And now....

Words cannot even begin to describe how relieved I was when I saw him sitting there. So much so, that the next morning he couldn't stop asking me what had gotten into me the night before because I was apparently so "enthusiastic" when we'd made love the night before *blush*. When I told him that I was just happy to see him he just looked at me, smiled, shook his head and told me I didn't have anything to worry about.

Sadly, I still wasn't convinced.

The realization that I was even more anxious about losing him than I'd originally thought hit me when he denied me sex one morning this week. We had just made love a few hrs prior, right before we fell asleep and we both had busy schedules for the day. (We both had to go to work and he had a b-ball game that night). He said he didn't want to be tired all day and have weak legs at the game. Even though I understood where he was coming from - we do go pretty hard. Now, I'm no fan of being denied some good-good, especially in-house good-good. So yes, I again I began to pout (yes, I am aware that my pouting has become a problem.

Then I realized why I was always tying to jump his bones - even when I was either tired myself or, still sore from our last session. In my head, I had to stock up on the peen, because I didn't know how long I'd have it. I told him my theory on how I was traumatized from him going back home before. I told him I felt like shell-shocked veteran that randomly caught flashbacks of their time at was. He didn't laugh and wave my paranoia off this time. Instead, he asked me what more could he do to show me that he wasn't going anywhere and  that I had nothing to worry about besides doing exactly what he's been doing, being there.

I told him that he was doing everything I could think of already and that the issue was with me and I would get it under control.

I'm working on it... 

And then.....*updated* (slightly)

He called me the next night and i think defeated would be the best word to describe how he sounded. I could hear the pain in his voice when very first thing he said was "So you're running from me now?". I explained to him that I hadn't changed my number because I didn't want him to call me, but rather so that I would stop waiting for him to call. He got quiet after that and I asked him about the work on my car. When his friend told him my back breaks didn't need to be repaired, he took the the change from the rest of the repairs ( about 30 buck or so) and bought the fluids that often need to be replenished of which I had none (ie windshield wiper fluid, steering wheel fluid, oil, etc). He'd told me that was something he planned on doing just so I can have the stuff "in case" but with all of his back and forth....

Anyway, our conversation ended suddenly when his daughter began crying and he put me on hold. He took so long that I just hung up and he never called back.

The master plan that I'd concocted didn't exactly work. Ok, so I got answers about the car situation, but let's be real, that was never really too high on my importance list where he is concerned. Where was the whining and begging me to take him back? Why wasn't he taking this time to profess his undying love to me and assure me that I was the only one for him??

I didn't hear from him again until two whole days later. I happened to look at my phone and saw I had a missed call from Obama's friend's phone. I'd love to say that I stood my ground and just ignored it, but no, I called back. When he got on the phone all he said was "I need to see you". I told him a time and he was there.

For the first hour or so, we sat quietly as we sipped the drinks he'd made us with idle chit-chat about current events here and there. I was the picture of calm and patience on the outside, but inside I was a complete wreck:

 Why come here and even entertain the thought of us discussing our feelings if you had no intentions of doing so?!?! I know you don't think you getting no booty!!!! Why aren't you saying anything?? I spilled my guts to you the last time we were face 2 face and now you're sitting here all calm as if it never happened!! I swear fo Lord if you don't tell me how you feel .... - !!

"You're too perfect for me and that scares the shit out of me."

I was so busy losing my mind and curing him out in my head that I didn't notice him staring at me intently and smiling to himself as he saw me trying to play cool and act as if I wasn't about to snap. I looked up suddenly, startled, when I heard his voice. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if this was something he shouldn't have to verbalize in order for me to know it to be the God's honest truth. 

I immediately began to name some of my many faults to debunk this silly notion of perfection that he appeared to have. He laughed softly, looked me in my eye and told me that all of those faults and so much more is exactly what made me perfect...for him.

"You're a good woman that does what I do, how can I walk away from that?"

That was three weeks ago, and we have been inseparable since.
****************************UPDATE***********************************

I forgot to mention whhen I originally posted what it was that let me know he loved me the wa I have always said Iwanted a guy to love me. He told me that his friend had accidently erased my number after I'd spoken to Obama about the car. He said after yelling at dude (smile) he called the phone company (his friend's phone company, mind you) toget my number. That's some shit I would do to get in contact with someone I love. I have ALWAYS told my friends that I need a dude that would go thru the same lengths for me as I would for him. I think I found him.

OAN - during that same convo I bought up how him not having a phone is an issue for me - regardless of who he called himself being with. He got one the next day. I speak, he listens and reacts accordingly. I love it. And him. :)

"Daddy"

Disclaimer: So...you ever have a point that you want to make, but you're not quite sure what that point is? Yea, well...keep that in mind when you read the post below. I'm at work, bored and listeing to the radio. Twista's song "Wetter"came on and I started writing. *shrugs* I don't know what my point is, nor does this blog have any kind of order or any real ending....like I said, I did it at work and I've been distracted. Nonetheless, I'm posting it. Why? Because. lol Seriously tho...depending on the comments, I may be able to find my point elaborate.*

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I know that from the title you probably thought this would be the blog I’ve been saying I’d write in honor of my father, but it is not (still not ready). My father’s name was/is LJ, not Daddy. In fact, the word “daddy” has never held any real significance in my life other than in a sexual manner.

Allow me to elaborate….

Unlike most of my friends, my parents were married when they had me. I lived with them both until they divorced when I was four years old. My (biological) “father” then decided to move to North Carolina to be closer to his family and demanded that my mother allow him to take me.**

I stayed in NC with my (biological) “father” for almost a year. When I returned, my mother had begun dating a new man, my father. My (biological) “father” and I had a sporadic visitation schedule up until I was around nine or so. After that, I didn’t see him again at all and he died when I was twelve. He was in my life (consistently) for all of five years….the first five years. Needless to say, my memories of him (or of what I addressed him as) are distant memories.

LJ is the man who raised, fed, and protected me throughout my life and from whom I learned what a man is supposed to be. However, he has never been my “Daddy”. That word means nothing to me. Hearing it conjures up flashbacks of hot, sweaty nights with my penis of the moment, not memories of my father pushing me on a swing or taking me on a Daddy/daughter date.

“Daddy” is whoever is laying the pipe the right way at the moment. *shrugs*

I know this is a concept that many of you can’t understand or relate to, and that’s fine. But just because YOU don’t understand or can’t relate to it does not mean that it is some sick, twisted concept. Words are just that…words. When I call a dude “Daddy”, I don’t visualize my father. Now, don’t get me wrong, if you are someone who grew up calling your father/father figure “Daddy” I can understand your *pause* at hearing it used in a sexual connotation.

* What say you? My dislcaimer for the blog that has no point has no point you say? Yesterday was 4/20...that's all I'm sayin...don't expect too much from me today. :)

*this is one of the main reasons I allowed my son to go away for the past year with his paternal grandparents. The time I spent getting to know that side of my family was priceless and definitely a once in a lifetime chance for me to interact with them.

What's that saying...?

Yesterday I was talking with my new "Chief" dealer, Shorty Doowop and I realized just how much of a sore thumb I am once I get to talking in an intimate setting. Ya see, I met Shorty Doowop thru a friend. When he finally met me face to face, I was always on my way to some bar or somewhere to party. Now, I'd seen him giving me "the look" but I ignored it. Yesterday, I stopped by his place to pick up a lil sumthin', sumthin' on my way home from work. he seemed surprised that I actually had a full ime job liek a real grown-up and he started to ask me questions. Well, through out the convo he learned the following:

-My parents were together for 25 yrs with not one major argument and only death separated them

-I have 3 older sisters, all of whom have CAREERS, husbands and if not a degree (or two in one instance) then they are currently in school.

-I have a college degree and fully intend on going for my Master's and ultimately my PHD.

- I currently am not working in my CAREER, however my current position makes me a vital part of my company as a whole and as the ONLY black woman (and only 1 of 2 blacks in general) my work is often scrutinized a lil more than the rest, but no one can deny that I'm damn good at what I do. Also, my boss must have some faith in my intelligence as i am responsible for reviewing legal docs from anywhere from 2- 20 pages long and when I'm done, I tell him to sign and he does- no questions asked.

-I volunteer in my community

-I have a proposal for a non-profit that I've been working on for a few years now

He was a lil shocked. He told me that when he first met me, he just figured I was another chick running the streets, laying on her ass all day and neglecting her kid(s). :/ I say all of that to say, you don't know anyone until you KNOW, them. Remember that.

Introducing: Egypt

Egypt and I grew up in the same building. Two years my junior, I kind of looked to her as my protege, seeing as how I just knew I was the shit I was the person who showed her that there was a whole life beyond the building that we grew up in.

I was about 12/13 (which made her 10/11) and wanted to make that twenty-block trek to see my "Pookie". "Kat" was on punishment for missing curfew the last time we'd been up there and I was dreading having to go up there by myself. I went downstairs, fully prepare to suck it up and go lone when I saw young Egypt sitting in the lobby. I swear it was like a lightbulb had went of in my head. I was suddenly seeing this girl in a whole new light. She was a cute kid and I knew she was smart since her mom had me tutor her a few months prior. I figured she'd go up there and fit right in with the guys. I asked her if she wanted to come with me to see my boyfriend and she agreed. I suggested she go upstairs and get fresh (couldn't roll up there with no bum chick lol) and then we were off.

That was it. That was all I did.**

Because I was such a good kid, Egypt's mom had no problem with us being friends and Egypt soon became part of my "crew". Most of the time we were walking to see "Pookie" and his friends, but we spent just as much time holed up in one of our apartments blasting music and eating each others' parents out of house and home.

One day, "Kat", Egypt, myself and another snake-eyed bitch crew member* were chilling at my house. "Kat" and I decided we wanted to go to the store for snacks but Egypt and the snake-eyed bitch other chick didn't feel like coming, so me and Kat left them in my room watching tv. When we got back, my mom stopped us before we got to my room and said she wanted to talk to us. We all sit at the table and my mom goes into the spiel about us being at the age of experimenting, yada, yada, yada. Me and 'Kat" look at each other, laugh and ask my mom what she's talking about. My mom then tells us that she went into my room, not realizing that Egypt and the snake-eyed bitch other chick was still there and walked ino the two of them in my bed going at it like lovers. Me and "Kat" went from being shocked to straight up appalled when my mom then asked if "Kat" and I liked girls too. I think our genuine "wtf" expressions were enough to convince her as she dismissed us with a warning to watch the other two and make sure they didn't try to get us to do anything "strange" lol

"Kat" and I continued to be friends with them, but kind of at a distance. Around the same time, "Kat" and Egypt started to befriend another girl in our building, "T". 'T" and I had been play partners when we were like 6/7 but hadn't really spent much time as we got older because she went to a different elementry school than the rest of us.

One day the three of us: Egypt, "T" and I were supposed to go out and Egypt's mother was tripping saying she couldn't come out. Typical on-the-move teenagers, "T" and I chalked dueces and told Egypt we'd catch her on the flip side and proceeded to the mall. When we got back, we went to my house and listened to music. That pretty much solidified she and I as friends. Her mom was damn near never home, which gave her as much freedom as I had and she was my age, so I didn't have to contantly be concerned as to whether or not I was "turning her out". lol In turn, I had all the hot shit at my house as far as music, movies, etc. My room was a teenage girl's dream. I had even transform the floor of my closet into a "phone booth" with huge pillows. Needless to say, our friendship worked out perfectly. lol

That was eight grade, when I was 13.

A few things happened in the years following that, Egypt and her mom moved to a different part of the city, "Kat" and I stopped speaking, " I lost "Pookie", "Kat" and I fought (the day before my eight grade graduation), "Kat" and her mom moved to North Carolina, I started high school at a private school (sans crew for the first time), I started dating my high school sweetheart, AND my favorite sister moved back home and had a baby for me to flood with kisses.

Somehow when the dust cleared from all of those events, Egypt and I were no longer as close as we used to be. In fact, I barely saw her since most of my after-school time went to my boyfriend and newborn niece and the free time I did have for "girl-talk" was spent with "T" who still lived in my building and went to a cooler school than mine with a football team. (my school was a brain school- no footbal team and our girls' bb team was waaaay better than the guys. lol). Egypt and I never had a falling out or anything, I just kind moved on. I was at the new school meeting all of these new people, and she was still in grammar school trying to finish up seventh grade. *shrugs*.

I know it may sound heartless, but , in my defense, I didn't really see any of my friends, and not for nothing, Egypt didn't exactly reach out to me either. Plus, I know she wasn't totally alone. While I was boo'd up, "T" and a new crew member, Q would go to Egypt's house all of the time.

Oh no, wait. I lied. Egypt did reach out to me during my junior (her freshman) year in high school. My HS Sweetheart and I had just gone thru a whole ordeal with him telling me he'd made a mistake that resulted with a baby that could possibly be his. As we waited the three weeks for the test to confirm or deny, I got a call from Egypt out of the blue.

ME: Hello? *confused at this random as number on my caller id*

Egypt *in her new-found-i'm-finally-in-high school-chicken-head voice*: Enigmaaaaa! You know "HS Sweetie" got a baaaabyyyy?

ME: Hi Egypt., long time no hear. No, we don't know that- we're still waiting on the test-

Egypt *cutting me off*: Uh huuuuh. I'm holding her right now. Oh my gaaaaaaaawd!!!!! She looks just like HS. Sweetie***!

Me: Wow. *hangs up*

So yea, that's when I first realized that despite out years as BFF's, I could no longer look at Egypt as a certified friend nor assume that she would ever have my best interest in mind. I would have never done it that way- especially not from the chick's house. But that's just me.

Unfortunately, that was not the last time I would have to side-eye one of her moves or question  her motives.

To be continued....

* Remember the "friend" I had call "Pookie"? Yea, that was that bitch....

**Remember this as it will come up later.

***No, the baby was not his and we stayed together until the day of my graduation and broke-up for other reasons. Perhaps I'll blog about that one day....

IHATECHU

This is my son's father, Lucifer------->

I hate him so much. Sometime I just sit and think about how much I hate him and plot ways to kill him without doing any time. Only thing is, if something ever did really happen to the fucker under questionable circumstance, I'd be the very first person questioned. NOT because I'm the only one that hates him with the venom of a million venomous rattle snakes, but because I tell anyone who would listen how I'd like for him to not be alive anymore..including Lucifer himself. Now, yes, I do know how horrible it is to wish death on some one...and i have been so distraught over this that I actually cried hysterically to my sister over the phone one day because I hated him so much and I needed her to pray with me for the hatred to be removed from my heart. So, yea...I'm working on it. In fact, I had come to the conclusion before that perhaps it would be best if he just was a man about it and offed himself. you know, fall on his sword so to speak...the world would be a much greater place without him and his kids (3 by three different women) would at least get social security...which is more than they get from him while he's alive. But, now I'm feeling liek he is a real live evil do-er and it i smy duty to wipe him off the face of the Earth once and for all for the greater good of all mankind. *shrugs*

Now…for those of you who are thinking ‘Well you knew he was like that before you had his baby..” I say, Fuck ya’ll, ya’ll don’t know my life!!!! Lol Nah, but in ALL honestly, I was bamboozled. When I met him he had a five yr old daughter that he adored and who was always with him, his own apt and TWO jobs. TWO WEEKS before I found out I was pregnant I looked at him and decided I couldn’t mess with him any more cause at that moment he was high and looked like an absolute crack head. It was like I saw my future with him at that exact moment and I needed to run very far away from it. When I found out I had a baby on the way I let him know and told him that he could have or leave any parts of raising the baby that he wanted. He decided he wanted in. We worked on “us” and when I was 4 months he left me for an older woman who bought him shit. (Not even any shade, he himself said THAT was the reason). He then dropped of f the face of the earth and became her boy toy full time and acted as a dad to her two kids and I got over my broken heart, trekked back and forth to college taking classes and working. He called me out of the blue when I was almost six and a half months and had nothing productive to say or contribute to my pregnancy. I delivered my son prematurely less than a week later and yes I blame his ass for that. He made my body unwelcoming to my baby with the all of the emotions he stirred in me and my baby wanted out.

Through out my son’s life he has come and gone whenever he felt like it. My son is VERY aware of who his father is and even spends summers with him. (More like with his father’s girlfriend as his father whores around but still) The best way for me to demonstrate why I hate him would be to give you some examples of his character so that you guys can all have sympathy for me and want to help me rid the world of him:

When my son was born he was in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Only immediate family member where allowed in this area and the hospital issued wrist bands to those allowed access- only two per family. Seeing as how I was a young (21), unwed college student, my mother was the second person with the wrist band. The day after my son’s birthday, my mom gave the wrist bad to Lucifer who came up ONE time to see my son (through out his entire 80 day stay) and then took the wrist band off…and eventually gave it back to my mom. Said he could stand to see his son laid up in no incubator.

When my son was released from the hospital, 80 days after his birth, I stayed home to take care for him and applied for welfare (my semester of school was over and I took the following semester off.) I lived off of saving and welfare for three months and then got a job. My mom watched the bay for me. In August, my mother couldn’t watch him anymore and his father acted as if he couldn’t either (even tho I said “watch him and I’ll work, you don’t have to pay me anything in child support). So I quite my job. Two months after quitting saving was running low…I told Lucifer that the baby needed walking shoes. He told me he was gonna be in his cousin’s wedding the following month and needed his money for that and that I couldn’t get blood from a turnip. My response? I can’t but I bet child support can. Apparently you need “the man” to help you get your priorities straight. It took me a week before I got a chance to file for child support and tell me why they already had a case pending listing ME as the defendant. This sucka had tried to be one step ahead of me by suing ME for visitation…dumbass…I still filed for support and made sure every day he asked for was when he had my son.

On one of he requested weekend… he picked my son up to have for the weekend and then bought him back fur hours later talmbout he and his girlfriend hadn’t been alone in awhile to have sex and they needed that night together.

What else…what else…?

Oh yea…he broke up with the chick he left me for when he went to visit his mom in NC and found another sucka “woman” with more money to support him. Then he up and moved to NC…did I mention BOTH his kids live in JERSEY???

He got ole girl pregnant within a month…and was BARELY fully broken up from chick he left me for.

He started having my son for the summer vacations after that and it would be his mom that my son stayed with mostly.

ALL OF THIS TIME MY CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT HAVE BEEN SPORADIC B/C THE NIGGA REFUSES TO KEEP A JOB!!!

He calls my son about as often as he does make payment ..which ain’t much at all.

Fastforward to this summer (my son is 7 at this time). He and his now fiancé say they want my baby to stay down for the school. Year. Now this was something I’d actually told Lucifer when my son was born. When he turned five, I wanted Lucifer to be the sole guardian because I can’t teach a boy how to be a man. He agreed…but never got his shit together. So in the summer he and his “fiancé” were having a good week (cause Lord know every OTHER week they were breaking up their ghetto Brady bunch- {she has two kids from a previous relation ship, he has two and they have a child together}. Anyway, during this time they convince me that they wanted him to stay and everything was rainbows glitter down there. Their “wedding” was planned for August 14th; I told the fiancé that if he actually married her, my son could stay because that would be a very clear indication that he was a changed man. August 14th comes and goes…no wedding…in fact…they break up. *gasp*

Then Lucifer says he’ll be sending my son home.

THEN…less than a week later… Lucifer calls and gives me this speech about how he’s moving out on his own and still wants my son to stay down there. Fine. He tells me he needs me to send school clothes for him. I do.

THEN he says that he didn’t get the job he thought he would, so my son is coming home, but he’s gonna send for him in NOVEMBER.

Five minutes later he leaves a msg saying that he’s a man and he’ll work it out…my son is staying…he just needs his birth certificate and social security card to apply for this low income apt complex near his mom.

Fine I send that out AND a letter stating that he was to act as his legal guardian on my behalf since his name isn’t on the birth certificate.

Then he calls and says my baby has to come home. This time I say, “No. I send the paper. He’s your responsibility now.” I do this, because I didn’t want my bay back home, but because I knew he would try to bring him back then conveniently “forget” to bring back the docs and would no doubt claim my son as his dependent. Not I said the cat. I say “Nah, you got him now.” Click.

Then he calls and leaves a msg saying ‘U right, he can stay. Not cause you said so, but because I know what I gotta do as a man”. Smch

THEN he calls me AGAIN less than half an hour and leaves a msg saying I just wanted my son down there so I could run around in the bars and fuck niggas and that he know what the fuck he gotta do and I need to just work with him. And he gonna come to JC and “do what he gotta do” Mind you all this time I’ve agreed to whatever he’s asked.

After this message, I call his mother and she tells me that the “fiancé” mealticket girlfriend is moving from North Carolina to Georgia and said that my son couldn’t come along. Apparently, Lucifer wanted to follow his bread and butter…only son be damned. Makes sense…She then tells me that she and her husband want my son to stay down there with them (where he spent most of the summer anyway) and that we’ll let Lucifer think that he’s getting his way and that they’ll come up to visit in the beginning of September, pretend to drop my son off, and then take him right back down to NC with them

In November he left a msg on my moms phone saying that hi smother did drugs and he didn’t want my son down there with her and that I just had to be patient and he would’ve came and got him by now. I stopped listening, but my mom later told me that he also said he was going to sign away his parental rights. Sign them away to whom, idk…still patiently waiting on those papers.

Since November he’s been calling his mom’s phone to talk to my son asking about his teacher and what time he gets out of school and that he’ll see him soon,. As if he’s plotting to come and kidnap my son. I made it clear to his moms that I would treat him like a stranger if he did.. Amber alerts and all and that she should let him know he don’t wanna give me a reason.

On Christmas, his mother tells me that he called there for my son and said ‘merry Christmas…I’m gonna whoop your ass when I see you”. When my son asked why, Lucifer told him it was because he had a smart mouth. What was so smart about my son’s mouth? In the conversation they had had prior, Lucifer told my son that he was gonna come get him in a few months and my son said he didn’t want to go with him.

Oh yea..and remeber that whole situation with my ex-sister?  Yea, well it seems that after Lucifer called her husband he somehow forgot about his reasoning for calling and pretty much let dude convince him that it was nothing and that my son was just a big baby and I had him spoiled. Dude also gave very false info about how I was alway sgoing out. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Not only did I not go ANY where when my son was with me, but often times I had my son AND my nephews. So where the fuck was I going????? Smch.

There was one more thing I wanted to add.....what....was...it.....????? Damn, I can't remember..screw it...I think that's enough for now anyway. WAIT I remember... I infiltrated his facebook page under an assumed name and found out that LUCIFER IS A MENTOR in the city I live in. There it was as his profile pic, him at a basketball court with a bunch of young boys. His caption read how kids are the future and need men to show them the way yada, yada, yada. Did I mention the date stamp on the pic was July 09...when my son was in  NC...and Lucifer came up here with his "fiance" for "business". So he left his actual kids in North Carolina where they had come to visit HIM, just so he could come to THEIR homes city and mentor youth??? WTF. When my son gets home I'm taking him to that mentoring program. Maybe he'll get Lucifer as a mentor and get to actually spend some quality time with the son of a bitch. Smch.

So yea….I hate that motherfucker.

***My aplogies for any typos, run-on sentences, etc...I was mad as hell writing this****

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
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Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...

Pieces of Me

First things first, as you can see I made some changes to the place. After my recent discovery of how trifling I've become my newfound independence from expectations, I realized I’m feeling less cute, giggly girl and more sexy, seductive woman. So I kinda wanted my blog to have a black lacquer, glass, leather, bachelorette vibe, and less of a cozy bubblegum one, feel me? Hope you guys likey…

Moving on…

So when I started this blog, I knew that one of the main things I wanted to do on here was to finally acknowledge the ambiguity that is me. I am such a walking contradiction that it even amazes me sometimes. Like everyone else, I have so many hats that I wear on a daily basis. As the youngest of four daughters, with the closest in age being 9yrs my senior, I am the perpetual baby of my family. Growing up it was if I had four moms instead of a mom and 3 sisters. By the time I was in 4th or 5th grade they were all living on their own and doing their own thing, so it was just me, my mom and my step dad. This left me virtually up to my own devices since my mom was pretty much done with the whole “mothering” thing after my sisters. Hell, she had my oldest sister when she was 17, so I can kinda understand her saying fuck it  being less hands on with me. I learned early on that as long as I did what I was supposed to: made good grades, respected my elders, didn't walk around acting like a hood rat, etc, I could basically do whatever  pleased.

One would think that my older, wiser sisters would see this and come in and pick up some of the slack. Nope. They were busy running the streets starting careers and families of their own. Now, don't get me wrong, the sister closest to me in age, "Kim" was around..hell her and my oldest kinda took turns moving back home whenever things got too tough in the real world. But anyway, yea, Kim was around, but her job was to spoil me. She made sure I saw all the latest movies, had spending money and name brand bags. But the whole woman-to-woman talk stuff...yea, never got any of that. In fact, to this day I don't talk to my sisters about sex and I give 'Kim" the look whenever she talks about her and her husband. Yes, our relationship has gone from little sister/big sister to a more adult relationship but...well...she ain't ready. I keep telling her, if you keep trying to tell me abuot your sex life, I promise you I'll tell you about mine and I doubt if you really wanna know that much about me. lol

But yea, I don’t talk to my sisters about my dating life at all and I have an unspoken understanding with them that my outside life is what it is and what it is is none of their beeswax. I also don’t curse around them (or my mom of course) despite the fact that I have one of the foulest mouths EVER. I lost it in front of "Kim" and my mom one time while I was cursing out my sister's babydaddy's mother when I was 17 (another story for another day), so they know what I'm capable of, but I feel as if speaking to them like I do my friends would be disrespectful, no matter how old I am. I feel this changing VERY soon, but for now, 'tis what it is.

I say all of that to say that this Enigma that you guys get a glimpse of is me at my rawest. Lately I have noticed that *insert government name here* and Enigma are becoming the same person and I am loving it.

I'm finally moving away from what is "safe: and exploring a more adventurous life that I'd previously been too "good" to partake in. Prime example, being the uber girlie-girl that I am, I have a standing appointment with Tony Li to get my nails and my toeses did. Usually, I'm a french tip girl all the way. But the last time I went in, I got a purple solar stone set on my nails and then this past weekend I went back and decided that my toes were feeling more hot pink and less french:

Ain't they sparkly???

Everything real, I only got this color on my toes b/c it's winter and my feet stay covered.

 I doubt that even the wild and crazy free me would do this in the flip-flop wearing summer. lol And yes, the fact that they don't match is yet another "new" for me.

*Follow me on Twitter:  www.twitter.com/enigmawho