I know, I know...

I suck.

I dropped the bomb about Obama and then just dropped off the face of blogspot. My bad. Seriously. Work has just been more....work than usual. But rest assured. I am not somewhere crying my eyes our over a man that was never mine. The end of the tryst hurt, but we all know I cam into the situation with my eyes wide open and regardless of how it ended, it was a beautiful experience while it lasted. He is still around, just to a different extent. I know I can call him when I need something and he'll do whatever he can to make it happen or find someone who can if he can"t. At the end of the day, I'm happy with that.

Like I said, work has been a tad hectic lately....but even that is fine since it gives me ammo to go to my boss in January for my yearly review and demand more money. So yea, I;'m good.

My baby is home....I know I don"t usually talk too much about my role as "mommy" on here, and I have my reasons for that. But having him back is the best feeling ever. He's such a character! I don't see how I didn't lose my mind for the year that he was gone. Maybe I'll share a few stories with you guys abut my baby, we'll see...

"Sweet Black Pipe"has resurfaced...that's a whole blog in itself...coming soon.

I'm buying a laptop in the next week or so, so I should be able to give you guys a more detailed update soon.

In the meantime, I'd suggest watching a reality show or two to get your fuckery fix until I return. ;)

Oh yea, my sister (yea, that one) came home to visit this weekend. This makes only the second time I've seen her since our falling our. The first time being right after my dad passed. So yea, ummm...expect a blog on that soon as well....

Toodles snitches~! ;)

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his daughter is in the hospital right now and has been for the past two days with some sort of infection they detected in her urine right now she's getting all of these tests so they have to keep her there for most of the week Obama has been at the hospital most of the time and stayed there last night with his daughter's mother this morning he informed me that they had a long sit down and now he is cinfused and feels like he needs to try again to work things our with her for the sake of the chil I understand it and respecthim for it but given what he's tol dme about their relationship both pre and post chil I doubt if it will owrk he says he enjoys every minute with me and doesn"t want anything to change I told him I can"t go back to being what he does Friday nights after the club closes and he said he'd never expect me too I said well if your working on your family you should do away with the side pieces anyway He said I was never a sidepiece and was always more to him then that and he never meant for me to get hurt but he doesn"t want to drag me along in his shit Now I'm going to go to the river and hope the pain washes away with each wave i see...

Really doesn't really make ME any less trifling tho, now does it?

Obama and I are headed about 90mph in a very good direction.

I'm done being afraid of my attachment to him. Nope, no slash thru - I am attached to Obama. And I told him as much. And instead of hesitation, there was excitement. I mentioned begging afraid - of needing him and losing him, of my son getting attached - because I know he will - Obama is a good guy, a genuinely GOOD GUY...and my son is drawn to that...just like his mama...Instead of him telling me he'd fall back a little to avoid that, he told me he'd thought about the same thing. And was afraid himself of getting attached to my son. Especially since his daughter's mother has been threatening to keep him from her. …because she wants him to come back home - and he refuses - because they've "always had problems" and had broken up weeks before they found out she was pregnant. And they got back together the first few months, but realized there was no making it work. “And then you {I} came back into the picture.” And then his daughter was born. And there was more trying to make a "square peg fit into a triangle slot"...that is...until he starting realizing that I "was looking more and more like the perfect fit"...and that makes so much sense…because the grimy dude he appeared to be when we reconnected just didn’t match the gentleman that I always knew him to be….

I told him about my idea for a non-profit. That is usually the barometer by which I decide who I can be with. If I really feel comfortable with you, then I tell you about my biggest dream - starting my non-profit. How you react to it (excitement, indifference, etc) determines where we go from there and whether we could ever have a future. Not only did he get excited, but he told me he'd always wanted to do something for young boys - somehow sports related of course. It would fit perfectly with the idea I have. I admitted to him that I'd slacked off with working on it, and that I'd have to start from scratch because I'd lost the work I'd done on it thus far. He told me that I needed to "get back to working on it so that we can get married, open it up and pop out some more big head babies" That day at work, I started working on my dream again. Because of him. Later that night, he checked the numbers for the Power Ball and told me that if he won I could open my non-profit tomorrow.

He's going to be subletting an apartment starting next month...and his tournament in Mexico has been pushed back to the end of July…and his sister and I may go visit him down there for our birthday weekend in August...and we're planning a road trip to VA to see some of his fam and "we can even bring your son cause my cousin has a bunch of kids he can play with"

So I say all of that to say that for now, I'm going to stop being worried about where I land....

and

just

fall.......

I decided -

I'm ending things with Obama.

" I keep you happy"

Yesterday I was on the phone chatting it up with my fave friend*, "T” about Obama and were trying to decide if I should end it all with him or not. That morning he’d driven me to work and he was telling me how his “baby moms” (he never calls her his girl around me. As if that somehow makes me forget that I know that's what she is) had went thru his pockets a few weeks ago and found something in his pocket that she didn’t want in the house. We, he’d told me because it pertained to the topic we were discussing, so he wasn’t just talking about her to be talking about her. Nonetheless, all I could keep thinking is. ‘Why weren’t your pants on?”. That right there just let’s me know for certain that shit has gone too far.

‘T” and I decided that I would just tell him not to bring her up around me a gain at all, and then I’ll just be cool with shit as it is. I really can’t complain everything’s kosher, two thumbs up, Ebert and Roeper**. I’ll just enjoy it for now and chill the fuck out.

He stayed over last night and this morning we were sitting around talking and watching tv before work and we were talking about an event that I’m going to this weekend. He asked me if I was taking a date with this hurt look on his face and I told him no. He said he’d want to go with me if I asked him but that he would have to double check his schedule and make sure he wouldn’t have his daughter. When he said that, I went into my usual “I-didn’t-sign-on-for-this-shit” speech that I give him whenever he can’t do what I want him too (which isn’t too often, but he and I agree that I deserve to bitch when I want since he gets to live a double life-drama free)

But while we were talking, he said something so simple, yet dead-on that made me really sit back, think, and shut the fuck up***: “I keep you happy” . And he does. I see him enough so that I don’t feel neglected (not since his week-long hiatus and the subsequent presentation of my “You-know-I-don’t-play,-I’ll-drop-off-the-face-of-the -Earth-on-your-ass-if-you-start-acting-fucked-up” speech). But we also give each other enough space so that when we do see each other, we’re usually missing one another’s company so much that things are usually very…mushy when get in the same room.

I can totally co-sign that he makes me happy. And I have decided, that’s more than enough for me.

\

The ways in which the universe works is amazing. This was the first song that came on went I opened up Pandora this morning:

*I’ve stopped calling her my best friend b/c that is misleading. She kinda sucks as a friend sometimes but I love her and she is my FAVORITE friend as I prefer her company of almost anyone else’s.
**Drake- "Over"
***I don't usually do this- EVER lol

Oh, Obama..... *sigh*

Nothing too new to update other than the fact that Obama still has me all kinds of confustrated.

I've been telling my homie that I need an interventon to help get me off this nigga because things are just getting worse better? worse. Not that anything bad has happened, in fact, it's just the opposite. Like him staying the night at my house at least two nights week now. Or that the sex has somehow gotten even better (I think that's due to a feeling or two creeping in, hence the worse/better confusion). Not only that but it would appear that he talks about me- ALOT to the people around him. Like last night he called his sister to remind her that the Cavs were playing and I heard him tell her that he was at my house. Not "this chick's house" or "my people's house"- he said my name and she knew exactly who he was talking about. Now even though I've met her before, it was ONE time MONTHS ago and I don't even remember her name. In fact, I don't recall us being properly introduced at all with names and stuff...

Anywho...not only did she know exactly who I was when he said my name, but she asked when I was having my homewarming party- yea, I haven't seen or spoken to her since I moved and especially not about a housewarming that I haven't even finalized plans for yet, but I have spoken to Obama about it....

We headed out to pick up some food after the game and I told him to drive because I was intoxicated. He noticed the car shaking a lil while he was driving and told me how he has a bunch of friends that are mechanics and would have one of them check it out. First he calls his cousin (who used to work with my dad and dated my sister and actually drove me {along with my sister}3 hours away to start college a few years back) and told him that he needed to know what dude would charge him to do the work. I guess his cousin asked if the work was for Obama's car and he said no it's for Enigma. Then Obama laughed and blushed at whatever ole boy said and then handed me the phone. I'm thinking dude is gionna ask me about the car, but instead he says "What you doing to my lil cousin yo?" and laughed. I asked him what he meant and he told me Obama's been acting "weird" since he and I linked back up. After talking for a lil while I realized who the cousin was. He laughed even harder when he realized I was his ex's lil sister and said "Yea, now I know that nigga in trouble fuckin around wit you." (not in a bad way- more like he assumes good-good runs in my family and Obama stands no chance against the powers of the p----)

Anyway, my point is that shit is feeling very not sidepieceish and I'm scared. Yes, I said it, I'm scared. I want to stop myself for falling for this dude but it's getting very hard. Every since the last time he went ghost on me, he's been on his best behavior with me. In fact, while I'm at work right now, he's off getting my car fixed and will be picking me up later.

This isn't feeling so casual anymore (to me anyway) ... :-/

*Sigh*

I blame ya'll...yea all of you readers who saw this coming and didn't try to remind me that chicks suck at seperating heart from lady parts. You guys suck.

Ok, I'm sorry...that was mean. you guys actually rock...I suck...haha...speaking of which...I'd sent Obama a text yesterday that said "U suck" and his repsonse was "U suck better." Stupid, I know, but it had me giggling all day.

Another pointless blog...don't say I never did anything to make your Friday go by just a tad bit quicker, mmkay?

Tata for now..

Oh wait- one more thing-

The other day I'd just gotten off of work and was running in the store real quick to get a paper when this dude tried to holla. He looked cute enough and his aproach was good enough (very respectful... and he called me gorgeous and I'm kinda shallow) so I was gonna give him my number. That is until his boy got out the car and started making his way to us. First dude lurked around on the passenger side of my car (me and the dude tryna holla were standing near the driver's side) His boy slowly made his way around the car until he was standing right next to us. I had given dude all but the last two digits of my number when his dude says in a low voice "You like threesomes?" I looked at him, then back at his boy who was still waiting for the last two digits of my number and chalked dueces to them both. The hell????? Is that what's acceptable these days?? I could see if I was at the bar and heard this...but in mid afternoon, still in my work gear and not a drink in site nor a bar table to dance on and this is what dudes think is ok to say to a lady?? And dude tryna holla didn't even attempt to check his boy, if not to defend the honor of a lady then AT LEAST for the biggest cockblock of the century.

So yea, I'm a lesbian now. 

"Daddy"

Disclaimer: So...you ever have a point that you want to make, but you're not quite sure what that point is? Yea, well...keep that in mind when you read the post below. I'm at work, bored and listeing to the radio. Twista's song "Wetter"came on and I started writing. *shrugs* I don't know what my point is, nor does this blog have any kind of order or any real ending....like I said, I did it at work and I've been distracted. Nonetheless, I'm posting it. Why? Because. lol Seriously tho...depending on the comments, I may be able to find my point elaborate.*

***********************************************************

I know that from the title you probably thought this would be the blog I’ve been saying I’d write in honor of my father, but it is not (still not ready). My father’s name was/is LJ, not Daddy. In fact, the word “daddy” has never held any real significance in my life other than in a sexual manner.

Allow me to elaborate….

Unlike most of my friends, my parents were married when they had me. I lived with them both until they divorced when I was four years old. My (biological) “father” then decided to move to North Carolina to be closer to his family and demanded that my mother allow him to take me.**

I stayed in NC with my (biological) “father” for almost a year. When I returned, my mother had begun dating a new man, my father. My (biological) “father” and I had a sporadic visitation schedule up until I was around nine or so. After that, I didn’t see him again at all and he died when I was twelve. He was in my life (consistently) for all of five years….the first five years. Needless to say, my memories of him (or of what I addressed him as) are distant memories.

LJ is the man who raised, fed, and protected me throughout my life and from whom I learned what a man is supposed to be. However, he has never been my “Daddy”. That word means nothing to me. Hearing it conjures up flashbacks of hot, sweaty nights with my penis of the moment, not memories of my father pushing me on a swing or taking me on a Daddy/daughter date.

“Daddy” is whoever is laying the pipe the right way at the moment. *shrugs*

I know this is a concept that many of you can’t understand or relate to, and that’s fine. But just because YOU don’t understand or can’t relate to it does not mean that it is some sick, twisted concept. Words are just that…words. When I call a dude “Daddy”, I don’t visualize my father. Now, don’t get me wrong, if you are someone who grew up calling your father/father figure “Daddy” I can understand your *pause* at hearing it used in a sexual connotation.

* What say you? My dislcaimer for the blog that has no point has no point you say? Yesterday was 4/20...that's all I'm sayin...don't expect too much from me today. :)

*this is one of the main reasons I allowed my son to go away for the past year with his paternal grandparents. The time I spent getting to know that side of my family was priceless and definitely a once in a lifetime chance for me to interact with them.

What's that saying...?

Yesterday I was talking with my new "Chief" dealer, Shorty Doowop and I realized just how much of a sore thumb I am once I get to talking in an intimate setting. Ya see, I met Shorty Doowop thru a friend. When he finally met me face to face, I was always on my way to some bar or somewhere to party. Now, I'd seen him giving me "the look" but I ignored it. Yesterday, I stopped by his place to pick up a lil sumthin', sumthin' on my way home from work. he seemed surprised that I actually had a full ime job liek a real grown-up and he started to ask me questions. Well, through out the convo he learned the following:

-My parents were together for 25 yrs with not one major argument and only death separated them

-I have 3 older sisters, all of whom have CAREERS, husbands and if not a degree (or two in one instance) then they are currently in school.

-I have a college degree and fully intend on going for my Master's and ultimately my PHD.

- I currently am not working in my CAREER, however my current position makes me a vital part of my company as a whole and as the ONLY black woman (and only 1 of 2 blacks in general) my work is often scrutinized a lil more than the rest, but no one can deny that I'm damn good at what I do. Also, my boss must have some faith in my intelligence as i am responsible for reviewing legal docs from anywhere from 2- 20 pages long and when I'm done, I tell him to sign and he does- no questions asked.

-I volunteer in my community

-I have a proposal for a non-profit that I've been working on for a few years now

He was a lil shocked. He told me that when he first met me, he just figured I was another chick running the streets, laying on her ass all day and neglecting her kid(s). :/ I say all of that to say, you don't know anyone until you KNOW, them. Remember that.

Half Baked

***Editor's Note: This was actually written on the 28th- (Sunday Night) but due to technical difficulties I couldn't post it then

I am sitting in my new apartment thinking about how, at this precise moment, I am feeling like the grown-butt-woman I knew and looked up too when I was a youngin. Just a few years ago I was looking at young women who had decent-paying full-time jobs, their own dope ass apartment and their kid (if they even had one) was always put together and she herself was never off-point appearance-wise. I am finally she. I still sometimes see chicks doing something I know for a fact is difficult to do, and wonder how they manage to pull it off so effortlessly (or at least succeed in portraying it to be such) not even realizing the difficult shit I face and conquer each day that other chicks (be they younger or not) try their damndest and can't pull off..

IDK....This blog post was supposed to be me telling ya'll that Friday was Obama's birthday and he spent the night and most of the following day with me, and him being on his way here right now, and me being confused again.

But, I'm high. And this is the blog you got, dammit.

Read it and weep bitches. Don't care if it don't make sense. Like I said I'm hiiiigggghhhh!!!

lmao

These are my confessions...

I miss Mr. Big. {check the labels with his name to get caught up if you ned to. I'm way too high to link shit right now.}

I'm tired of being single. Nah, fuck that. Since this is confession time, let me word it as I feel it: I'M LONELY! :(

I realize the the way I'm dealing with my father's death is by worrying about my mother. It's like I don't ever really relax b/c I convince myself that she needs me. So I'm back and forth at her house all week. Yep, maybe it's that me saying I don't want her to be by herself is also me saying I don't want to be by myself..

I'm pretty high right now.

I'm also pretty high. As in I look pretty when I'm under the influence. Conceited? Yes. So?

You know what really grinds my gears????

People who only follow/comment on blogs in order to get people to comment/follow theirs. I guess it's because I personally gives not a tiny fuck if I have readers or not. (even though I adore and appreciate you all (*_*) But seriously, I don't write this stuff for whatever reaction I may get. I write so that I can release and so that I have a place to keep a record of this stage in my life.

Now I'm not knocking those who blog purely for the number of views/comments/followers that they receive. HOWEVER, I think it's rude as fuck to leave a comment on someone else's blog whoring yourself for followers. That "I'm following you, so you follow me" , like I just saw on  Khaki's blog is some ole bullshit. No, I will not follow you simply because you are following me. I will, however, glady "follow" you if I enjoy what the fuck it is you write.

*sigh*

End Rant.

P.S- I may be a tad bitchy due to the Sweet Pipe situation not going as I would like so excuse me. More on that later tho.

Tata for now 

Coming Soon...

I know, I know…I’ve been quite the Neglectful Nancy, haven’t I? I apologize, really I do. The upside, however, is that while I have been NOT been updating this blog as I should,  I HAVE been sure to get myself into lots of trife situations to entertain you all. Lol Ok, maybe not all are so trife, but I do guarantee that my judgmental readers will have something to judge and my fellow trife readers will have something to lol and smh at. :)

Unfortunately I can’t fill you all in right now as “they” are still insisting that I actually work when I come to work. But, perhaps if I can manage to stay sober this weekend I’ll post a blog or two or ten. We’ll see…

In the meantime this is what you can look forward to*:

1- “Introducing: Sweet Black Pipe and Big Sexy” (possible new boo and his cousin who was/(is?) also a potential new boo)**

2- “Intoducing: “Egypt” (my very own molester/stalker/single white female-ish friend since childhood and her drunken antics) *shivers*

3- “This Can’t Possibly be Good for My Daddy Issues” {My father (biological) died when I was 11, but my DAD of 25 yrs passed away last week} *sigh*

4- “The House of Enigma” (I moved into a new crib on the 1st of Feb)

5- “In Love with Obama?” (yea, about that…) *hangs head in shame*

6- "The Final Chapter of OG (Older-Gentleman Friend) and Enigma” (Yea, that pretty much says it all..) *dusts shoulder off*

7- "Thug addict Rehab"

Tata for now my lovelies!!!

*The titles of the blogs listed are subject to change with my mood, but I will try to keep on topic as much as possible.

**I did promise you a little trife, didn’t I? lol

Cuz I'm a pothole? Sooooo............

I love that commercial. lol

Anywho...how the hell ya'll doin out there????

Alot has gone one but it has all been so sporadic that I can't even begin to write about it all right now. (these fuckers at work actually expect me to WORK now. Wtf? lol )

Anywho...until I can formulate my thoughts and transform them into a blog, I figured I'd let you guys dictate my next blog. Anything you wanna know that I haven't covered on here? Ask and ye shall receive an answer. You can either post the question in the comments section of this blog or email me at enigmajones08@gmail.com. NO TOPIC IS OFF LIMITS.

Later folks!

p.s. Did I ever say Happy New Year??? I don't think so but yea, Happy New Year's lol

IHATECHU

This is my son's father, Lucifer------->

I hate him so much. Sometime I just sit and think about how much I hate him and plot ways to kill him without doing any time. Only thing is, if something ever did really happen to the fucker under questionable circumstance, I'd be the very first person questioned. NOT because I'm the only one that hates him with the venom of a million venomous rattle snakes, but because I tell anyone who would listen how I'd like for him to not be alive anymore..including Lucifer himself. Now, yes, I do know how horrible it is to wish death on some one...and i have been so distraught over this that I actually cried hysterically to my sister over the phone one day because I hated him so much and I needed her to pray with me for the hatred to be removed from my heart. So, yea...I'm working on it. In fact, I had come to the conclusion before that perhaps it would be best if he just was a man about it and offed himself. you know, fall on his sword so to speak...the world would be a much greater place without him and his kids (3 by three different women) would at least get social security...which is more than they get from him while he's alive. But, now I'm feeling liek he is a real live evil do-er and it i smy duty to wipe him off the face of the Earth once and for all for the greater good of all mankind. *shrugs*

Now…for those of you who are thinking ‘Well you knew he was like that before you had his baby..” I say, Fuck ya’ll, ya’ll don’t know my life!!!! Lol Nah, but in ALL honestly, I was bamboozled. When I met him he had a five yr old daughter that he adored and who was always with him, his own apt and TWO jobs. TWO WEEKS before I found out I was pregnant I looked at him and decided I couldn’t mess with him any more cause at that moment he was high and looked like an absolute crack head. It was like I saw my future with him at that exact moment and I needed to run very far away from it. When I found out I had a baby on the way I let him know and told him that he could have or leave any parts of raising the baby that he wanted. He decided he wanted in. We worked on “us” and when I was 4 months he left me for an older woman who bought him shit. (Not even any shade, he himself said THAT was the reason). He then dropped of f the face of the earth and became her boy toy full time and acted as a dad to her two kids and I got over my broken heart, trekked back and forth to college taking classes and working. He called me out of the blue when I was almost six and a half months and had nothing productive to say or contribute to my pregnancy. I delivered my son prematurely less than a week later and yes I blame his ass for that. He made my body unwelcoming to my baby with the all of the emotions he stirred in me and my baby wanted out.

Through out my son’s life he has come and gone whenever he felt like it. My son is VERY aware of who his father is and even spends summers with him. (More like with his father’s girlfriend as his father whores around but still) The best way for me to demonstrate why I hate him would be to give you some examples of his character so that you guys can all have sympathy for me and want to help me rid the world of him:

When my son was born he was in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Only immediate family member where allowed in this area and the hospital issued wrist bands to those allowed access- only two per family. Seeing as how I was a young (21), unwed college student, my mother was the second person with the wrist band. The day after my son’s birthday, my mom gave the wrist bad to Lucifer who came up ONE time to see my son (through out his entire 80 day stay) and then took the wrist band off…and eventually gave it back to my mom. Said he could stand to see his son laid up in no incubator.

When my son was released from the hospital, 80 days after his birth, I stayed home to take care for him and applied for welfare (my semester of school was over and I took the following semester off.) I lived off of saving and welfare for three months and then got a job. My mom watched the bay for me. In August, my mother couldn’t watch him anymore and his father acted as if he couldn’t either (even tho I said “watch him and I’ll work, you don’t have to pay me anything in child support). So I quite my job. Two months after quitting saving was running low…I told Lucifer that the baby needed walking shoes. He told me he was gonna be in his cousin’s wedding the following month and needed his money for that and that I couldn’t get blood from a turnip. My response? I can’t but I bet child support can. Apparently you need “the man” to help you get your priorities straight. It took me a week before I got a chance to file for child support and tell me why they already had a case pending listing ME as the defendant. This sucka had tried to be one step ahead of me by suing ME for visitation…dumbass…I still filed for support and made sure every day he asked for was when he had my son.

On one of he requested weekend… he picked my son up to have for the weekend and then bought him back fur hours later talmbout he and his girlfriend hadn’t been alone in awhile to have sex and they needed that night together.

What else…what else…?

Oh yea…he broke up with the chick he left me for when he went to visit his mom in NC and found another sucka “woman” with more money to support him. Then he up and moved to NC…did I mention BOTH his kids live in JERSEY???

He got ole girl pregnant within a month…and was BARELY fully broken up from chick he left me for.

He started having my son for the summer vacations after that and it would be his mom that my son stayed with mostly.

ALL OF THIS TIME MY CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT HAVE BEEN SPORADIC B/C THE NIGGA REFUSES TO KEEP A JOB!!!

He calls my son about as often as he does make payment ..which ain’t much at all.

Fastforward to this summer (my son is 7 at this time). He and his now fiancé say they want my baby to stay down for the school. Year. Now this was something I’d actually told Lucifer when my son was born. When he turned five, I wanted Lucifer to be the sole guardian because I can’t teach a boy how to be a man. He agreed…but never got his shit together. So in the summer he and his “fiancé” were having a good week (cause Lord know every OTHER week they were breaking up their ghetto Brady bunch- {she has two kids from a previous relation ship, he has two and they have a child together}. Anyway, during this time they convince me that they wanted him to stay and everything was rainbows glitter down there. Their “wedding” was planned for August 14th; I told the fiancé that if he actually married her, my son could stay because that would be a very clear indication that he was a changed man. August 14th comes and goes…no wedding…in fact…they break up. *gasp*

Then Lucifer says he’ll be sending my son home.

THEN…less than a week later… Lucifer calls and gives me this speech about how he’s moving out on his own and still wants my son to stay down there. Fine. He tells me he needs me to send school clothes for him. I do.

THEN he says that he didn’t get the job he thought he would, so my son is coming home, but he’s gonna send for him in NOVEMBER.

Five minutes later he leaves a msg saying that he’s a man and he’ll work it out…my son is staying…he just needs his birth certificate and social security card to apply for this low income apt complex near his mom.

Fine I send that out AND a letter stating that he was to act as his legal guardian on my behalf since his name isn’t on the birth certificate.

Then he calls and says my baby has to come home. This time I say, “No. I send the paper. He’s your responsibility now.” I do this, because I didn’t want my bay back home, but because I knew he would try to bring him back then conveniently “forget” to bring back the docs and would no doubt claim my son as his dependent. Not I said the cat. I say “Nah, you got him now.” Click.

Then he calls and leaves a msg saying ‘U right, he can stay. Not cause you said so, but because I know what I gotta do as a man”. Smch

THEN he calls me AGAIN less than half an hour and leaves a msg saying I just wanted my son down there so I could run around in the bars and fuck niggas and that he know what the fuck he gotta do and I need to just work with him. And he gonna come to JC and “do what he gotta do” Mind you all this time I’ve agreed to whatever he’s asked.

After this message, I call his mother and she tells me that the “fiancé” mealticket girlfriend is moving from North Carolina to Georgia and said that my son couldn’t come along. Apparently, Lucifer wanted to follow his bread and butter…only son be damned. Makes sense…She then tells me that she and her husband want my son to stay down there with them (where he spent most of the summer anyway) and that we’ll let Lucifer think that he’s getting his way and that they’ll come up to visit in the beginning of September, pretend to drop my son off, and then take him right back down to NC with them

In November he left a msg on my moms phone saying that hi smother did drugs and he didn’t want my son down there with her and that I just had to be patient and he would’ve came and got him by now. I stopped listening, but my mom later told me that he also said he was going to sign away his parental rights. Sign them away to whom, idk…still patiently waiting on those papers.

Since November he’s been calling his mom’s phone to talk to my son asking about his teacher and what time he gets out of school and that he’ll see him soon,. As if he’s plotting to come and kidnap my son. I made it clear to his moms that I would treat him like a stranger if he did.. Amber alerts and all and that she should let him know he don’t wanna give me a reason.

On Christmas, his mother tells me that he called there for my son and said ‘merry Christmas…I’m gonna whoop your ass when I see you”. When my son asked why, Lucifer told him it was because he had a smart mouth. What was so smart about my son’s mouth? In the conversation they had had prior, Lucifer told my son that he was gonna come get him in a few months and my son said he didn’t want to go with him.

Oh yea..and remeber that whole situation with my ex-sister?  Yea, well it seems that after Lucifer called her husband he somehow forgot about his reasoning for calling and pretty much let dude convince him that it was nothing and that my son was just a big baby and I had him spoiled. Dude also gave very false info about how I was alway sgoing out. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Not only did I not go ANY where when my son was with me, but often times I had my son AND my nephews. So where the fuck was I going????? Smch.

There was one more thing I wanted to add.....what....was...it.....????? Damn, I can't remember..screw it...I think that's enough for now anyway. WAIT I remember... I infiltrated his facebook page under an assumed name and found out that LUCIFER IS A MENTOR in the city I live in. There it was as his profile pic, him at a basketball court with a bunch of young boys. His caption read how kids are the future and need men to show them the way yada, yada, yada. Did I mention the date stamp on the pic was July 09...when my son was in  NC...and Lucifer came up here with his "fiance" for "business". So he left his actual kids in North Carolina where they had come to visit HIM, just so he could come to THEIR homes city and mentor youth??? WTF. When my son gets home I'm taking him to that mentoring program. Maybe he'll get Lucifer as a mentor and get to actually spend some quality time with the son of a bitch. Smch.

So yea….I hate that motherfucker.

***My aplogies for any typos, run-on sentences, etc...I was mad as hell writing this****

NIgga what?

One of my facebook friends posted a satus asking if we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger". As a person that uses the word excessively, I jumped in on the convo. The exchange is below.

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Enigma's facebook Friend: Today's word of the day: Nigger/nigga...... "also if its so bad [the word "nigger"]...why so many black people say whaddup mah nigga and give ME a pound"~ said by Ghee Munnie on I.b. Freeman's stat in which he asked "do people put too much emphasis on the word nigger??".3 hours ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Reynald:  they say[people give words power,but it seems we give it too much power.black folks are theones keeping the word alive,not whites.we keep it going but claiming we flip the meaning.why can we not let it go.

T Smith I think we s a ppl are all over the damn place & sensitive about everything that's why we have no real focus!

Dub Spot Simple- we don't all feel the same way about the word(s). I've heard white teens (15ish) on the upper west side callin each other "nigga" ...so it's not even a blk/hisp thing anymore....or a lower economic class thing.

Enigma's facebook Friend: hey, Reynald... i was just on youtube looking to see if "niggas to gods" was there... didn't find it, though :( we can't let it go because we don't see anything wrong with it til it comes out of the mouth of someone who isn't black.

Marc: It just depends on who says the world. Nigger is used 2b derogritory and we say nigga like it's a term of endearment. The same could b said about bitch. Women will flip if a man calls them a bitch but it's alright 4 her girlfriends 2 call her 1.

Shamaine: Yes ppl hop on the band wagon with such ignorance instead of researching what and where the word comes from! They use it and are just as ignorant as the ppl who use it derogatory!

Dub Spot:  Personally tho..I don't use the n word w/ my white friends...or non blk/non hisp friends...

Reynald : but i do,even if whites and others are using it,we live it the pain of the past and the disrspect of today,why do we need it and why can we not let it go.as far as focus,i try tto teach my young brothers and sisters to reach for thier growth in spiriit and intellect,butmy people areall over the place calling each other as well as themslves niggers/niggas and bitches. also if we were not using it making it fly would other groups/races.we are keeping the word alive.

Enigma Jones: I equate it to talkiing about ur family members. It's ok for you to bash your sister and say she ain't shit but if anyone else outside the fam...your spouse/ sig other included, agrees or says the same thing, it's a problem. lol I use the word nigga excessively. And what? I think people have more important things they need to focus on besides the different spellings/meanings/etc of the word. If it offends you, don't say it, but do not censor me or tell me how I'm holding "us" back just b/c I choose to use it.

Reynald @ENIGMA YOU AR RIGHT I TRY VERY HARD NOT TO USE IT,AND NEVER TELL OTHERS HOW TO SPEAK,BUT PEOPLE WILL PUT THIER BELIEF ON YOU WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOU JUST ASSUME ITS OKAY TO CALL ME AS A BLACK MAN ....NIGGER/NIGGA

Reynald @ eNIGMA'S FACEBOOK FRIEND NIGGAS TO GODS IS ON THE CD MRS BETTY'S SON 2005,MY FIRST CD.

 Enigma's facebook Friend:@ Raynald... i know. i downloaded it all to my computer. i was hoping it was on youtube, though, so i could post it here.

Reynald : SOON THAT WILL BE A OPTION,LASTLY AS A MENTOR TO THE YOUTH AS WE DEAL WITH SEROUS ISOIAL ISSUES,TO GET MY YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEE THIER SELVES AS THINKING,GODLY PEOPLE WE ARE TALKING TO KIDS THAT CALL THEMSELVES NIGGAS AND BITCHES AND THAT IS THE LEGACY WE PAST TO THEM.

Enigma Jones: I personally never understood using the word nigga as a term of endearment, but to each their own. I use the word when I see some real nigga-ish things happening and in the hood, it happens VERY often. But trust me, I know the difference between a man and a nigga/nigger (and a woman and a bitch.) Chris Rock said it best " I love black people, I hate niggas". Why is it that other racial groups can differentiate the good from the bad of their group, but if one set of black people do something ignorant ALL of us are branded for it? I wonder if any white person ever tried to bury the term "white trash" and I wonder if they are chastised when they use the term...

Reynald: @TRACEY NO WHITE TRASH IS CLASSISM,NIGGER IS RASCISM,BOTH INVENTED BY WHITES TO MAKE THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THIER FELLOW MAN,TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR.

Enigma Jones: The term was created by whites, but the people robbing. stealing and acting crazy in our communities look just like you and I.

Reynald: YES,AND WHEH WE TRY TO FIX IT AND MORE THAN THAT THOSE WHO ARE ACTING IRRESPONSIBLE IN OUR COMMUNITY ARE SELF PROCLAIMED NIGGERS AND BITCHES.SO IF WE TALK DIFFERENT WE WALK DIFFERENT.THE ISSUES IN OUR HOODS WERE CREATED BY BLACK AND WHITES,BUT ONLY BLACKS CAN FIX IT.NOT THE SO-CALLED NIGERS.

Enigma Jones: Exactly. Only we can fix it. Not by wagging our fingers because of the verbage some use, but by providing jobs, making sure our children stay in school, activities in our communities that keep kids of the street, parenting classes so that "home" is a more appealing concept to them, imaking it ok for us to feel like we can get counseling instead of looking to drugs/alcohol to ease our pain. Like I said before, we have bigger issues then the words we use. I don't think anyone using the word is unaware of its history. Kids use it because it's become a part of the culture for a certain age goup. Not because they hate themselves or because "the man" is making them. I think if we walk differently then we'll talk differently. How about we get right as far as education/jobs/housing/family/etc and then worry about what we choose to call ourselves.

Reynald: YOU ARE RIGHT,BUT FEEL BLACK FOLKS WHO LOVE THIER PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO USE IT AND ALSO SAY WE BLACKS KEEP IT ALIVE.THINKTHE REASON WE WILL NOT FIX ARE OWN HOODS IS FOLKS THAT FEEL THEY CAN'T AND WILL NOT INTERACT WITH NIGGERS.

Reynald: ALSO CAN WE SEE US UPLIFTING ONE ANOTHER AND MAKING MORE BUSSINESS,SCHOOLS AND SPIRITUAL LEGACY WHILE STILL CALLING OURSELVES NIGGERS.

Enigma Jones: I don't think using the word means you don't love your people. I love my people to the point of exhaustion. I've been volunteering in our communities for 14 years now and one thing I've realized is that some people REFUSE to do better..even when "better" is literally handed to them and all they have to do is show up. Some ppl give up on the hood because that is where most of the ppl that have given up reside and it takes more work and dedication and ALOT of disappointment. I truly understand not wanting to interact with niggers...but it has nothing to do with what they call themselves, it has to do with behaviour. You can call yourself whatever you like, but is the word you choose to use the reason you robbed my house, or stabbed my brother or raped my niece? No.

Enigma's facebook Friend:: yet, we all believe that it's possible to speak things into existence. from this standpoint, I can't see how our "merely using" the word doesn't have negative ramifications.

Tremaine: Ill start by saying I'm white. I grew up in an all black neigborhood. My cousins my best friend and my god daughter are all black. I've grown hearing the word millions of times and at no point in my life have I ever felt comfortable saying the word and I am almost as uncomfortable hearing it. I don't even like repeating it when singing along with a song. I understand that its not my word and it isn't exceptable at any time or place for me to say or use it

Enigma Jones: Enigma's facebook Friend: , I completely understand where you... you’re coming from but the reality is that it’s not even about “speaking into existence” anymore because the harsh reality is that our kids in lower income areas are already screwed and I just can’t subscribe to the notion that it was the use of the word that got them there. I use it and somehow I managed to graduate college, maintain steady employment, and raise a well-rounded, happy, nurtured child. My point is that I think we do put too much emphasis on the word. We have bigger issues that we as a people need to work on and while that word is ONE of them, I in no way believe it is the most important or warrants the attention that it gets.

What do you think readers, do we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger/Nigga"?

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
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Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...