Coming Soon...

I know, I know…I’ve been quite the Neglectful Nancy, haven’t I? I apologize, really I do. The upside, however, is that while I have been NOT been updating this blog as I should,  I HAVE been sure to get myself into lots of trife situations to entertain you all. Lol Ok, maybe not all are so trife, but I do guarantee that my judgmental readers will have something to judge and my fellow trife readers will have something to lol and smh at. :)

Unfortunately I can’t fill you all in right now as “they” are still insisting that I actually work when I come to work. But, perhaps if I can manage to stay sober this weekend I’ll post a blog or two or ten. We’ll see…

In the meantime this is what you can look forward to*:

1- “Introducing: Sweet Black Pipe and Big Sexy” (possible new boo and his cousin who was/(is?) also a potential new boo)**

2- “Intoducing: “Egypt” (my very own molester/stalker/single white female-ish friend since childhood and her drunken antics) *shivers*

3- “This Can’t Possibly be Good for My Daddy Issues” {My father (biological) died when I was 11, but my DAD of 25 yrs passed away last week} *sigh*

4- “The House of Enigma” (I moved into a new crib on the 1st of Feb)

5- “In Love with Obama?” (yea, about that…) *hangs head in shame*

6- "The Final Chapter of OG (Older-Gentleman Friend) and Enigma” (Yea, that pretty much says it all..) *dusts shoulder off*

7- "Thug addict Rehab"

Tata for now my lovelies!!!

*The titles of the blogs listed are subject to change with my mood, but I will try to keep on topic as much as possible.

**I did promise you a little trife, didn’t I? lol

Introducing: "The Boyfriend"

So remember that part in the movie "Norbit" when Resputia and Norbit first met and she was like, 'You got a boyfriend, Norbit? Well, you do now!!"" Yea, that's pretty much what I did to "Boyfriend". Not because he was so great and I wanted him on my team, but because I had known him for years and he never made a move and I got tired of him wasting my time. Let me start from the beginning...

It was December of 2005 or 2006 and my son was in NC with his sperm donor for the Christmas break*. I was walking to get me something to eat one night and I heard a car horn honking. Not to be conceited, but I'm used to this and I usually just ignore whatever rude ass is honking for my attention like I'm some street walking hooker. This guy takes my ignoring him as a sign that he should stick his head out the window and tell me how good I look. I keep walking and pay him no mind. He drives about a block ahead of me, stops his car (in the middle of the street), gets out with his cell in his hand and yells to me that he's not moving until I give him my number and it better be the right one (his exact words). Now, I've always been the type to try my best to avoid scenes, I hate for people to look at me so you'll rarely catch me yelling in public or doing something that would draw eyes to me. So please believe him doing this mortified me to no end...there were at least three cars behind him that couldn't go around him because of oncoming traffic in the other lane. So, I gave him my number and he stood there and did not move his car until he dialed my cell and saw that the number was valid. Yes, I got jacked for my number and amazingly it was not his last time doing this...

Anywho, he and I started to speak on the phone and I got the impression that he was an MOB (money over bitches) kinda dude. He was always "working"** and didn't really seem interested in spending anytime getting to know me, despite the fact that we would sometimes spend hours on the phone. Somehow he became a constant figure in my life despite me seeing him only sporadically. And usually when I did see him it would be him calling to see if I was home because he was around my block. I'd then go downstairs and either sit in the car with him and shoot the shit for a little while (if my son was asleep) or just stand at my front door so he could get a quick hug or something. He wasn't allowed in my house because I didn't want him meeting my son.

He always seemed extremely young minded to me despite being just one year my junior. Sure he had money and cars and all of that, so financially he was mature, but emotionally ...well...he was kind of retarded in that area. I got the feeling that I intimidated him and that made me self-conscious. He would always compliment me on how pretty I was but it always sounded more like an accusation than a compliment: "Yo! You are so fucking pretty!" . He won me over one day when were on the phone a little after midnight and he was around a bunch of his friends with a shitload of noise in the background. He was saying how he was so busy and didn't have a moment to himself and I was like, "We'll you need to find time to come give me a hug." I'd had a rough day and I really did need a hug, but I was just bullshitting when I said it to him, figuring that there was no way he come- especially considering that at the time we were talking he was two cities and at least 30 minutes away. So, to make my demand even more outlandish, I said "Yea, come give me a hug...and bring me a pint of Shrimp Lo Mein w/ extra veggies...and extra soy sauce..ooh..and a twix..ooh ooh and a quart of milk for my son's breakfast in the morning....oh yea and a pepsi- bottle not canned..." Just to be funny. I honestly thought that with all the noise in the back and him carrying on at least two other convos, he wouldn't even hear me, much less oblige. To my surprise, he called me about 45 minutes later and told me to come outside. As soon as I opened the door, he grabbed my in his arms and gave me the longest, strongest hug he had ever given me., Then, before I could say anything he handed me a bag with everything I'd asked for in it. Silly as it seems, that right there let me know that I just may have pegged him wrong and perhaps he wasn't all "money over broads" after all.

We went on like this for a few months and in that time he got more comfortable with touching me. (this was at least a year into us knowing one another. We'd never had sex and he really never acted like it was something he wanted to do). I would get mad because he would hug me and then try to lick my face. It was like a joke to him, but it grossed me out and we'd stop talking for months on end after that. Petty, I know, but it REALLY grossed me out and I'd asked him repeatedly not to do it. Plus, it was creepy. *shivers* And every time he did it was if he’d only done it because he couldn’t stop himself. He always said that I did “something weird to him”.

During one of our stints of not talking, he called me (after 3-4 months) and let me know that he would be going "away"*** for a year or so. He and I started talking again casually and I found out he had a girlfriend. If memory serves me correctly, I think his daughter's mother (they weren't together) had called my phone and tried to start some fuckery thinking that I was his girlfriend, "Keisha". Now, it wasn't the fact that he was seeing someone that bothered me; it was that I felt bamboozled somehow because he never struck me as the have-a-girlfriend type. He just always seemed so...high school. As if he and all of his stupid ass friends thought girls were icky. *shrugs*

Anyway, he "went away" and we'd write letters to one another. In one of the letters I let him know how I felt about him having a girl and that I was confused as to what I was in his life for. He then let me know about all of these "feelings" he had for me, despite the fact that the two of them were still together. Somehow, he managed to get some sort of work release thing where he was able to leave the cage and go to work during the day. He also managed to have access to a car to do this and started to pick me up from work and take me to me to get my son through the week. I remember me starting a bunch of "where is this going?" conversations with him that led no where. After awhile, Mr. Big came back into the picture and I stopped being beat to play with him so we lost contact. I had seen him around and whenever he'd ask for my number I'd go into a big spiel about him wasting my time and it usually ended with us leaving without exchanging contact info again.

I think I went about a year without seeing him until the end of last year when my son and I were walking to the bus stop one morning and I heard a horn honking as we crossed the street. As usual, I ignored it until I heard a man's voice call my name. I turned around and in the driver's seat of one of those vans that pick up and drop off the elderly and disabled to their doctors was "Boyfriend". I was actually pleasantly surprised to see him. Since I was in a rush to catch our bus, I gave him my new number (I change cell numbers quite often). He called me about 20 minutes later and we got caught up. We started talking regularly again and I told him as often as I could that I would not be letting him waste my time this go around. We went out to dinner and movies a few times, and I even decided that he could actually come in my house and chill every now and then. Even still, I noticed that he seemed to have very little time for me. So, when I moved out of my apartment in May and changed all of my numbers, he was one of the people that didn't make the cut and I virtually dropped off the face of the Earth to him.

Come to think of it, the specific thing that solidified me not keeping him around was a convo we'd had. He had told me when we started talking again that he was looking for a new apartment. Then he didn’t mention it again until a few months later when out of no where, he told me he'd moved into the apartment building on the corner of my block. At first I thought he was bullshittng, but he kept saying how he needed to clean the place up so that he could move his stuff in and would I come up the block some time that weekend to help him and he was very convincing. The convo about his apartment lasted about an hour… just for him to then tell me that he was just joking and was still looking for an apartment. What?!?!? You mean you wasted my time again??? A whole conversation about a lie?? Are you kidding me? Who does that??? So yea, that was the main reason he didn't make the cut when I moved.

Fast forward to early July of this year, I'm at the bus stop and this baby blue Benz stops in front of me. I ignore it and after awhile, the passenger side winow rolls down and lo and behold, it's "Boyfriend" (usually he drives a black Acura, I still have no clue how many/ and what kind of cars he has total). Anyway, the first words out his mouth are "I've been looking all over for you!" Knowing that he knows where my mom lives and that I was just a few blocks away from her house (since this is where I moved to), I was immediately creeped out. Was this motherfreaker just driving around aimlessly looking for me???? At this point I was standing near the passenger side door as we were talking and I'd had my phone in my hand. Somehow along our convo-which consisted mainly of him asking why I dropped off radar and me telling him all the ways he'd wasted my time- I'd rested my arms on the door. Before I could even realize it, he had snatched my phone out of my hand and was dialing his number from my phone so that he could have my new number. Dammit, jacked again...!!!!

To be continued....

* (I know it seems as if I never have my son, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. Fact of the matter is, his donor is a waste of the skin that covers his body but that's another blog...)

**Yes, drugs.

***Yes, jail.

Fin.

So "The Killer" and I are done. I saw him yesterday and he lied to me about something really minor. I'm old enough and wise enough to know that when dudes lie about minor shit, it's usually to cover up major shit. I don't have the time, energy or patience.

Him lying in conjunction with how "us" have been lately ...yea, I'm deciding to throw in the towel now- when I'm confident I can do so without breaking down from it. I can get over him quick right now because shit's been off for a few weeks anyway and I've been putting the ice blocks around my heart(that he'd melted) back up slowly since it started mentally preparing to have to get over him. The fortress is almost fully rebuilt, my friends, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

There's no doubt in my mind that there's someone else, and I'm not sitting around while he plays us both. Nope, she wins the loser, not I. What was the lie you ask? He popped up with a new car out of nowhere...then proceeded to wash and wax that bitch with me sitting in it. One thing "The Killer" is definitely not is anyone's stunt dummy so I knew it wasn't "his boy's" as he had told me the night before when he'd said he'd come get me and I declined. I asked him who's car it was this time (assuming it was the same car from the night before, "his boys'" and he instead said it was a rental. Ummm....rental car keys don't usually have price cards for Stop and Shop and Shoprite on the keyring. Fuck I look like believing that bullshit??? Further investigation revealed a registration with a chick's name on it. A name that I'd heard in passing before while he and I were on the phone and one of his nephews asked him where Prada (his dog) was. He responded at "N***'s house". I ignored it then because N*** could have been a number of females in his family. And, to be all the way real , he was never my man, nr I his girl and if we started sharing stories of how many other people we were dealing with besides each other, I'm sure my numbers would have matched his. *kanye shrug* Hey, we were never a couple.

But if that was the case, and N*** was a family member (as I'd assumed originally), why blatantly lie to my face??? So after I see the registration, I ask him how long he's had the "rental" he tells me a few days and he and his brother have been sharing it...and he has it until Tuesday or Wednesday....oh so you just gonna keep on lying right to my face, huh? Ok, cool.

I let him know that I wasn't buying it and he tried to flip shit and get mad on some "If it was some chick car I'd just tell you blah blah bah." Whoa...who said anything about a chick? lol Dude, please stop trying to convince yourself that you're "that Dude". You know, the guy that will tell chicks shit straight up because he knows he's doing shit on the up and up and he's not trying to play with any one's feelings. You. Are. Not. Him. You are a snake. Period.

I can't be with someone that can look me dead in my eye and lie to me. Crazy thing is, it's not the being lied to part that fucks with me as much as it the insulting my intelligence part. Don't do that. Two things I've never been called in my entire life is stupid and ugly. Please don't take my intelligence for granted and please don't have me waste my pretty on you. I'm done letting "The Killer" do both.

On to the next one.

Sorry boys, the bitch is back.

Coming up...."Introducing "Victim #1" aka "Enigma's New Boytoy"...yea....

"Better than love, we made delicious"*

So TK and I had a chance to reconnect for a few hours last night. As I stated before, there's been a serious lull in our situationship** for the past month or so. I've seen him very rarely and we speak less often. (all his fault...not to point fingers or place blame or anything, but yea...definitely all his fault.) Luckily, I'd say in the last week or so our communication has gotten back on track to being like it was initially, but there are still some kinks to be worked out.

Anwho, we met up last night after he insisted that we "had to bring some things to the table". Ok, cool. Honestly I was thinking this would be the..."Things just haven't been the same/I met someone else/I'm not ready for all of this" convo. Oh, quite the contrary, this dude hit me with the "What are your intentions towards me" line. And was serious. As if I was the one who had been bs-9ng for the past few weeks. Smch. Now, like I said, our recent disconnect has been ALL his fault (again, not to point fingers or anything), so that was the very last thing I was expecting to hear.

So he goes on to tell me how he's tired of being a whore (actually he used the words "young bachelor" but I called bullshit on that and demanded he call it what it was). So he goes on to tell me how even though he flirts and likes the attention that his lifestyle brings him, he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else and he's feeling like he's ready for more. He also tells me how his last girlfriend was a good woman and he f*cked that up and he's not prepared to push another good woman (moi) out of his life. No decisions were made, but we discussed alot and will have part 2 to the discussion later on tonite.

The purpose of this blog (and title and pic) actually have to do with something that TK bought up in our talk. He said he started to know that there was something "there" with us after the second or third time we ever had sex. It was honestly the craziest thing I'd ever experienced myself as well.

It was about a month into us chilling with one another and we were going at it heavy. The lights were off, the radio was playing Ne-Yo's version of MJ's "Lady in My Life" and TK was killing it (pun intended) About ten minutes in, something changed drastically. We were no longer just two people who had met just a month or so ago who were gratifying their animalistic urges. As if someone had flipped a switch, we went from just having sex, to making passionate love.

Now, the crazy thing is...I felt the change immediately and I remember thinking "OMG...I wonder if he knows that he's making love to me". We finished and got our selves cleaned up and were just laying in the after glow (that's the name of the painting up top btw) . He started talking about something...what, I can't remember. But as he was talking I grabbed my cell and sent him a text that read, "I felt you making love to me." A few second later his cell rang and he read my text, smiled, looked me in the eye and said "Indeed, true***".

He then went on to tell me that he'd NEVER made love, or even attempted to make love to a woman before and that the fact that I felt it was crazy to him.

When we talked about it last night, I let him know that that had never happened to me either. I'd never felt anyone make love to me. What I didn't tell him was the follow-up to that. Now, I've been in many relationships where the word "love" was thrown around extensively. And yes, all of these "loving" relationships included sex. But even when my partner would tell me he loved me as we were entwined, I still didn't feel it like I did with TK. The "making love" aspect was more so implied with them moreso than anything else. But with TK, it was so blatant and evident and unexpected and welcomed that I'd even go so far as to admit that it almost made me misty eyed. (I say almost b/c I hate girls that cry during sex and I would never.)

I thought about it last night as I lay in my bed and I concluded that the men I'd been "in love" with never gave me themselves whole-heartedly. (I say this mostly because of specific circumstances of the relationships/men themselves, not just b/c of what I experienced with TK) Anyway, I've deduced that what TK and I experienced that night was possible solely because he opened up to me. Even if for that 15-20 minute time span, I had him (and he me had, had me he..he had me tongue-tied****) I had him in a way that no other woman ever has and he made me experience something no other man ever has.

Either God's tryna tell me sumthin' or He's just d*cking with me for kicks and giggles...I guess we'll see...

*For those who don't know, that's a verse from my favoritiest song ever, "Love Rain" by Jill Scott.

** I saw a commenter on one of Suga's posts use that to describe a situationship where it's like a relationship but sans the actual commitment.

***He says that alot lol

**** Another verse from Love Rain, seriously, that song is the ish ppl

Drugs Are Bad {Part Deux}

Editor's Note: I am NOT crazy.

****************************************************************

So The Killer and I had a chance to link up on Tuesday nite after only seeing/speaking to each other sporadically the past few weeks. In fact, Tuesday was our first time speaking AT ALL in seven whole days (alot considering how we started out)

Anywho, below are some bits of our convo that made him say I may need therapy:

The Killer: "Cause no matter how much you may want to punch me in the face, kick me in the stomach, whatever...it's still nothing but love here. That's why we can come together and build like this. You in my life from here on believe that...

Me: *waves hand like "Boy stop"

The Killer: *pauses his sentence and gives me the mean face* YOU THINK I'm BULLSH*TTING YOU?!?!?!? YOU DON'T THINK I MEAN THAT SH*T???

Me: "Nah, not that. I did that because don't no body want to punch you in the face or stab you..."

The Killer: *Laughing* "WHO THE F*CK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT STABBING??? You wanna stab me shorty???

I start laughing at this point too because I didn't even mean to say that. I surprised myself to the point where right after I said the words I said "What?!" as if they came from some one else. lmao

As if that wasn't bad enough, as he's clowning me now and calling me crazy, I'm trying to tell him how I don't even believe in resorting to violence with guys and that I'm so conceited that I truly believe the worse thing I can do to ANYone is take my love away. I'm not going to get all crazy, nah, I'm just gonna make it so that you don't have the pleasure of seeing my face or hearing my voice.

Anyway, I'm steady trying to convince him of my sanity with arguments like "I cheered when Jody knocked Yvette's ass out after she hit him when he was trying to leave" and ish like that. Then I say, "Cause I am so not even the f*ck your money up, kill your dog type of chick." Again...what??? (did I mention that he has two dogs, Prada and Polo that he adores???)

He again pauses and then starts laughing like 'You gonna kill my dog???" By now we're both laughing uncontrollable and I'm trying to tell him, "Noooooo, I meant to say rabbit!! I don't even know why "dog" came out." (I was thinking Basic Instinct). He then says "Like that's any better!!!" and shakes his head.

After we calm down our laughter a little, I give him the *kanye shrug* and say, 'F*ck it. I told you awhile back that you bring out my violent side, so just get your sh*t together and shouldn't have any problems.

Drugs are bad people. SMH

A Teenage Love Affair (The End)

In no time at all "Pookie" and I had ditched our significant others and were back on track and together. This time things were different. In our short time apart, I had changed, and because of that, we changed. For starters, I stopped bringing an entourage with me to visit and he stopped having his crew there when I arrived. We were spending way more time alone with one another, a privilege we had not been afforded often when we were together prior. We also began to spend more time on the phone. I guess you can say our love affair matured.

We spent the next nine months or so as a certified couple. We still hadn't had sex and it seemed like a non-issue. There was one time when we'd set up a day/time to make it happen, but I got held up doing family stuff and by the time I got there his house was crowded. Amazingly we never rescheduled. I said before that I never knew of him having a girl brsides me and this time around was no different. I would come up at random times and he'd always be where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to do. There was never an instance that I can remember of another girl calling my phone or anything and he never seemed to be hiding me, nor did he ever tell me that I couldn't come up there.

This new "grown-up" relationship that we had also ment that I was forced to meet the rest of his family that he stayed with (besides Moonie). This included his female cousin, Dawn. Dawn was Moonie's sister and maybe just a year younger than he was. For some reason, she never really took to me. I used to joke with my friends that she treated me like she was jealous that I got "Pookie" and she was stuck just being his cousin. Looking back, I think perhaps Dominique was her friend and this is what led to her nastiness...? IDK and there's no way for me to find out now, so...fuck it.

Anywho, Dawn never outright came out and said she didn't like me, she would just do things like tell me he wasn't there (when he was) when I called for him. This would usually lead to him calling me back two seconds later asking if I'd just called there for him. Or she'd have a million things she needed "Pookie" to do while I was there, thereby making it impossible for us to be alone.

I tried not to let her shit get too me too much and eventually found ways to avoid her all together. I noticed that if I called and asked for "Moonie" first, she'd just give him the phone with no problem, I'd then have him give "Pookie" the phone. Of the drama of a teenage life... smh

About eight months after we'd gotten back together something in "us" changed to where I felt like I needed to "test" him. Looking back, it doesn't make sense to me, and I want to chalk it up to being young and dumb. I'll have to look at my early volumes of diaries to try to recall what happened to make me feel that I could no longer trust him. But in any case, like I said, I felt like his devotion to me needed to be tested. So, me being a dummy, had one of my friends call him and act like she liked him. She used a fake name and pretended to know him thru a friend that messed with a friend of his. Needless to say, the situation got way out of control. The girl that I'd gotten to call him turned out to be a snake and stole his number without my knowledge and would call him behind my back. This of course took a toll on our relationship because he never mentioned his "mystery caller" to me, so he got the perpatual side eye from me from then on. Now, I knew that he'd never met up with her or anything, but still...(according to her they were talking on a regular basis and never once did he mention that he had a girlfriend.)

Around the same time, I started spending more time with a guy from my class. We were only friends (he was like 5'2, about 75 lbs soaking wet and with rocks in his pocket and his breath smelled like ass--so trust-nothing at all was popping with him). Anywho, I never made it a point to hide my friendship with this guy from "Pookie"" as there was no need to. "Pookie" didn't agree and he'd catch an attitude anytime I mentioned that I'd stayed after school with the guy or went to the mall with him or anything.

One night "Pookie" had called me. He'd said that he was headed back outside to play dice, but wanted to call me before it had gotten too late. Somehow we started arguing. I remember it as the worst argument we'd ever had, but that could just be because...

Like I said, we started arguing. I now think that maybe 'Pookie" took his guilt over talking to his "mystery caller" behind my back and tried to project that on me and blamed his new attitude on the time I was spending with my guy friend. Anywho, we argued. The only thing I remember about the specifics of the argument was when "Pookie" said "Well, I know when you can start spending more time with him...when I hang up."

He hung up, and that was the last time I ever spoke to him.

One thing I remember from the next day was me sitting in my living room looking at the fish tank and being angry that he'd never called me the night before to apologize. I had named one of the fish after him and at that moment I was so hurt and angry that I wished the fish would die. Somehow in my 13 year old mind, seeing that fish dead would make me feel better.

That night I called his house and Dawn answered the phone. When I asked to speak to him, she said ""Ricky died last night". I hung up disgusted that she would go so far with her games and just figured I'd speak to him the following day.

The next morning, I stopped at the diner across the street from my school to get a toasted bagel with cream cheese and jelly. While I was there I also bought the local paper. There on the very first page was a story entitled. "Killed over $5 He Didn't Scam". I read the article as I walked up the block to the school's entrance. As I got closer, my partner-in-crime at the time was walking towards me. I watched as her face went from happy to worried to panicked as she watched me drop the paper and start crying hysterically. She helped me into the school as she yelled for one of our other friend's to get our (8th grade) teacher.

Ricky Bradlee (my "Pookie") was shot and killed within an hour after he'd hung up on me.

Drugs Are Bad

Some of my thoughts from the last 24 hours:

I should totally become the world's first African-America, female serial sniper. My goal is to get all of my exes by shooting them in just one nut. I'd also shoot a couple of random guys just so that the connection is not just on me. I won't kill anyone cause like Madea said, they give you too much time for that. But I'm seriously thinking that the thought of the no-gooders walking around with half their nutsack blown off would TOTALLY be worth serving a few consecutive attempted murder sentences. And as if to confirm that this is my destiny, while looking for a pic for the blog, I stumbled across this ^^^ pic. *purple is only my most favoritest color in the whole wide world!* It's a sign I tell ya....

For some reason I cannot stop thinking the work "Doppelganger". I don't know why, but the word pops in my head at the randomest times and I have no choice but to say it aloud whenever it happens...weird...

I realized I may take my need to know too far. Saturday as I was walking across the street on my block, a woman in a truck asked me for directions to our community center. I recognized her face and started to say 'Hey, what's up, Lu" until I remembered that she doesn't know me. In fact, the only way I know her is from doing some "investigating" on Mr. Big a few years back using the interwebs. She wouldn't know me from a can of paint. Oh what a dangerous tool this world wide web is ...smh

The Killer and I were "building" last night into this morning ( I have not slept AT ALL and I still came to work like a good little worker mule). Anywho, we were "building" and I let him in on my sniper plans. I also told him that if I live to be 80 than I'll start poisoning people around me with tainted cookies and kill my neighbors slowly or something, you know, just because. He, always the thinker, mentioned jail time and the possibility of me being raped. My response? "That makes it even better!! How else will I get young, rock hard dick as an eighty year old woman? I can go in there and smut up the joint real good for my final days. Yay! lol I love that he "gets me" and my sick ass sense of humor. But that;s probably because I get his. because he then informed me that would "most def" fuck and 80 yr old woman. Talkin' bout he'd call Hugh Hefner afterwards bragging like, "Yea, I'll be like I broke that bitch hip, son!!! When was that last time you broke a bitch hip from fucking her?!?!?!?"

We're sick, I know*

I'm thinking of changing my name to Angela and not telling anyone and just ignoring anyone that fails to call me by my new name.

I may have a death wish...I threatened to "stab the shit" out of The Killer TWICE last night/this morning. I also remember telling him (within the first two weeks of us kicking it) that he bought out a violent side of me that I didn't know I had and that I often envision myself capping him and watching his head recoil back in slow motion as a bloody tooth escaped from betwixt his lips. Last night he just mushed me and told me to shut up and grab his dick. (we laughed as I shrugged my shoulders, grabbed his dick and layed my head on his chest as we layed there and talked about how disrespectful Tupac was on his single "I Hit "em Up")

SMH

So dysfunctional....

*No 80 year old women were harmed in the writing of this blog

Introducing: "Pookie" (A Teenage Love affair) Pt. Deux

I would like to re-write history and say that it took me a long time to get over "Pookie", but that just wouldn't be right. In reality, more so than any other emotion, I can vividly recall the extreme anger I felt. I think the main reason for me not being sad per se was because he was honest with me. In fact, sad as it is, I think he was THE ONLY man to ever be straight up with me and tell me to my face that he was leaving me for another woman. All of the others lied until I caught them with their dick in the cookie jar. I still had my in-school boo and I adjusted to not walking those 20 blocks much sooner than I even thought I would. I think the hardest part was knowing that Kat was still going up there and trying to find things to occupy my time while she was gone. (because I REFUSED to go back up there and risk seeing him.)

A few months went by and in that time I met a new dude. He wasn't that cute and he was dumber than a box of marbles, but he had a car, and I had places to go, so we worked out well. I didn't feel bad for using him for his whip because I knew that he was only trying to use me for sex. I held him off for as long as I could until the little girl lost in me said 'What the fuck is the point of holding out???' so I slept with him, it sucked and I didn't do it again. It seemed like after I realized the dick was trash, not even his shiny white car could keep my attention focused on him anymore. I started plotting how I'd break up with him and end our 2 month "relationship".

As if on cue, I received a call out of the blue from "Pookie" on day. He said that he had badgered Kat for my number because he missed me so much and wanted to get back together. When I questioned him about Dominique, he said that she was in NY staying with relatives for the summer and that she "knew what time it was" and wasn't returning any of his calls because she knew he was ready to break up with her.

Uh oh.... five o'clock... you know what that means... *pshooooooom*

To be continued....

Introducing: "The Killer" (TK)

It is I folks, back and ready to spill some serious tea. First and foremost, thanks to everyone who responded to my last blog regarding the situation with my sister. After that email, she sent yet another where she took the situation WAY too far. I emailed her back privately and let her know that she'd won whatever war she was waging against me because I refuse to get that grimy with my own flesh and blood. She then apologized, but I didn't respond. I just don't see me getting over what she wrote and I'm ok with it. I haven't given it a second thought really. But she will be missed....

*dusts shoulders off*

Moving on...

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I have a new boo.

*waits as the thunderous applause dies down from the crowd*

I met him a few weeks ago while out lunching with my ladies (read drinking with my homies). I must say, it was my most drunkenness moment of the entire summer. I had seen dude around our local haven of hedonism about two weekends in a row. My partner-in-crime knows him and would chit chat with him whenever we came out for air. (He always seemed to be outside). Anywho, this night in particular, I had already had 1 or 3 too many (yes, BEFORE we even hit the bar. Don't judge me. My Bday is in August and I GO HARD all month....even tho this was still JULY... but don't. judge.me!! lol). My girl had one of my hands and was leading me into the bar...(yes, i already needed an escort)... and we passed him. For some reason it was like I'd seen him for the very first time and I yelled "OOH HE'S CA-YUTE!!". Dumb loud and ghetto as all shit- totally out of my character. So loud that he heard me, locked eyes with me, then smiled and winked as my homie continued to pull me towards the bar. As this happened, my other homegirl who had been ahead of us heard me and said "Yea, and he has a BIG one."" I then turned back to him and said right in his face, "HE DOES?!?!?!?!?". Again, DUMB LOUD. SMH

*hangs head in shame while trying not to giggle*

So we go in, have some drinks and then come out for air. He sees me and comes over and kicks it with us and then he and I walk off and have a convo. Not sure what we talked about because I was already so gone, but I do remember him asking for and receiving my number.

Fast forward a few days and he calls to see if I'll be coming out, I decline. I knew I wanted him as my new booty call, but not so soon. Plus, according to my homie, he's a whore, so I really wasn't interested as much in the light of day as I had been that (drunken) night.

A few more days go by and he calls again. This time I accept his offer to come out for drinks and meet him at the local haven of hedonism for some shots. I had expected that the night would end with me bent over his couch instead it ended with us taking a long walk in the park, holding hands and talking about EVERYthing. At one point I told him to stop looking at me a certain way (all lovey dovey) and he asked why. I told him he was confusing me. he asked how so. I said "Because initially, I just wanted a new buck fuddy, but now I actually want to hear the thing you have to say". To which he replied that we'd both come into it with the same intentions, but that he too was (pleasantly) surprised by how things turned out and wanted to see where it would go.

I've spoken to and/or seen him everyday since.

All is not good in the hood tho, because even though the vibe is definitely there and our blossoming feelings are definitely mutual, there is SOOOO much shit with him.

For starters, he is the sole reason why I am no long a "recovering" thug addict and have officially fallen off the wagon. It's like I went into rehab for weed, came out cured just to start a heroin addiction. SMH Dude is a thug indeed, he even has the tat across his abs a'la Tupac (whom he favors heavily)

Besides being a certified cutie, he is incredibly attentive to my needs. All I have to do is think it and he's already doing it. If I think, "I am so fucking thirsty!!!", I look up and he's handing me a cool refreshing beverage. At first I thought it was a fluke, but he has yet to NOT do this.

Also, he takes care of me. Not monetarily speaking necessarily, but in general. He makes sure I'm ok. I can go as far as to say that if I was stranded on a deserted island with him, I would break a sweat because I'd know he'd make sure I survived and was ok. He gives me an overwhelming sense of security that I have NEVER had before in ANY relationship (friends, family and lovers)

In fact, if I am to go by Dr. Steve Harvey's ...huh? what's that you say? Steve Harvey ISN"T a doctor??? Oh, well, if I go by what Steve says about the 3 P's of a man's love. Dude is on point.

He professes: He sees me in his future. There's no doubt about this as he tells me constantly. There was even an instance where he was telling his dude how I had him thrown. And I quote " I'm thinking she's the truth, my dude, she could . She's keeping me out of trouble because I'd rather be in here chilling with her than in the streets. And even when i am out there, I'm busy thinking about shorty and what she doing." Plus, it doesn't hurt that I've met his mom (who made it a point to tell me how major that alone is, as well as a couple of his sisters and brothers (his family is HUGE) and he even trusted me to look after one of his beloved dogs.

He protects: Let's just say Lucifer will watch how he speaks to me on the phone form now on, solely do to new dude.

He provides: He has made it quite clear that if I need it, he's got it, and he's more than willing to share it. I've yet to accept, but I know the offer is there.


But, I must admit, iPause at the fact that out relationship has already gone beyond just sex as was my initial intentions. I've given two of my girlfriends the contingency plan for when it all falls down with him: One is to drink with me until I can't even muster the energy to say "when", and the other will rub my hair as I lay on her lap and cry my heart out. I've already fallen too far, too soon and I feel like I have no control over slowing it down. And honestly, I don't want to slow it down. I want to just "coast with it" and hope it comes out ok.

But, his lifestyle....he's almost too much thug for me....

Plus, he and I have a connection that we discovered about 3 weeks ago. I'm not ready to say what it is, but I will say that he has had a direct affect on my life from my teens to adulthood, as well as how I have behaved with every boyfriend I have had since i was 13. Ironically enough, he is the reason why iPause at dealing with him due to his lifestyle because of things I've experience in my past (due to him) that I don't want to experience again.

I had to make a decision as to whether I would deal with him at all because of our connection. Clearly, i decided to continue our love affair, but I made a deal with myself that I would only do so if I thought we had a future together. I can't have a superficial relationship with him. iCan't. So, we have decided to ride it out, and give our all.

*sigh*

Yet another factor, he told me that his sister has a house in Hawaii that she wants him to come and look after. He told her that he would have an answer by the end of the summer. About a week after we met, he told me about it and said he would love to be able to bring a lady with him and wondered if i would come if we had progressed by then. Amazingly, I didn't hesitate before I said "Yes". (huh?) Yea. Well, summer is almost over. He hasn't decided if he's going or not, but he made it clear that wherever he goes, I have an invite and a ticket to join him. I told him I'd go with him to Hawaii if he gave me an open-ended return ticket home. He agreed and asked about my son and would it be a problem for me to bring him with us (my son is with his dad for the next school year) I said I wouldn't bring my son initially, but that I'd send for him when I felt we as a couple were stable enough. (Did I mention that he has already met my son? I showed him a pic and he insisted that he'd seen him before. Since my baby has always been only with me or family, I narrowed it down to his Great Aunt's house who used to babysit. Apparently new dude used to date the great aunt's daughter a few years back and remembers my son being there when he visited. Knew his name and everything without me telling him and said, "That's a cool ass kid you got there" )

*swoons/sighs*

We'll see where this goes...


BTW... his name, for blog purposes, is The Killer (TK)...I have my reasons...

Introducing: "Ex-fiance"

*Written for Myspace on 4/18/08*
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I'm a snitch.

I am.

I'm the youngest of four daughters, hell, for the first few years of my life, snitching was my only source of income. One of my sisters' boyfriends had a nosy ass moms who used to pay me for dirt on them, And me, being the eager entrepreneur, provided her with all the dirt she could shovel. That is, until my sister got a job. Sorry Mrs. B, but inflation's a bitch and she was talking big dollars plus candy. So, I switched teams and began getting paid not to snitch.

Some things never change.

Here I am, damn near 10 years later and I'm still getting paid not to break up happy homes (Read: tell on niggas.)

SMH

Fucked up part is, I don't play fair. I never have. But I make it a point to let muthafuckers know this from the door, "I tell, nigga!!!". And I'm picky about what I tell. My thug addiction has left me open to witness first-hand some things that are just wrong, immoral and yes, got damned illegal. But I don't tell on my boos.

But my neighbor, the one with the dog that he neglects and that I adopted and that was barking in the back yard all night for three fucking days straight? Yes, that nigga got the cops called him. Those little bad ass crooks-in-training who thought they could steal a car and hide out on my block like my neighbors and I wouldn't think four 12-yr-old, rusty-nail smelling bastids driving around in a Honda wasn't odd. Yep, dialed the cops from my cell as I stood in front of one of them giving him the death stare that I'm famous for. "Lucifer" who thought he could move to another state and start a new family while being thousands of dollars in arrears with child support and then send my baby a post card saying "Hey". Yep, took that return address and went straight to child support with it. And lastly, guys who know that I know that they have a girl/wife/baby momma that they shack up with and yet still insist on being up in my face. .. yep, I tells on them too!

But, as I stated before, I don't play fair. So yes, I'll entertain them and take what ever they give and let them try their best to wine and dine my panties off, all the while believing that I will be the down ass side chick who's just cool with them going home to someone else at night.

Until I get bored and/or she calls me.

Then, it's fair game. I'm telling 'errthing. Fuck I gots to lie for? Especially if my only real crime is taking advantage of the kindness of strangers stupidity of cheaters?
My ex-fiancé {he is only called this because he bought a ring and proposed. We never had an actual engagement and you'll see why in about 5 seconds}, a man who left me for another chick, proposed while he was still with said chick, (priceless!) and continued to call and profess his undying love for me even after the two of them moved in together, produced a child and all that other ghetto love crap, learned of my snitch status the hard way.

Recently, after about a year or so of us not speaking or seeing each other at all., he resurfaced. Since my Mr. is currently unavailable (I put that as a link so that you lazy bastards who have yet to request and subscribe to my other page can do so now and get the full story). I entertained the ex-fiance when he called a few weeks ago. He called out of the blue one night and rather than cutting him up the entire time like I usually do, I took a different route.When he went throught the "How's my lil' man doing?" crap that he usually does ( I shouldn't really call it crap though seeing as how he was with me when TLC2 was born and for the first two years of his life and has been more of a father financially to TLC2 than "Lucifer" even after we split, but I digress)

Anywho, when he started asking about TLC2, I played the "Lord what is I gon' do?" card and started bitching about tuition and T-ball fess and uniforms, rada, rada, rada. 3 days later, tuition paid.

Now, his girl friend and I have the same relationship any 2 females in our situation would have. In the beginning, I hated her for being a home-wrecking skank whore and she pitied/hated me for being the bitch her man kept running back or, as he his version went, the "crazy ex who couldn't let go". Then, as I began to get him out my system, I hated her for being a clueless skank whore who couldn't keep her man on his leash and she hated me for being the bitch her man kept running back to. Now, I'm amused by her for being a dumb, enabling skant whore who still can't keep her man on his leash but now is worse because she has to know that he really ain't shit but she's so afraid of losing that second income that she plays dumb like she don't know he's still a whore and couldn't possibly give a fuck about anyone but himself and his daughter and who is getting exactly what she deserves because she should have listened when ppl said "the way you get him is the way you lose him". And, in return she hates me for being the bitch her man keeps running back to who really doesn't even want him anymore but is willing to take his money and make him pay for being the sole reason that the winter of "03 is but a blur of tears and Tylenol pm.

So, long story short. She called me.

Her: Who dis'?

Me (laughing a hearty laugh and knowing exactly who it is since I'm with "Rocky" and I know it bet not be a bitch about him because I will gut a bitch like a fish if it is): Umm. . . Tasha, I think you have the wrong number.

Her: What? Who the fuck is this and how you know me?

Me: It's me Tasha. It's always me. No matter what you do . . . he just insists on keeping in contact with me. I tried to tell you. . .

Her: I know this is not no fucking "Enigma".

Me: The one and only. Now, what can I do for you?

Her: Just tell me if ya'll fucking.

Me (laughing): Oh no, we're definitely not fucking.

Her: So why the fuck is he calling you?

Me: Damn, funny how the tables turn, huh? Remember back when it was me asking you this and you said "Cause that's my dude", all the while fucking his brains out? Wow. . .

Her: So if ya'll not fucking, why is he calling you so much. This number is in here like ten fucking times.

Me: I know right? That nigga be beat as hell calling me all the fucking time, You need to get his ass a chew toy to keep him busy while you at work, shit!

Her: Alright look, I know we did you dirty back then, but the game is different this time around, we got a family and shit.

Me: silence.

Her: Hello?

Me: Yea, I'm here.

Her: Did you hear me?

Me: Yea, I heard that bullshit, I'm just trying to figure out why we're still on the phone.

Her: I just need to know what's going on.

Me: I'm not sure what you wanna know. I already told you I'm not fucking him. My days of sharing that dick with you are long gone. Trust.

Her (sounding defeated and truly confused): I just don't understand why he keeps calling you. He said ya'll were thru and that he didn't give a fuck about you. So why is he still blowing up your phone and shit?!?!?

Silence

Her: HELLO!

Me: Uh uh. . see now. . .don't start wit' that yelling shit cause you will get off this phone with a bruised ass ego. I already told you, I don't know what you want to hear and frankly this convo ain't nearly as amusing as I initially thought it would be so. . .

Her: Alright. Just tell me this. Have ya'll gone out or anything?

Me: "Out"? Hell to the naw, my boyfriend would choke the shit outta me if he heard I was walking the street with some nigga. Hell no!

Her: So why . . .

Me (actually starting to feel kind of sorry for the girl): Listen, he just checks in every now and then to see if me and my son are alright, that's all.

Her: Yea, I figured that, but why??? Why the fuck he worried about your house when he here. It ain't his responsibility to be looking in on ya'll like ya'll his family. That's not even his fucking baby!!

Me (taking a deep breathe, any trace of sympathy now gone because for some reason that shit hit a nerve): Alright listen, whether you want to acknowledge it or not, dude still sees us, me and my baby, as his family. And I doubt if he's going to stop trying to take care of us and make sure we're alright anytime soon. Now if I were you, I'd be less concerned about figuring out why he's still checking in on me and really try and ponder why it that your rent for this month is going to have to wait to get paid until next payday and what he did with that $930 instead.

Her: What? He gave you money???

Me (realizing that I have my own man and issues to worry about and frankly getting tired of holding the phone and kinda mad that I'm now going to have to rewind and start the episode of "Dirt" all over again cause this bitch can't control her emotions): Tasha I gotta go because I don't even want to compromise being the bigger person by rubbing shit all in your face as some kind of revenge. I'd be dead ass wrong for pointing out how ironic it is that when the two of you started fucking around, you made it a point to rub those funky ass air force ones that he bought you in my face and now here you are, 3 yrs later with your heart all invested in this nigga, a kid and still no ring and a late fee for your rent cause your man want to be paying tuition bills for kids he ain't even make and shit. I gotta go. But be sure to tell him I said "thanx" when he comes home.

Click.

She called back but I didn't answer.

He has since called to. He left me a message saying that he knew it was going to happen because even though he knew better than to store name and number in his phone, her seeing the number sooo many times and it not being stored was what tipped her off. He apologized for her calling and said it was fucked up that I told cause I could've just hung up on her. Apparently, he's going to let shit cool down for a few weeks before he tries to call me again, but I can just email him if me or TLC2 need anything and that it be easier for him to get shit to me if I would just be cool if she ever called again. (Cause apparently he has no plans on not keeping in touch with me)

SMH

Some niggas never. fucking. learn. . .


Fin.