What's that saying...?

Yesterday I was talking with my new "Chief" dealer, Shorty Doowop and I realized just how much of a sore thumb I am once I get to talking in an intimate setting. Ya see, I met Shorty Doowop thru a friend. When he finally met me face to face, I was always on my way to some bar or somewhere to party. Now, I'd seen him giving me "the look" but I ignored it. Yesterday, I stopped by his place to pick up a lil sumthin', sumthin' on my way home from work. he seemed surprised that I actually had a full ime job liek a real grown-up and he started to ask me questions. Well, through out the convo he learned the following:

-My parents were together for 25 yrs with not one major argument and only death separated them

-I have 3 older sisters, all of whom have CAREERS, husbands and if not a degree (or two in one instance) then they are currently in school.

-I have a college degree and fully intend on going for my Master's and ultimately my PHD.

- I currently am not working in my CAREER, however my current position makes me a vital part of my company as a whole and as the ONLY black woman (and only 1 of 2 blacks in general) my work is often scrutinized a lil more than the rest, but no one can deny that I'm damn good at what I do. Also, my boss must have some faith in my intelligence as i am responsible for reviewing legal docs from anywhere from 2- 20 pages long and when I'm done, I tell him to sign and he does- no questions asked.

-I volunteer in my community

-I have a proposal for a non-profit that I've been working on for a few years now

He was a lil shocked. He told me that when he first met me, he just figured I was another chick running the streets, laying on her ass all day and neglecting her kid(s). :/ I say all of that to say, you don't know anyone until you KNOW, them. Remember that.

Half Baked

***Editor's Note: This was actually written on the 28th- (Sunday Night) but due to technical difficulties I couldn't post it then

I am sitting in my new apartment thinking about how, at this precise moment, I am feeling like the grown-butt-woman I knew and looked up too when I was a youngin. Just a few years ago I was looking at young women who had decent-paying full-time jobs, their own dope ass apartment and their kid (if they even had one) was always put together and she herself was never off-point appearance-wise. I am finally she. I still sometimes see chicks doing something I know for a fact is difficult to do, and wonder how they manage to pull it off so effortlessly (or at least succeed in portraying it to be such) not even realizing the difficult shit I face and conquer each day that other chicks (be they younger or not) try their damndest and can't pull off..

IDK....This blog post was supposed to be me telling ya'll that Friday was Obama's birthday and he spent the night and most of the following day with me, and him being on his way here right now, and me being confused again.

But, I'm high. And this is the blog you got, dammit.

Read it and weep bitches. Don't care if it don't make sense. Like I said I'm hiiiigggghhhh!!!

lmao

These are my confessions...

I miss Mr. Big. {check the labels with his name to get caught up if you ned to. I'm way too high to link shit right now.}

I'm tired of being single. Nah, fuck that. Since this is confession time, let me word it as I feel it: I'M LONELY! :(

I realize the the way I'm dealing with my father's death is by worrying about my mother. It's like I don't ever really relax b/c I convince myself that she needs me. So I'm back and forth at her house all week. Yep, maybe it's that me saying I don't want her to be by herself is also me saying I don't want to be by myself..

I'm pretty high right now.

I'm also pretty high. As in I look pretty when I'm under the influence. Conceited? Yes. So?

I rocks with "Obama" but I ain't no politician

Yesterday I finally chilled with Obama after bullshitting on meeting up with him for like two weeks straight. We didn't have any set plans ..more like we agreed to meet up and take it from there, but we knew drinking and chiefing would be involved. So he comes to get me and lees than twenty minutes later his sister calls him to come get her and his niece from across town. He has her on speaker as he tells her that he has his friend, a girl, in the car already. I hold my breath for her to say something slick but she doesn't. He agrees to come get her and we drive that way.

For the whole ride my stomach is in knots because I absolutely HATE meeting the chicks of the family of a guy I'm just fucking with on a superficial level. I always expect there to be attitude coming from them. So we go get them and as we're waiting for his sister and niece to come downstairs he tells me how close they are and even shows me that in his phone, his sister is listed as "Wifey". Now I'm really feeling anxious like damn...this chick gonna get in here and be on some other shit since I'm some random chick that she's never heard about before and he's damn near her man.

Anyway, they get in the car and his neice is like 16 yrs old, oh great, she prolly some sassy ass too, I think. He introduces us and everything is cool. I'm thinking to myself, "Ok, I can get through this little ten minute ride back to her crib." Well the tee hee hee is on me as somehow along the ride to drop them off, they come up with the brilliant idea that we're all gonna stop at the liquor store, get a big bottle of Pinnacle vodka (great stuff btw) and some chief and chill at her house for a minute. Ok...whatever...I prepare myself for the bullshit to come.

We get in and I see his sister is the true definition of hood chick*...she's like 30...with a 16 yr old daughter...an eyebrow piercing, the half shave hair-do..tatoos...alladat. But, much to my surprise, she is cool as hell!!! The whole time I'm there people are dropping in from next door, her dude comes by and sits and drinks with us, the weed man** comes by to drop off our shit and stays to chief with us..we start talking about Chris Brown/ Rhianna and I'm really enjoying myself. Obama and I are flirting and I'm remembering why I liked him so much, even though he and I never chilled in a public setting before, but I'm liking seeing this side of him. The sister's next door neighbor is this 18 yr old Puerto Rican kid who just got home from doing a couple of months and I can tell that he really looks up to Obama..(both figuratively and literally seeing as how Obama is like 6"6). As dude is talking he mentions how he really wishes he was home to go to Obama's baby shower. I hear this and look at Obama who is in the midst of rolling an el and refuses to look up and lock eyes with me. I make a mental note to dig into that topic with him later. Then his sister gets back from changing her clothes and we all start talking and she mentions in passing him having a baby on the way, but she says it like a question like, "You know he has a baby on the way, right?" and points to him as she says it. She doesn't do this in way as if she's ratting on him or trying to play me, more like she was in the middle of telling the story (of how she's trying to stay out of trouble and is much calmer than she used to be otherwise she'd fuck his babymomma to be up daily).I tell her, "No, I didn't know that but I'm gonna talk to him about that later" and I give him the side eye. He just smiles his Obama smile and the convo goes on.

A few hours go by and we leave out to drop his sister at this card game, he and I decide not to go in since neither one of us are gamblers and we drive around and talk. All nite I had been pretty much threatening him that we were beefing, so he knew I would have some shit to get off my chest. Now the issue with him having a child on the way is that he and I discussed the fact that he still didn't have children and he said something to the affect of nah, not yet and mentioned that he was waiting on the right person. Tchnically he didn't lie (unless you want to call it lying by omission, which I do) but there were plenty of times to mention his child to me...especially since she is set to arrive into the world in less than three weeks. He said he was gonna tell me when we saw each other, he just didn't have a chance since we hadn't really been alone all night. As we talk I also learn that he lives with the mother-to-be. Ok, I get it set in my head that we'll just be cool and chill...especially since I wasn't interested in a actually sleeping with him again...that is..until we were parked outside my house and he brushed the air out of my face and traced my collar bone with his fingers and then I remembered my favoritest part about him..he is a fantabulous kisser. So...we ended up making out in his car. :/

He called me this morning to make sure I was ok (I had told him last night that vodka gives me a hangover the next morning) and we made plans to meet up. Yea, I know...as a member of the she woman man haters club I should leave that man be and make him go home to his pregnant girlfriend during the times that he's trying to spend with me...but you know what, I won't. *shrugs*

I won't sleep with him (because I have no desire to) but I will chill with him and I will kiss him and let him feel me up from time to time if the mood so hits me. I'm learning how to date without putting all of my eggs into one basket and this will do just fine for me. Especially since I have a boyfriend now (that will probably be the next post b/c I've gotta get dressed to take my niece to the movies).

But yea, I'll still mess with him. and the beautiful part is that now I have a valid excuse for being a total cock tease, without having to tell him that he sucks in bed. So win, win for me. Plus, since I know what it is from the door, he doesn't have to worry about me blowing up his spot with his girl. Win win for everyone (except his girl, but him not spending the times with me does not mean he'd necessarily be home with her so whatever)

Ta ta for now...

*I have a friend that I'll call Brooklyn being as that is where he is from...anyway he and I have been knowing each other for a few years now and we have a homie/lover/friend relationship/ I told him that b4 I ever get married I need to have a threesome and he will be the due, so we both tend to let each other know when we stumble upon a chick that would suit both out fancies to round out our threesome. As I was sitting next to Obama at sister's house, Brooklyn text me to see what I was up to and I let him know I had a new girl crus and that even though she was hood, she was thick and she was bad (not bad meaning bad but bad meaning good ha ha ). He asked me to send a pic but, duh, I couldn't do that. Now I'm wondering how I can get Obama's sister to be in a threesome with me and my dude without her brother finding out. SMH

**Speaking of the wed man...this nigga started talking and in the midst of my own high I thought he was getting amped for a party he was going to ...and he was saying how he'd just popped and E pill and had had some Remy and was feeling ready to pop something... I thought he was talking about smashing some chick...but...when I zoned in and actually listened to what he was saying...this nigga wsa talking about going to look for some dude iwho had did something to his boy so they coiud kill him.WTF...he blew everybody high and then left. I could feel the hole room breath a sigh of relief when that door closed behind him.

SMH

Mi Vida LOCA!!!!!!!!

Me & Kanye, man...f*cking GENIUSES

Some thoughts of the last hour or so:

I wonder if the reason Mr. Big was so ok with introducing me to the "chief" was because he knew I would need it to help me get over him

I think I'm going to be a mean, cruel bitch and make boys cry. I'll be all nice at first and make them fall in love with me (married or not)* and fuck their life up real slow like. Make them be so in love wit the kid that they leave wife(y). Then, soon as I got them where I want them, I'll diss 'em and be like "You left that good woman for my trifling ass???? You stoopid!" and smh and give them the ill gas face. Yep, I wanna make boys cry....

When my parents get back in from the grocery store, my first words to them is going to have to be "Don't worry despite what it smells like, the house was never in any real jeopardy of getting burned down." ( I just reaaaalllllllyyyy wanted some cookies.)

Speaking of which...here's some real fat girl shit for you . You know Pillsbury cookie dough that comes ready to bake? Yea, well I baked 4** and ate one raw.

Yum.

I am just as fucked up as I wanted to be right now. I had a rough day. Had to go out and get me a pregnancy test at lunch. It was negative and trust your girl went and got a 12-pack of Magnums. (Yes, TK and I always use them (seriously) but there was a malfunction about two months back and then my cycle got funny on me. But, like I said it, was negative. I'll just say this, ain't nothing like those few hours before you decide it's time for you to finally take the test. All the shit that you think about. SMH... and then the simultaneous relief and disappointment you feel once it's negative. Ain't nothing like that....

Speaking of TK, I'm getting real tired of his black ass.

I read somewhere that you should make the curse words pretty with symbols and shit so that people with a block at work can still read your blog from their jobs. I tried.... I say fuck that *kanye shrug*

Haha...today my white, dorky frat-boy co-worker was telling us about his weekend, said he'd gone to a spa with his roommate (they're straight). When we gave him the side eye he said ""Well we didn't massage each other." What?! That's not usually how it's done in spas anyway...but ookaaaay!!! LMAO! Me think the boy doth protest too much! lol

OMG! These cookies are everything I want in life and more!!! nom nom nom nom***

Time to chow. Later!!!!

*Yea, I said it

**I lie...it was actually FIVE

*nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom

Duh, Enigma!

So remember when i was venting about not being able to find D.Ruggs when I needed to? Yea, well I just realized why that is...DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL..>DUH!!!! Yes, that is a point that I had to actually have pop up in my head as opposed to me being aware of it from jump. See, the thing is...I'm a very straight a narrow kinda girl. I have always lived the life of a certified "good girl" and, I can admit....I'm quite naive at times.

The one times I ever had a run-in the the police was when I was driving and got stopped for my brake light being out. I was driving with a suspended license at the time and the damned copper man towed my hoo-ride. :(

Anyway...driving is the only time that I feel I am putting myself in jeopardy of getting arrested. In fact, as long as I don't do something stupid like going up to a cop and spitting in his face, I should be ok. Or at least that was the case until I picked up this bad habit.

That's why it never occurred to me that the reason its so hard to get my hands on the stuff without knowing the right people is because the ish is illegal. Dealers HAVE to be secretive and on some extra covert ops type ish in their business...IT"S ILLEGAL. (duh.)

I'm so air headed sometimes it's ridiculous, I swear.. SMH.

CandyLand: Open Admissions? I think NOT, sir!

About a week or so ago I bumped into a dude I used to talk to. For the purposes of the blog, his name will be "Obama" as he resembles the POTUS quite a bit. Now Obama was also a cool dude and prided himself on being and to "pop sh*t" as much as I do, so our convos were often more like debates than anything else. Anyway, our friendship consisted mostly of him coming over and us having a drink and watching a movie or something. Nothing major. Even though he lived down the block from me, he would sometimes spend the night. Most of the time we just cuddle. In fact, we only slept together once. I kind of backed up from him after that because he was always busy (he plays semi-pro basket ball and was always on the road. when he wasn't balling, he was working construction which had him occupied for most of the day and then tired most nights). Another reason I backed up was because he was boring in bed. I remember that the one time we did it, I had to take over so that I could get some sleep. If he wasn't such a cool dude I'd even go so far as to say he was garbage in the sack. *kanye shrug*

So since we bumped into one another and exchanged numbers, hes been calling and asking we can meet up. I have no problem with this/ he's a very cool dude and, I gotta admit, when we met up , homeboy was looking quite fresh. So during our last convo, I told him that I wanted him to find a good bootleg copy of "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" so that we could watch it while we chief'. He said he'd try and added that we had stuff to get caught up on and plus "he's trying to see what's up in another way". I say "Huh?" and he lets it be known that he's trying to smash and went on to say "Cause you started bullsh*tting before. What, it wasn't good?" *bank stare*

Seriously, why do guys ask that??? Don't they teach context clues in grammar school? Being that I'm single, and ready to mingle, if it was good, wouldn't I be anxious to jump back in the sack with you??? Good peen is not something that I need to be persuaded to partake in.

So, always trying to spare some poor man's ego, I say "I never said that." (notice how I didn't answer the question? lol Then I remind him that I was at work and that we'll talk later. Hopefully the next time we speak he minds his manners. I'd hate to have to hit him with my fav Lil' Kim line "I'll pass nigga, the d*ck was trash..."

But this seriously has me thinking, wtf is up with guys? Do they really think that just because they get admitted into Candyland once that they just get an open invite to cum again as they please?? Really? I hadn’t seen this dude in at least six months and we hadn’t had sex in at least two years prior to that. Wtf would make him think that I’d just be down just because we bumped into one another less than a week ago. And it’s not like he got it so easily the first time, we didn’t have sex until a little after a year of knowing one another.

I find this to be quite a disturbing trait in the male species as he's not the first to behave this way. I remember there was a dude that I grew up with who I had quite the flirting friendship with. One of us was always saying something inappropriate to one another or saying that the other was "my play boyfriend/girlfriend". When I moved form the neighborhood, we lost touch. I saw hm years later and he acted as if I owed him pu55y from our earlier years of flirting.

Again I must ask...WTF? Does this happen to anyone else?

p.s. TK and I didn't meet yesterday, so no updates on that just yet.

Introducing: The "iCock"

Over the weekend I had a chance to finally meet up with a friend I'd met thru myspace a few years back. Despite living just a subway ride away from one another, Saturday was the first time we'd ever met face-to-face. a friend of hers was having an event in Greenwich Village at this Caribbean restaurant I've been meaning to get to so we started out night there.

Well, in true form for us both, neither one of us made it there on time, we were actually both at least 45 minutes late. Luckily, all of the guests were on CP time as well because we were some of the first people there By the time the other guests had started flooding in, we'd both eaten and were on our second and third drinks. Plus it turned out to be a major yawnfest even with a packed crowd. So we made our exit so that we could find a place to put something in the air before moving on to out next destination .

We find place to "chief" and then she suggest that we go to one of the many sex shops along the strip. We go in and much f*ckery ensues. After looking the costumes we go to the back where the (grown up)toys are. Who knew there were so many things to choose from???????

There was this contraption that a female could wear under her panties that would vibrate and penetrate and...get this...it had a remote control so that her partner could control the device while they were out in public. Oh how I need that in my life...

Next thing we saw had my friend ask 'Seriously, when is that ever necessary?!" what was it you ask? It was a double dong (a two sided dildo for two women to use for simultaneous gratification) but get this...one side was black and the other white. lmao Huh??? Why would that ever be necessary????? lol

My friend and I leave out of that store and go to one right next door. It's in here that I lay eyes on the sleekest looking vibrator I've ever seen in my life (pictured above- Made by LELO). It was so sleek, the box it was in looked just like the one my iTouch came in. And the price? $189.99. I immediately dubbed it the iCock (if u look at the pic closely, it has the same buttons as on a iPod) and told my friend that for that price it better be pre-programmed with the musical stylings of Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross and Barry White. lol

As if not to be left out of the "WTF?!" portion of our visit there, we turn the corner and see masks...ok...some people are into that. What disturbed me was that the ONLY masks hanging up were one of OBAMA and FRANKENSTEIN. W. T. F????? lol

SMH

I tell you....only in New York lol

Drugs Are Bad {Part Deux}

Editor's Note: I am NOT crazy.

****************************************************************

So The Killer and I had a chance to link up on Tuesday nite after only seeing/speaking to each other sporadically the past few weeks. In fact, Tuesday was our first time speaking AT ALL in seven whole days (alot considering how we started out)

Anywho, below are some bits of our convo that made him say I may need therapy:

The Killer: "Cause no matter how much you may want to punch me in the face, kick me in the stomach, whatever...it's still nothing but love here. That's why we can come together and build like this. You in my life from here on believe that...

Me: *waves hand like "Boy stop"

The Killer: *pauses his sentence and gives me the mean face* YOU THINK I'm BULLSH*TTING YOU?!?!?!? YOU DON'T THINK I MEAN THAT SH*T???

Me: "Nah, not that. I did that because don't no body want to punch you in the face or stab you..."

The Killer: *Laughing* "WHO THE F*CK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT STABBING??? You wanna stab me shorty???

I start laughing at this point too because I didn't even mean to say that. I surprised myself to the point where right after I said the words I said "What?!" as if they came from some one else. lmao

As if that wasn't bad enough, as he's clowning me now and calling me crazy, I'm trying to tell him how I don't even believe in resorting to violence with guys and that I'm so conceited that I truly believe the worse thing I can do to ANYone is take my love away. I'm not going to get all crazy, nah, I'm just gonna make it so that you don't have the pleasure of seeing my face or hearing my voice.

Anyway, I'm steady trying to convince him of my sanity with arguments like "I cheered when Jody knocked Yvette's ass out after she hit him when he was trying to leave" and ish like that. Then I say, "Cause I am so not even the f*ck your money up, kill your dog type of chick." Again...what??? (did I mention that he has two dogs, Prada and Polo that he adores???)

He again pauses and then starts laughing like 'You gonna kill my dog???" By now we're both laughing uncontrollable and I'm trying to tell him, "Noooooo, I meant to say rabbit!! I don't even know why "dog" came out." (I was thinking Basic Instinct). He then says "Like that's any better!!!" and shakes his head.

After we calm down our laughter a little, I give him the *kanye shrug* and say, 'F*ck it. I told you awhile back that you bring out my violent side, so just get your sh*t together and shouldn't have any problems.

Drugs are bad people. SMH

Now ain't this 'bout a ...

Following are random babblings from an extremely drunk, fed up chick..... (Don't judge me fu**ers)...

Next month marks one full year since I began my relationship with "The Chief". Since then I have been dependent on others to get me lifted. First it was Mr. Big, then it was "OG"(whom I haven't spoken to or heard from since we had an incident back in May *tee hee* another day, another day...), occasionally it would be my partner-in-crime and then it was The Killer. Whomever it was that bought "The Chief" and I together, it was never me just going to my local corner pharmacist and getting it myself. Now that all of the previously mentioned people are either dead to me or determined to stay in the house until she cops a new whip (I hate her for that by the way), I am doomed to go without. Fu**ed up thing is, when I didn't partake, EVERYone around me did and I was always the odd man out. Now that I DO get down, it seems like those I surround myself with either have to stay clean for some job or are trying to be "responsible" WTF?! This brings me to my next point...

I'm a backwards ass.... When my friends were out wildin' a few years back, I was at home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, having "movie nights" watching all four seasons of "Dinasaurs" and helping the kid with his homework. Now that I have myself an entire school year off (the kid is a few states away staying with his paternal grandparent - long story), I find myself left to pAAArty alone. Even my partner-in-crime who, despite having a child way earlier than I, had a moms who didn't mind being her enabler and damn near raising her daughter for her (again, a long story). Anyway, even she is now at home doing the single mom thing (now with a whole new second baby that needs her attention.) All I wanna know is, when the hell did everybody grow up??? Is it so wrong that I wish she would be an irresponsible, neglecting f**k up for just one more year so we can run the streets together??? I don't wanna always have to depend on my flavor of the month to keep my nights occupied.I wanna party with my girls (the other ones are working non stop and/or boo'd up or pregnant) Ugggh. We can never all be in sync. Ain't that some old bullsh*t?!?!?!? I've only got another two good years to blame my reckless behavior on my twenties and only one of those will be without my baby's ever-impressionable eyes a'watchin" lol I NEED TO BE GETTING IT IN DAMMIIT!!! Too bad I'm not a people person, I'd have me a whole new crew of young chicks with no responsibilities what so ever to help me drain the bars and tease the boys. Speaking of boys...

The Killer has lost his ever loving mind. He's losing focus, so I've been backing off to teach him a lesson. Once he notices, I'm sure he'll get it together... lol (ok, that was a joke, but , truth be told, dude is the sole reason why I'm 3 sheets to the wind right now. I'll supply details later...if things get better with us...if not, I'll just never mention his a*s again. *Kanye shrug* That's how it be's sometimes...which leaves me no choice but to recognize the fact that....

I've noticed that I only like a guy if I have to do the chasing. I've had three guys recently damn near profess their undying love to me and I kinda just gave them the gas face and laughed. I really need to get over this issue that I have. Like if a guys comes on extra strong, I automatically assume he's out to get me because (I guess) I don't think I'm worthy enough to have them genuinely want me that much? Which is really kinda weird considering I happen to be one of the most conceited people I know...weird...just one more thing to be worked out in therapy, I guess ( when I can afford it, that is). Which reminds me...

I got a raise at work...not what I asked for, but a raise nonetheless..so Whoohoo?!? I'd say I'm in what they call the "golden handcuffs". I want to leave (ONLY b/c this is not the field I want to work in and I see no real room for growth.The job itself is just fine tho), yet I make just enough to keep me satisfied plus its so damned convenient. I may stay until I'm done with my Masters. We'll see...

My urge to "Chief" was so strong earlier that I literally wanted to cry. CRY. I won't go so far as to say I'm an addicted, but damned if I ain't headed in that direction. And it's not just the "high" part that I wanted. I longed to lick the blunt wrapper and roll up...wtf??? I know... *hangs head in shame while looking out the corner of my eye to see if anyone pulls out a bag out of pity for me* Which brings me to my next point....

Drug dealers suck!!!. I'm just saying, if you gonna sell D. Ruggs then sell D. Ruggs dammit. So tired of all this "I don't sell after 8pm" or "Call me back at whatever time". N*gga, you are a drug dealer...deal the fu*king drugs already!!! Smch

I think I may finally be sleepy... thank you Paul Masson!

'Nite people!

Drugs Are Bad

Some of my thoughts from the last 24 hours:

I should totally become the world's first African-America, female serial sniper. My goal is to get all of my exes by shooting them in just one nut. I'd also shoot a couple of random guys just so that the connection is not just on me. I won't kill anyone cause like Madea said, they give you too much time for that. But I'm seriously thinking that the thought of the no-gooders walking around with half their nutsack blown off would TOTALLY be worth serving a few consecutive attempted murder sentences. And as if to confirm that this is my destiny, while looking for a pic for the blog, I stumbled across this ^^^ pic. *purple is only my most favoritest color in the whole wide world!* It's a sign I tell ya....

For some reason I cannot stop thinking the work "Doppelganger". I don't know why, but the word pops in my head at the randomest times and I have no choice but to say it aloud whenever it happens...weird...

I realized I may take my need to know too far. Saturday as I was walking across the street on my block, a woman in a truck asked me for directions to our community center. I recognized her face and started to say 'Hey, what's up, Lu" until I remembered that she doesn't know me. In fact, the only way I know her is from doing some "investigating" on Mr. Big a few years back using the interwebs. She wouldn't know me from a can of paint. Oh what a dangerous tool this world wide web is ...smh

The Killer and I were "building" last night into this morning ( I have not slept AT ALL and I still came to work like a good little worker mule). Anywho, we were "building" and I let him in on my sniper plans. I also told him that if I live to be 80 than I'll start poisoning people around me with tainted cookies and kill my neighbors slowly or something, you know, just because. He, always the thinker, mentioned jail time and the possibility of me being raped. My response? "That makes it even better!! How else will I get young, rock hard dick as an eighty year old woman? I can go in there and smut up the joint real good for my final days. Yay! lol I love that he "gets me" and my sick ass sense of humor. But that;s probably because I get his. because he then informed me that would "most def" fuck and 80 yr old woman. Talkin' bout he'd call Hugh Hefner afterwards bragging like, "Yea, I'll be like I broke that bitch hip, son!!! When was that last time you broke a bitch hip from fucking her?!?!?!?"

We're sick, I know*

I'm thinking of changing my name to Angela and not telling anyone and just ignoring anyone that fails to call me by my new name.

I may have a death wish...I threatened to "stab the shit" out of The Killer TWICE last night/this morning. I also remember telling him (within the first two weeks of us kicking it) that he bought out a violent side of me that I didn't know I had and that I often envision myself capping him and watching his head recoil back in slow motion as a bloody tooth escaped from betwixt his lips. Last night he just mushed me and told me to shut up and grab his dick. (we laughed as I shrugged my shoulders, grabbed his dick and layed my head on his chest as we layed there and talked about how disrespectful Tupac was on his single "I Hit "em Up")

SMH

So dysfunctional....

*No 80 year old women were harmed in the writing of this blog

Introducing: "Older Gentleman-friend" (OG)

Because I've mentioned him twice already, I figured it would only be right to introduce my readers to 'ole mr magic himself, my "Older Gentleman-friend"(OG).

I met my OG about six years ago about 6 months after Ex-fiance and I parted ways. I was standing at a bus stop one night on my way home from a Fashion Entertainment Board meeting at my school when a Jeep Cherokee pulled up in front of me and a very distinguished looking man hopped out. As he approached me, I accessed his appearance to determine whether he would be given the time of day. Tall? Check. Good looking? Check. Well dressed? Check. Only thing left was to see if all of that became insignificant once he opened his mouth. I said a silent prayer that this attractive, slightly older gentleman would not utter anything even remotely close to "Hey shorty, what it dew?". I was pleasantly surprised when he said "Hi, how are you? My name is OG and I had to stop when I saw you."

He explained that he was in a rush, but offered me a ride since it was sort of late. I declined giving him the "My mother told me not to take rides with strangers" line and I instead provided him with my telephone number when he asked. He called me the next day and we had your average introductory conversation: marital status? Kids, if so how many? Interests. . etc. We made a date to go out for drinks the following weekend. We spoke throughout the week leading up to our date and he had my attention.

Fast forward a few weeks and he had become my drinking sponsor. I was 22 at the time and was just getting acquainted with liquors 80 proof and higher. Though he was older, we had a lot of things in common and never really had those uncomfortable lulls in conversation that sometimes happens.

Because he had a daughter that was a mere eight years younger than I, OG was never put in to the "potential boyfriend" category. In fact, we have often gone thru phases when we are extremely hot and heavy, and then some when we don't speak at all.

He has since become a very crucial part of my life even though it has not been until the past month or so that I've learned of vital information about him (Like the fact that he had just gotten out of a 6 year marriage when we met and that he'd had a vasectomy, and that he used to be a chef).

Our relationship became sexual within the first three months of us dating and I am inclined to believe that part of the reason why we have not lost touch for too long is due to his big *ahem* ego ( he talks like this cuz he can back it up, he can back it up, he talks like this cuz he can back it uuuuuup! lol). I see him now as my "break in case of emergencies" penis and he never disappoints.

OG is what my bestie describes as "strange". (She and I JUST recently came to this realization about him and the word fits him so damned well). Now I don't mean he is strange in the trekkie convention kind of way, more like, he just . . .I don't know. He lies about very minor things. Though at one point we lived a mere 4 or 5 blocks from one another, there would be times when I would not see him AT ALL- not his car parked on his block, not riding down the street, NOT. AT. ALL. And then out of nowhere he'll call and pick up where he left off with me like it was nothing. He owns two cars besides "Baby", and they are all 2005 and later, yet he will ALWAYS cry broke. ( I susupect he does this to avoid hitting "Sugar Daddy" status w/me,despite the fact that I have never asked him for anything and he just offers things to me randomly) One time he was complaining about how broke he was and then two days later picked me up with a new tv installed in "Baby". I have no idea where he gets this money from even though I know he drives trucks as a day job. Though we are both extremely guilty of using the other for sex, he sucks at the morning-after call and that irritates the hell out of me. There have been many times throughout our "friendship" that I revoked his coochie coupon due to his inability to show his respect for me the morning "after". Now, don't get me wrong, he was never a potential boyfriend, so my feelings were never hurt, he just needed to be trained. In fact, up until recently, it had been years since he and I did anything sexual and he still has yet to regain all of the privileges that he once had.

But, I realize that he is one of the few (if not the only) male(s) that I can actually call my friend. I have had two boyfriends (Mr. Big and Rocky) since meeting him and was able to talk to and get advice about both of them from him. When Rocky got locked up there was a period of a week or two where no one knew what was going on with him and OG was able to talk to a few friends and get me his contact and visitation info. When Mr. Big and I stopped speaking regularly, OG became the person that would set me up with the "chief" and a stiff penis when needed. He has also proven himself to be quite relaible when it comes to giving rides when it's raining or late and I can call him at any time, day or night just to say "Hey" and babble about stupid things and he picks up and listens (despite having to be to work at 5am).

When his daughter was in high school, I was the one who made him aware of the sneakiness that all teenage girls behold and strongly encouraged him to keep an eye on her. We joke now at how funny it is that I was trying to convince him then that she was into some shit and now I have to constantly convince him that her spending her money like it's water doesn't make her a crackhead, it just makes her a 20 year old with no children.

Also, OG was the reason for my first ever groupie moment. It was about four years ago and I had cut him off in order to pursue other options and had not spoken to him in about four or five months. Then one day I saw him ride by in "Baby" his spanking new royal blue Mercedes coup with the all-white leather interior. My butt had to come in contact with those buttery seats. I had to get behind the wheel (did I mention that OG was also the person who taught me how to drive?) and I had to have at least two of my exes see me doing so. So, he and I began speaking again and I accomplished all of the above.

Yep, OG has a special place in my heart for many reasons. But, I think the main reason is because in all the time that I have known him, another woman has NEVER been an issue. I have never received any calls (yes, I do keep in mind that this could be due to the age/maturity of the possible women). But I have never so much as seen him in the car with another woman. (and I can not honestly say how I would react if I ever did). There has never been an instance when I've called and he does the I'm-next-to-another-woman-that-I'm-also-boning-and-I-don't-want-either-of-you-to-know-that-the-other-is-a-female double talk. I can call him at absolutely anytime of night and he either answer immediately or calls me back within 5 minutes.

He has done some shiesty things (like the time he moved to Atlanta and didn't tell me, then called a month later like "Oh hey, guess what?"). He is so mysterious with certain things that it's almost crackheadish. But I am starting to believe alot of his moves are to "protect" his daughter whom he has had custody of since splitting from her mother.

But, despite his semi-crackish ways, I can say that I have love for him and I know in his own twisted way, the feeling is mutual. We had made plans last week to go to City Hall to get married, you know, just cause, but I had an appointment for an eye brow waxing that I couldn't miss. So, who knows what the future will hold for Enigma and OG. . .

For those inquiring minds, 16 years. That's the age difference.

Let's finish the Mr. Big saga up, shall we? (Pt. I of II)

After seeing Mr. Big's status change to "In a Relationship", I stopped speaking to him for awhile. Somehow, on the day he actually came to do the exchange of belongings routine, we ended up "chiefing" and started talking casually again. (No, we didn't sex that night) I was, however, able to get some alone time with his blackberry (Yes, I know I shouldn't, but I do. I'm a work in progress) Anywho, I was able to read the more recent texts from his "Her" and found out that they were not in a relationship at the time. ( apparently him having two children was something she was not sure she was ready to deal with) Now the "Her" in question is someone that he and I spoke about often while we were boo loving. We both knew that the other had bench players in the background and we would talk about them often. "Her" was someone he described as a "chicken with a Masters". Yes, she had her degrees(s) but she was unemployed and if he text her at 12 noon asking what she was doing, her reply would usually be either "On *insert random hood block here* smoking with *insert random ghetto ass name of friend here*" or "Watching Jerry Springer". He'd told me that after “Her” bragged about how guys usually told her how bomb her sex was, he had to hold back from laughing in her face the first time they did it because it was so whack and her sex faces were so ugly. Also, among a host of other things, he often spoke about how he often had to give her the “bitch whatever!” side eye. Oh, and let's not forget the time he told me he'd picked her up to "cheif" and she left an "odor" in his car when she got out. (yea)

Now the two of them begin talking in July of last year. For the summer, he wild out and smutted the place up while I “dated”. By the time October rolled around, Mr. Big and I were on full on “boo boo” status. He was at my house most nights, we cooked together, laughed/cried about life together, played Xbox together, had bomb ass sex together and in November I convinced him that I wanted to meet the “Chief” and he made it happen. Christmas rolled around and we shopped for our children together, hell, I even wrapped his sons’ presents while he was at work. New Year’s Eve we bought 2009 in in the 69 position, together. Sometime between then and Valentine’s Day something happened. I remember one night he stood me up and then gave me a foogazy reason. That let me know that something or someone one was affecting his actions towards me. So about a week after he had been a no-show, we were standing in my kitchen cooking and I asked him the status of his “team”. He told me for the most part that it had been dismantled, but that “Her” and he had been talking more lately and were good friends. He said she had recently contacted him to “talk” and that they had been speaking again, but not having sex. I was visibly upset about this for a couple of reasons. For one, when we’d first started talking again, he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship with his sons’ mother and she had did him extremely dirty. I was there for him. I listened to him bitch about her, I gave him advice on how to handle his kids’ well-being. In essence, I was his fucking rock thru his hard time.

The two of us had never said we would be together. He never promised that once his shit was together it would be “us”. But I would be lying if I said that was not exactly what I believe in the back of my mind. I knew he had to mourn the end of the relationship and get back on his feet. I also knew that he and I being together would cause major issues with him, his sons’ mother and his sons (at one point in our relationship, I alerted his sons’ mother to the fact that he and I were together. The abridged version: he had told me they were broken up, I fell in love, I found out the truth, I blew up his spot like an army grenade, his son’s mother saw me as the Devil, they stayed together and I threw up deuces.)

Anyway, when he and I were back “on”, everything was so right and came so naturally that I had ASSumed that we felt the same way about each other and that once he was ready we would be (naturally) be together. Ok, I was wrong.

The night before Valentine’s Day he had stayed over and left for work that morning. We hadn’t had sex in about a week (that equated to about a month for us). We were no longer talking on the phone as often and it was no longer assumed that he would be in my bed at night.

About a week after Valentine’s Day, he had stayed over again and I had managed to spend some quality time with his blackberry again. (yea, I know). I had read texts from him to two of his platonic friends and he was talking about his “Boo” to them both. While one of the friends remarked “I guess you can turn a ho into a housewife” to his claim that she was “impressing him”, the other friend wrote that he deserved to be back in love. Oh, did I mention that the “boo” in question was not me??? This crushed me to no end and the next morning I was out of it. I got dressed and off to work as he still lay in my bed. When I got on the train he called me, he had seen me upset that morning and wanted to make sure I was ok. As I sat on the train crying behind my dark shades, I somehow managed to ask him the question that had always been hanging in the air. ‘If you were ready, would it be me?” He let out a deep breath like he knew the day would come when I would muster up the courage to ask and then he replied: “I doubt it. I think I need to start over with a whole new girl”.

Did I mention that HE WAS STILL IN MY BED WHEN HE TOLD ME THIS????

He then said that he and I needed time apart so that we could try to salvage a platonic friendship. I asked him if he really thought he would be able to be with someone else and not come to me for his “girlfriend needs” (i.e crying, bomb sex and that general chill factor, you know, the person you are once the stage lights are off and your at home with the costume that you let the world see you in hanging in the closet). He told me that he knew what he was giving up but that he felt like it was what he had to do.