids’ well-being. In essence, I was his fucking rock thru his hard time.

The two of us had never said we would be together. He never promised that once his shit was together it would be “us”. But I would be lying if I said that was not exactly what I believe in the back of my mind. I knew he had to mourn the end of the relationship and get back on his feet. I also knew that he and I being together would cause major issues with him, his sons’ mother and his sons (at one point in our relationship, I alerted his sons’ mother to the fact that he and I were together. The abridged version: he had told me they were broken up, I fell in love, I found out the truth, I blew up his spot like an army grenade, his son’s mother saw me as the Devil, they stayed together and I threw up deuces.)

Anyway, when he and I were back “on”, everything was so right and came so naturally that I had ASSumed that we felt the same way about each other and that once he was ready we would be (naturally) be together. Ok, I was wrong.

The night before Valentine’s Day he had stayed over and left for work that morning. We hadn’t had sex in about a week (that equated to about a month for us). We were no longer talking on the phone as often and it was no longer assumed that he would be in my bed at night.

About a week after Valentine’s Day, he had stayed over again and I had managed to spend some quality time with his blackberry again. (yea, I know). I had read texts from him to two of his platonic friends and he was talking about his “Boo” to them both. While one of the friends remarked “I guess you can turn a ho into a housewife” to his claim that she was “impressing him”, the other friend wrote that he deserved to be back in love. Oh, did I mention that the “boo” in question was not me??? This crushed me to no end and the next morning I was out of it. I got dressed and off to work as he still lay in my bed. When I got on the train he called me, he had seen me upset that morning and wanted to make sure I was ok. As I sat on the train crying behind my dark shades, I somehow managed to ask him the question that had always been hanging in the air. ‘If you were ready, would it be me?” He let out a deep breath like he knew the day would come when I would muster up the courage to ask and then he replied: “I doubt it. I think I need to start over with a whole new girl”.

Did I mention that HE WAS STILL IN MY BED WHEN HE TOLD ME THIS????

He then said that he and I needed time apart so that we could try to salvage a platonic friendship. I asked him if he really thought he would be able to be with someone else and not come to me for his “girlfriend needs” (i.e crying, bomb sex and that general chill factor, you know, the person you are once the stage lights are off and your at home with the costume that you let the world see you in hanging in the closet). He told me that he knew what he was giving up but that he felt like it was what he had to do.

I think my heart just exploded

Mr. Big just changd his facebook status to "In a Relationship".

It's been exactly one week since he thought "we need some space".

Ouch.

Black Pain

I am depressed (according to the clinical definition)and I have been for as long as I can remember. The sad part is, I did not realize it until last January. At the time, my oldest sister was working at a hospital and got invited to a seminar for Black Health Care Professionals. Since she knew I was having a hard time trying to decide what to go to grad school for, (and since it was at Sylvia’s Soul Food restaurant), she took me along.

One of the speakers there was a social worker turned public relations agent named Terrie M. Williams. Besides speaking, she was also there selling her latest book, Black Pain: It Just Looks Like We’re Not Hurting. Words cannot explain how much this book has touched me. I have never been the self-help book type, but this one right here hit so close to home that I had to share it with others.

The main focus of the book is how black people don’t address the depression or pain we may be feeling within because it is not allowed in our culture. We’re just supposed to “deal with it”. Don’t agree? Think about the last time you heard some starlette was in the hospital for “exhaustion” and you’re reaction to it. Yea. If you’re anything like me, than you were thinking that it was some ‘ole bullshit! lol

Just to give you some insight as to what the book covers, here’s the chapter outline:

Foreword by Mary J. Blige

Foreword by Susan L. Taylor

Introduction: Black Blues

Chapter One: Depression: Not Killing us Softly

Chapter Two: I’m Not Your Superwoman: Overworked, Undervalued, and Under Pressure

Chapter Three: I Wish It Would rain: Black Men and Depression

Chapter Four: It’s A Hard Knock Life: The Young and the Depressed

Chapter Five: That’s What Friends Are For: How Loved Ones Can Help

Chapter Six: A Spiritual Hospital: The Black Church and Depression]

Chapter Seven: Don’t Snap Out of It!: Healing in Your Own Time

Chapter Eight: Oh, Lord, Please Don’t let Me Be Misunderstood: Can I Get a Diagnosis?

Chapter Nine: I Will Survive: Getting the Healing Done-Therapy, Medication,

Alternative Medicine, Exercise and Spirituality

A Final Word: Making A Way Out of No Way


If any of those titles strike a chord with you, I encourage you to get the book. It is definitely worth it. And don’t worry, the read is very easy, not the least bit clinically worded and there are several stories from artists and other stars sharing their stories.

Totally worth it.

For more information, you can visit her website.