Really doesn't really make ME any less trifling tho, now does it?

Obama and I are headed about 90mph in a very good direction.

I'm done being afraid of my attachment to him. Nope, no slash thru - I am attached to Obama. And I told him as much. And instead of hesitation, there was excitement. I mentioned begging afraid - of needing him and losing him, of my son getting attached - because I know he will - Obama is a good guy, a genuinely GOOD GUY...and my son is drawn to that...just like his mama...Instead of him telling me he'd fall back a little to avoid that, he told me he'd thought about the same thing. And was afraid himself of getting attached to my son. Especially since his daughter's mother has been threatening to keep him from her. …because she wants him to come back home - and he refuses - because they've "always had problems" and had broken up weeks before they found out she was pregnant. And they got back together the first few months, but realized there was no making it work. “And then you {I} came back into the picture.” And then his daughter was born. And there was more trying to make a "square peg fit into a triangle slot"...that is...until he starting realizing that I "was looking more and more like the perfect fit"...and that makes so much sense…because the grimy dude he appeared to be when we reconnected just didn’t match the gentleman that I always knew him to be….

I told him about my idea for a non-profit. That is usually the barometer by which I decide who I can be with. If I really feel comfortable with you, then I tell you about my biggest dream - starting my non-profit. How you react to it (excitement, indifference, etc) determines where we go from there and whether we could ever have a future. Not only did he get excited, but he told me he'd always wanted to do something for young boys - somehow sports related of course. It would fit perfectly with the idea I have. I admitted to him that I'd slacked off with working on it, and that I'd have to start from scratch because I'd lost the work I'd done on it thus far. He told me that I needed to "get back to working on it so that we can get married, open it up and pop out some more big head babies" That day at work, I started working on my dream again. Because of him. Later that night, he checked the numbers for the Power Ball and told me that if he won I could open my non-profit tomorrow.

He's going to be subletting an apartment starting next month...and his tournament in Mexico has been pushed back to the end of July…and his sister and I may go visit him down there for our birthday weekend in August...and we're planning a road trip to VA to see some of his fam and "we can even bring your son cause my cousin has a bunch of kids he can play with"

So I say all of that to say that for now, I'm going to stop being worried about where I land....

and

just

fall.......

Sooooo.....

"Obama" and I have been pretty cozy for the last few weeks. He's stayed over every day since the weekend before my "Oh Obama....*sigh*" post and it has been very....nice....having him around. If I wasn't attached  confused before, I most certainly am now.

I want to slow myself down, but, at the same time, I'm enjoying having him around. I guess the Universe has a way of working things out because he found out yesterday that he'll be in Mexico for a month* and he leaves next week. At least that time apart will give me a chance to put things in perspective and try to figure out what it is that we're doing now, what it is we both want, and where it is we go from here.

He asked me if I'd miss him and I told him "Fif!". I then asked him, jokingly, if I was supposed to wait for him while he was gone and he just looked me in my eye and said  "At this point I shouldn"t even have to answer that".

NOW I'm feeling fucked up. NOW I feel like I should have just ran the other way as soon as his sister told me about his daughter. NOW my conscious is fucking with me. It was one thing in my head when he and I were just using each other's bodies. But now that he seems to be ok with it being more...d'oh! 

He asked me to come down during his last weekend there and I said I'd think about it. He has a couple of places he wants us to vist this summer, so I have to see how I'll alot my vacation days.

Amazingly, the day he leaves is the same day that my son comes back home, so the timing works in my favor. I can give my son all of the time and attention he and I need after a year of him being gone without having to think about how to fit "Obama" in. 

Guess we'll see what happens from here....

*He plays semi- pro b-ball and even though he said he'd be retiring this year, his manager convinced him to play through the Summer.

Uh Oh.....

It may already be too late.....

These are my confessions...

I miss Mr. Big. {check the labels with his name to get caught up if you ned to. I'm way too high to link shit right now.}

I'm tired of being single. Nah, fuck that. Since this is confession time, let me word it as I feel it: I'M LONELY! :(

I realize the the way I'm dealing with my father's death is by worrying about my mother. It's like I don't ever really relax b/c I convince myself that she needs me. So I'm back and forth at her house all week. Yep, maybe it's that me saying I don't want her to be by herself is also me saying I don't want to be by myself..

I'm pretty high right now.

I'm also pretty high. As in I look pretty when I'm under the influence. Conceited? Yes. So?