Showing posts with label lookin' pa nub in all da wrong places. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lookin' pa nub in all da wrong places. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

So much has happened....

But the main part is:

They broke up for good. And in other news...

I'm definitely in love....I know....shocked the shit outta me too. :-/


Fuck!


Anywho, that;s all for now. I'll be back with more when I have a better idea of what the hell is going on right now....cause I honestly have no fucking clue. I've already told him* that we need to talk...and I plan on it being of the "where is this going" persuasion...so we'll see. After much nail biting, I've decided that I shall simply state the following:


"Yea, so....apparently I'm in love with you now.... so please take that into consideration when dealing with me from here on...and if you hurt me, I'll fuckin kill you."



Good, yes? lol


Toodles for now.....


*do I really need to say his name anymore?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Release....

Editor's Note: During our last conversation I kept hesitating. He told me to tell him what was on my mind. I asked him what the point would be. He told me so that I could get it off my chest. I told him I have other ways of releasing.....
                            



*************************************

Unholy thoughts in a moral mind.

Carnal desires fading with emotions on overdrive….



Fire…and…desire?!?!?!?


It wasn’t suppose to ever get to this.

Since the kiss with which it began was oh so innocent


Who….is….this?!?!?


How dare you creep into my mental!

With thoughts of “pink” and other sentimentals


Who….let…..you ….. in?!?!?!?!


Because I know it was not me….

Not with these bricks of ice shielding my person ever so strategically…


Leave….me….be?!?!?!


But baby wait….is there nothing I can do to stop you from going?

Oh yea….guess for a moment I let myself believe that this moment of ours was not one stolen.


I will….let….you….go?!?!?!?


Just please not right at this moment.
What say you we lay in this blanket of lust and sin…just until our final atonement…?



*sigh*



Yes, love….I…guess…you’re…right?!?!?



What needs to be done now is evident.

Our feelings at this point? Irrelevant.



And….just… to… think….




…and the tear it ended with?





Just…

As…

Unexpected….



 





Monday, June 28, 2010

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


his daughter is in the hospital right now and has been for the past two days with some sort of infection they detected in her urine right now she's getting all of these tests so they have to keep her there for most of the week Obama has been at the hospital most of the time and stayed there last night with his daughter's mother this morning he informed me that they had a long sit down and now he is cinfused and feels like he needs to try again to work things our with her for the sake of the chil I understand it and respecthim for it but given what he's tol dme about their relationship both pre and post chil I doubt if it will owrk he says he enjoys every minute with me and doesn"t want anything to change I told him I can"t go back to being what he does Friday nights after the club closes and he said he'd never expect me too I said well if your working on your family you should do away with the side pieces anyway He said I was never a sidepiece and was always more to him then that and he never meant for me to get hurt but he doesn"t want to drag me along in his shit Now I'm going to go to the river and hope the pain washes away with each wave i see...

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Friday, May 21, 2010

" I keep you happy"

Yesterday I was on the phone chatting it up with my fave friend*, "T” about Obama and were trying to decide if I should end it all with him or not. That morning he’d driven me to work and he was telling me how his “baby moms” (he never calls her his girl around me. As if that somehow makes me forget that I know that's what she is) had went thru his pockets a few weeks ago and found something in his pocket that she didn’t want in the house. We, he’d told me because it pertained to the topic we were discussing, so he wasn’t just talking about her to be talking about her. Nonetheless, all I could keep thinking is. ‘Why weren’t your pants on?”. That right there just let’s me know for certain that shit has gone too far.

‘T” and I decided that I would just tell him not to bring her up around me a gain at all, and then I’ll just be cool with shit as it is. I really can’t complain everything’s kosher, two thumbs up, Ebert and Roeper**. I’ll just enjoy it for now and chill the fuck out.

He stayed over last night and this morning we were sitting around talking and watching tv before work and we were talking about an event that I’m going to this weekend. He asked me if I was taking a date with this hurt look on his face and I told him no. He said he’d want to go with me if I asked him but that he would have to double check his schedule and make sure he wouldn’t have his daughter. When he said that, I went into my usual “I-didn’t-sign-on-for-this-shit” speech that I give him whenever he can’t do what I want him too (which isn’t too often, but he and I agree that I deserve to bitch when I want since he gets to live a double life-drama free)

But while we were talking, he said something so simple, yet dead-on that made me really sit back, think, and shut the fuck up***: “I keep you happy” . And he does. I see him enough so that I don’t feel neglected (not since his week-long hiatus and the subsequent presentation of my “You-know-I-don’t-play,-I’ll-drop-off-the-face-of-the -Earth-on-your-ass-if-you-start-acting-fucked-up” speech). But we also give each other enough space so that when we do see each other, we’re usually missing one another’s company so much that things are usually very…mushy when get in the same room.

I can totally co-sign that he makes me happy. And I have decided, that’s more than enough for me.

\
The ways in which the universe works is amazing. This was the first song that came on went I opened up Pandora this morning:




*I’ve stopped calling her my best friend b/c that is misleading. She kinda sucks as a friend sometimes but I love her and she is my FAVORITE friend as I prefer her company of almost anyone else’s.
**Drake- "Over"
***I don't usually do this- EVER lol

Friday, May 14, 2010

Oh, Obama..... *sigh*

Nothing too new to update other than the fact that Obama still has me all kinds of confustrated.

I've been telling my homie that I need an interventon to help get me off this nigga because things are just getting worse better? worse. Not that anything bad has happened, in fact, it's just the opposite. Like him staying the night at my house at least two nights week now. Or that the sex has somehow gotten even better (I think that's due to a feeling or two creeping in, hence the worse/better confusion). Not only that but it would appear that he talks about me- ALOT to the people around him. Like last night he called his sister to remind her that the Cavs were playing and I heard him tell her that he was at my house. Not "this chick's house" or "my people's house"- he said my name and she knew exactly who he was talking about. Now even though I've met her before, it was ONE time MONTHS ago and I don't even remember her name. In fact, I don't recall us being properly introduced at all with names and stuff...

Anywho...not only did she know exactly who I was when he said my name, but she asked when I was having my homewarming party- yea, I haven't seen or spoken to her since I moved and especially not about a housewarming that I haven't even finalized plans for yet, but I have spoken to Obama about it....

We headed out to pick up some food after the game and I told him to drive because I was intoxicated. He noticed the car shaking a lil while he was driving and told me how he has a bunch of friends that are mechanics and would have one of them check it out. First he calls his cousin (who used to work with my dad and dated my sister and actually drove me {along with my sister}3 hours away to start college a few years back) and told him that he needed to know what dude would charge him to do the work. I guess his cousin asked if the work was for Obama's car and he said no it's for Enigma. Then Obama laughed and blushed at whatever ole boy said and then handed me the phone. I'm thinking dude is gionna ask me about the car, but instead he says "What you doing to my lil cousin yo?" and laughed. I asked him what he meant and he told me Obama's been acting "weird" since he and I linked back up. After talking for a lil while I realized who the cousin was. He laughed even harder when he realized I was his ex's lil sister and said "Yea, now I know that nigga in trouble fuckin around wit you." (not in a bad way- more like he assumes good-good runs in my family and Obama stands no chance against the powers of the p----)

Anyway, my point is that shit is feeling very not sidepieceish and I'm scared. Yes, I said it, I'm scared. I want to stop myself for falling for this dude but it's getting very hard. Every since the last time he went ghost on me, he's been on his best behavior with me. In fact, while I'm at work right now, he's off getting my car fixed and will be picking me up later.


This isn't feeling so casual anymore (to me anyway) ... :-/

*Sigh*

I blame ya'll...yea all of you readers who saw this coming and didn't try to remind me that chicks suck at seperating heart from lady parts. You guys suck.

Ok, I'm sorry...that was mean. you guys actually rock...I suck...haha...speaking of which...I'd sent Obama a text yesterday that said "U suck" and his repsonse was "U suck better." Stupid, I know, but it had me giggling all day.

Another pointless blog...don't say I never did anything to make your Friday go by just a tad bit quicker, mmkay?

Tata for now..


Oh wait- one more thing-

The other day I'd just gotten off of work and was running in the store real quick to get a paper when this dude tried to holla. He looked cute enough and his aproach was good enough (very respectful... and he called me gorgeous and I'm kinda shallow) so I was gonna give him my number. That is until his boy got out the car and started making his way to us. First dude lurked around on the passenger side of my car (me and the dude tryna holla were standing near the driver's side) His boy slowly made his way around the car until he was standing right next to us. I had given dude all but the last two digits of my number when his dude says in a low voice "You like threesomes?" I looked at him, then back at his boy who was still waiting for the last two digits of my number and chalked dueces to them both. The hell????? Is that what's acceptable these days?? I could see if I was at the bar and heard this...but in mid afternoon, still in my work gear and not a drink in site nor a bar table to dance on and this is what dudes think is ok to say to a lady?? And dude tryna holla didn't even attempt to check his boy, if not to defend the honor of a lady then AT LEAST for the biggest cockblock of the century.

So yea, I'm a lesbian now. 

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Obama Mania?

Ok, So I'm not in love with Obama, but for a minute there he was blurring the lines. I actually had to pull back from him and go awhile without seeing him because I felt like he was trying to confuse me. How you ask? Well it started one night when we were at my house watching a movie. My friends were going out and I had chose to stay in with Obama so that I could get me some. (yea, I said it).

Well, after a drink or two, I started feeling seeeeeexy (beyonce voice) and I went to to the bathroom only to descover that my "Auntie" had arrived two days early. I came out of the bathroom extremely upset. Like stomping-my-feet-and-yelling, "This is BULLSHIT" -upset. He asked what was wrong and like a big baby I told him I'd started my period and poked out my lip and said "I never get to have sex" (Yes, "Dramatic" is my middle name) and pouted even harder. He stood up, looked in my eyes, caressed my cheek with his thumb, kissed my forehead and said, "I don't come over here for sex, I come over for you, silly" and laughed.

Now in that split second, I loved him. I loved him with all of my heart and I thanked God for sending him my way. Then I remembered that he wasn't mine and I started to walk around the house finding something to where. He saw this and asked if I was going out and I said yea. He reponded with just an, "Oh." and got quiet. So I went over to him, hugged him and said, "Why, you wanna stay here and cuddle and talk about our feelings instead?" And laughed. I think I actualluy hurt his feelings because he didn't even respond, he just finished smoking, watched me transfrom from "sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make-up on" to 'Party, party, party, let's all get wasted" and then waited outside with me until "T" came to pick  me up. Looking back, I know he was sitting there liek WTF?!? but dude....c'mon....let's not make this something its not and could never be. Not only are you in a relationship that includes a newborn, but you've succeeded in letting me kno wthat I could NEVER trust you. It is what it is.*kanye shrug*

Now had I gotten sucked into whatever it was he was doing, I'd be in a clusterfuck of emotions right now. Especially considering how he doted on me after my dad passed. He called me numerous times a day, everyday to check on me and would ask me if I wanted company because he "couldn't handle thinking about me at home alone". I declined and made sure I only saw him on the weekends and only on Friday or Saturday. Never both and never more than that.

The last time we slept together he was saying relationshipy stuff like, "You missed Daddy, didn't you" and "This ___got my name all over it don't it?". Now, I think the reason for this was from him realizing that he's the only person I've been sleeping with and it going to his head. But still...his ass needs to get focused before I fall in love and ish becomes a problem. *sigh*

It also doesn't help that he comes in replacing lightbulbs and whatnot and taking out garbage and stuffs. He even mentioned something about moving into a studio apartment (which I ignored). All I know is he needs to get focused and remember what this is: A jumpoff situation. I'll do my part to make sure ish don't get out of hand, but I'mma really need him to get it together.

I think it would be easier for me if he wasn't someone that I would deal with on another level, but he is. When we first started talking, a few years ago, I put him in the potential boo category- which is why it took me so long to sleep with him back then. The fact that I genuinely like him is a problem- which is why I need for someone else to take up my time so that I don't get caught up into he and I too much.

*sigh* and smh  



I know, I know...I could just stop sleeping with and seeing him, right? But really, what's the fun in that??? Plus the sex is soooooooooo good. So. Good.



Monday, March 22, 2010

These are my confessions...

I miss Mr. Big. {check the labels with his name to get caught up if you ned to. I'm way too high to link shit right now.}

I'm tired of being single. Nah, fuck that. Since this is confession time, let me word it as I feel it: I'M LONELY! :(

I realize the the way I'm dealing with my father's death is by worrying about my mother. It's like I don't ever really relax b/c I convince myself that she needs me. So I'm back and forth at her house all week. Yep, maybe it's that me saying I don't want her to be by herself is also me saying I don't want to be by myself..

I'm pretty high right now.

I'm also pretty high. As in I look pretty when I'm under the influence. Conceited? Yes. So?

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Introducing: Sweet Black Pipe {and Big Sexy}


Hey, hey, hey everyone. I know I had made an entire list of blogs that I needed to write. But since my blogging time seems to be limited, they'll hav eto be spaced apart instead of the onslaught of 5/6 at a time like I wante dto do.


So first things first, like I mentioned before, my dad (stepfather of 25 yrs) passed away on February 23rd. It happened so suddenly that I don't think I'll ever really come to grips with it. For right now I'm managing. I feel like I've been on auto-pilot since that night- I notice that if I watch a tv show on my DVR, I have to go back and watch it again because somehow, though I thought I was giving it my full attention, I somehow missed chunks of the show.IDK. I have an entire blog that I want to write but not now...I'm just not ready yet.



Moving on to a lighter subject...MENS!!!



So I met a new dude, "Sweet Black Pipe". (explanation of the name coming shortly) I met him at the hole-in-the-wall bar that my friends and I like to go to. I'd seen him a few times in there talking to one of my friends, but never really paid much attention to him. A few weeks ago, I noticed him looking at me and we had a nice, flirty convo (that included me grabbing on his chest and his huge arms in a semi-drunken daze) that went no where. The weekend after that, my friends took me out for shots to toast my dad whom they all knew and loved, at that same bar. This time even tho I saw Sweet Black Pipe in there, he and I didn't talk much. I did, however, began talking to another dude and gave him my number. We shall call this dude Big Sexy cause, well...he is. We had a really good convo and I actually looked forward to hearing from him. That was on a Friday. Fast forward to the morning of the following Friday at approximately 7:34 am and Big Sexy texts me a msg "Good morning gorgeous". This is Big Sexy from the bar. Remember me?" I text him back, "Yea, thought you'd forgotten about me" or something to that effect, and got no response. That night we go back to the bar and he's in there...and so is Sweet Black Pipe.


This time I notice that the two of them know each other as they spend most of the night talking. I had already made up my mind that Big Sexy would get no play from me since he waited so long to use my number, didn't respond to my text and then barely acknowledged me when he saw me at the bar that night. Coincidently Sweet Black Pipe was impressing more and more. He not only gave up his seat at the packed bar, but made another man get up so my friend and I could sit together as well. So he and I begin taking and he tells me that his cousin is interested in me as well. Confused I ask who and lo and behold his cousin, his so-close-they're-damn-near-brothers cousin is none other then Big Sexy. Never one to like confusion or too much drama, I immediately tell him that I'd given dude my number but he'd blown it and I tell him how Big Sexy blew it so that he would not make the same mistake. Sweet Black Pipe and I continue talking and we seem to be impressing each other more and more. At one point during our intimate chat, I hear a booming voice call my name. I look over and it's Big Sexy. I give him the "what up?" head nod and he booms something else. I say "Huh?" since we're right next to the jukebox and the music is blaring. He puts up his arms, says something else and then nods his head and says (what I assume is ) "Aiight". Meanwhile, Sweet Black Pipe gets me and my friend another drink. Now, under normal circumstances, I would feel some type of way about the situation b/c from the outside looking in, I could be looking like a certified scrag*. However, I'd already had it in my head that Big Sexy was not the right fit for me. Aside from his apparent lack of attention to my needs (I need attention, lots and lots of attention), he had been cutting up in the bar all night- singing all loud and drawing attention to himself. Call it what you want, but I'm the only attention whore allowed in my male/female relationships. Apparent cries for attention is just unsexy in my book, especially from men.


Anywho, when I knew me and my girl were about to head out to the next bar, I wrote my number on a napkin with the full intent on giving it to Sweet Black Pipe on my way out, if he asked. If not, then he too would have blown it with me. So, we gather our things and make our way past him to the door, he stops me and hands me his cell to enter my number. I hand him the napkin and tell him to keep up and make my exit. He texts me two hours later asking if me and my girl were good. I tell him yea and that I'll call him when I got home so that we could sit on the phone and have a drunken convo. (yea, ya girl was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up by that point). Of course I get home and immediately pass out. lol


The next morning, I get a text from Sweet Black Pipe asking if I'd like breakfast and that he's a great cook. Still a lil queasy but wanting to see him I say yea and that I'll come to him (Oh yea, I inherited my dad's car. God really has jokes when it comes to me. Like, "Oh, you want a car bitch? Ok.") SMH.


Anyway, I tell him I'd like corned beef hash and eggs and that I'll be there in an hour. I get casual cute and get to his house right on time. While we're eating we interview one another which is when this convo took place:

ME: So...your a plumber?

SBP: (smiling and showing his straight pearly whites) Yes, I lay pipe

ME *blush*: Oh really?

SBP: Yes, Sweet. Black. Pipe.



If he didn't have my interest before that, TRUST he had it from then on. lol

We eat, watch a gory movie on Syfy and I head out. I see him that night at the same bar and we acknowledge each other but don't talk too much. The next morning he texts me asking if I was up and moving stuff yet and if I needed help . ( I had told him that my couch was being delivered and since I'd been sleeping on my bed in the living room and my still-unpacked boxes were taking up the space in my bedroom, I had a lot of moving to do before the delivery men came at 10 with my couch.) I tell him yes and for him to give me about fifteen minutes to "get pretty". He gets there in 20 and does everything by himself and tells me to sit down. Less than ten minutes after he gets everything situated, the delivery guys ring the bell. IDk what I would have done without him considering how hungover I was. lol


Now, if you remember the post before last, I seemed a lil unsure of SBP. Well here's why. I didn't speak to or hear from him for the entire week following that. He'd text me that day (Sunday). But a text I'd sent during the week asking how work was going went unresponded (shut up, it's a word now lol). I spent all week acting like I was auditioning for the sequel to "He's Just Not That Into You"- asking my friends why he didn't call and going over our convos to try to figure out if it was something I said. Then I remembered that Big Sexy had text me "Good morning" on Monday at 6:57am and figured that maybe Sweet Pipe was stepping aside. (never responded to Big Sexy btw . Another strike for him was the times he did text me. A text to a girl you just met b4 12 on a weekday? Who does that???).


That was until Sweet Black Pipe text me on Friday saying it was rainy and asking if I wanted to lay up. I had plans with Obama already so I declined but told him I'd catch up with him Saturday. He tells me he wants me to fry him some chicken and I agree. Saturday he comes with trees and beer in tow and I fry up some chicken and we watch a Lifetime movie. Things get a lil hot and heavy by accident and he ends up getting a taste, but I nip it in the bud before it gets too far and we agree that cuddling is dangerous. lol That night I see him at the bar and he pretty much ignores me as he and Big Sexy play pool. The next afternoon he texts me that "dinner is ready. Let me know when you ready to eat" I tell him 3-ish and he say it'll be best if I come to him. I do and he's hooked up mac n cheese, cabbage and baked turkey chops and steak. We eat and watch the Cavs vs. Celtics game and I get to stepping. Before I leave I say "so I guess I wont be hearing from you this week." to which he replies "It is what it is" and laughs.

That phrase fucks with me b/c I know when I say it, I'm pretty much saying, 'This is how shit is right now, either get down with it or step the fuck off". He'd explained that he works long hours during the week and that's why I don't really hear from him. That's all fine and good, just as long as he knows all of my cookies stay n the jar until he gets a better schedule for me. I NEED ATTENTION DAMMIT. and who work so hard that they can't even send a text AT ALL throughout the week???


Now yes, he has told me that he has "friends" but no significant other, and has been sex-less for almost two months and that he lives alone and I am always welcome to come by. I kinda feel like he's trying to carry me with the whole 'It is what it is" line, but then again, why give me an open invite to his crib and let me know he's damn near always there? IDK. But what I DO know is no drawers shall he get until I get more time. Until then, I'll enjoy my (weekend) personal chef.

BTW: He's about 5"11, very well toned body, chocolate, nice smile, smells good, HUGE arms, doesn't mind watching Lifetime movies, worked as a chef for quite a few years and has been a plumber for the last twenty. Oh yea...and he's 45, but does not look a day over 35.  Plus, he's a ornball, which is good considering I have put myself in Thug Rehab. And apparently has sweet black pipe....


Anyway...what say you regarding this being MIA (M-F) bull and the subsequent "It is what it is" .  Am I missing something here????



* I learned this from my 14 yr old niece a few weeks ago. Apparently, a Scrag (n.) - is one who encompasses all of the characteristics of a jerk, whore, bitch, slut, and genuinely horrible person. Can be either male or female.

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest


**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
***************************************

Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?


Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.


Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.


 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.


And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...








*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...

Monday, October 26, 2009

Fin.


So "The Killer" and I are done. I saw him yesterday and he lied to me about something really minor. I'm old enough and wise enough to know that when dudes lie about minor shit, it's usually to cover up major shit. I don't have the time, energy or patience.





Him lying in conjunction with how "us" have been lately ...yea, I'm deciding to throw in the towel now- when I'm confident I can do so without breaking down from it. I can get over him quick right now because shit's been off for a few weeks anyway and I've been putting the ice blocks around my heart(that he'd melted) back up slowly since it started mentally preparing to have to get over him. The fortress is almost fully rebuilt, my friends, let us rejoice and be glad in it.





There's no doubt in my mind that there's someone else, and I'm not sitting around while he plays us both. Nope, she wins the loser, not I. What was the lie you ask? He popped up with a new car out of nowhere...then proceeded to wash and wax that bitch with me sitting in it. One thing "The Killer" is definitely not is anyone's stunt dummy so I knew it wasn't "his boy's" as he had told me the night before when he'd said he'd come get me and I declined. I asked him who's car it was this time (assuming it was the same car from the night before, "his boys'" and he instead said it was a rental. Ummm....rental car keys don't usually have price cards for Stop and Shop and Shoprite on the keyring. Fuck I look like believing that bullshit??? Further investigation revealed a registration with a chick's name on it. A name that I'd heard in passing before while he and I were on the phone and one of his nephews asked him where Prada (his dog) was. He responded at "N***'s house". I ignored it then because N*** could have been a number of females in his family. And, to be all the way real , he was never my man, nr I his girl and if we started sharing stories of how many other people we were dealing with besides each other, I'm sure my numbers would have matched his. *kanye shrug* Hey, we were never a couple.





But if that was the case, and N*** was a family member (as I'd assumed originally), why blatantly lie to my face??? So after I see the registration, I ask him how long he's had the "rental" he tells me a few days and he and his brother have been sharing it...and he has it until Tuesday or Wednesday....oh so you just gonna keep on lying right to my face, huh? Ok, cool.





I let him know that I wasn't buying it and he tried to flip shit and get mad on some "If it was some chick car I'd just tell you blah blah bah." Whoa...who said anything about a chick? lol Dude, please stop trying to convince yourself that you're "that Dude". You know, the guy that will tell chicks shit straight up because he knows he's doing shit on the up and up and he's not trying to play with any one's feelings. You. Are. Not. Him. You are a snake. Period.





I can't be with someone that can look me dead in my eye and lie to me. Crazy thing is, it's not the being lied to part that fucks with me as much as it the insulting my intelligence part. Don't do that. Two things I've never been called in my entire life is stupid and ugly. Please don't take my intelligence for granted and please don't have me waste my pretty on you. I'm done letting "The Killer" do both.








On to the next one.








Sorry boys, the bitch is back.





Coming up...."Introducing "Victim #1" aka "Enigma's New Boytoy"...yea....

Monday, October 12, 2009

Now ain't this 'bout a ...


Following are random babblings from an extremely drunk, fed up chick..... (Don't judge me fu**ers)...



Next month marks one full year since I began my relationship with "The Chief". Since then I have been dependent on others to get me lifted. First it was Mr. Big, then it was "OG"(whom I haven't spoken to or heard from since we had an incident back in May *tee hee* another day, another day...), occasionally it would be my partner-in-crime and then it was The Killer. Whomever it was that bought "The Chief" and I together, it was never me just going to my local corner pharmacist and getting it myself. Now that all of the previously mentioned people are either dead to me or determined to stay in the house until she cops a new whip (I hate her for that by the way), I am doomed to go without. Fu**ed up thing is, when I didn't partake, EVERYone around me did and I was always the odd man out. Now that I DO get down, it seems like those I surround myself with either have to stay clean for some job or are trying to be "responsible" WTF?! This brings me to my next point...

I'm a backwards ass.... When my friends were out wildin' a few years back, I was at home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, having "movie nights" watching all four seasons of "Dinasaurs" and helping the kid with his homework. Now that I have myself an entire school year off (the kid is a few states away staying with his paternal grandparent - long story), I find myself left to pAAArty alone. Even my partner-in-crime who, despite having a child way earlier than I, had a moms who didn't mind being her enabler and damn near raising her daughter for her (again, a long story). Anyway, even she is now at home doing the single mom thing (now with a whole new second baby that needs her attention.) All I wanna know is, when the hell did everybody grow up??? Is it so wrong that I wish she would be an irresponsible, neglecting f**k up for just one more year so we can run the streets together??? I don't wanna always have to depend on my flavor of the month to keep my nights occupied.I wanna party with my girls (the other ones are working non stop and/or boo'd up or pregnant) Ugggh. We can never all be in sync. Ain't that some old bullsh*t?!?!?!? I've only got another two good years to blame my reckless behavior on my twenties and only one of those will be without my baby's ever-impressionable eyes a'watchin" lol I NEED TO BE GETTING IT IN DAMMIIT!!! Too bad I'm not a people person, I'd have me a whole new crew of young chicks with no responsibilities what so ever to help me drain the bars and tease the boys. Speaking of boys...

The Killer has lost his ever loving mind. He's losing focus, so I've been backing off to teach him a lesson. Once he notices, I'm sure he'll get it together... lol (ok, that was a joke, but , truth be told, dude is the sole reason why I'm 3 sheets to the wind right now. I'll supply details later...if things get better with us...if not, I'll just never mention his a*s again. *Kanye shrug* That's how it be's sometimes...which leaves me no choice but to recognize the fact that....

I've noticed that I only like a guy if I have to do the chasing. I've had three guys recently damn near profess their undying love to me and I kinda just gave them the gas face and laughed. I really need to get over this issue that I have. Like if a guys comes on extra strong, I automatically assume he's out to get me because (I guess) I don't think I'm worthy enough to have them genuinely want me that much? Which is really kinda weird considering I happen to be one of the most conceited people I know...weird...just one more thing to be worked out in therapy, I guess ( when I can afford it, that is). Which reminds me...

I got a raise at work...not what I asked for, but a raise nonetheless..so Whoohoo?!? I'd say I'm in what they call the "golden handcuffs". I want to leave (ONLY b/c this is not the field I want to work in and I see no real room for growth.The job itself is just fine tho), yet I make just enough to keep me satisfied plus its so damned convenient. I may stay until I'm done with my Masters. We'll see...

My urge to "Chief" was so strong earlier that I literally wanted to cry. CRY. I won't go so far as to say I'm an addicted, but damned if I ain't headed in that direction. And it's not just the "high" part that I wanted. I longed to lick the blunt wrapper and roll up...wtf??? I know... *hangs head in shame while looking out the corner of my eye to see if anyone pulls out a bag out of pity for me* Which brings me to my next point....

Drug dealers suck!!!. I'm just saying, if you gonna sell D. Ruggs then sell D. Ruggs dammit. So tired of all this "I don't sell after 8pm" or "Call me back at whatever time". N*gga, you are a drug dealer...deal the fu*king drugs already!!! Smch

I think I may finally be sleepy... thank you Paul Masson!

'Nite people!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Introducing: "Pookie" (A Teenage Love affair) Pt. Deux



I would like to re-write history and say that it took me a long time to get over "Pookie", but that just wouldn't be right. In reality, more so than any other emotion, I can vividly recall the extreme anger I felt. I think the main reason for me not being sad per se was because he was honest with me. In fact, sad as it is, I think he was THE ONLY man to ever be straight up with me and tell me to my face that he was leaving me for another woman. All of the others lied until I caught them with their dick in the cookie jar. I still had my in-school boo and I adjusted to not walking those 20 blocks much sooner than I even thought I would. I think the hardest part was knowing that Kat was still going up there and trying to find things to occupy my time while she was gone. (because I REFUSED to go back up there and risk seeing him.)
A few months went by and in that time I met a new dude. He wasn't that cute and he was dumber than a box of marbles, but he had a car, and I had places to go, so we worked out well. I didn't feel bad for using him for his whip because I knew that he was only trying to use me for sex. I held him off for as long as I could until the little girl lost in me said 'What the fuck is the point of holding out???' so I slept with him, it sucked and I didn't do it again. It seemed like after I realized the dick was trash, not even his shiny white car could keep my attention focused on him anymore. I started plotting how I'd break up with him and end our 2 month "relationship".
As if on cue, I received a call out of the blue from "Pookie" on day. He said that he had badgered Kat for my number because he missed me so much and wanted to get back together. When I questioned him about Dominique, he said that she was in NY staying with relatives for the summer and that she "knew what time it was" and wasn't returning any of his calls because she knew he was ready to break up with her.


Uh oh.... five o'clock... you know what that means... *pshooooooom*
To be continued....

Introducing: "Pookie" (A Teenage Love affair)





When I was in the seventh grade, my best friend at the time. "Kat" (who was two yrs my senior) had just gotten re-acquainted with her estranged dad and discovered that she had an older sister that lived in the same city as us. Let me say here that I was about 4 months shy of turning 13 around this time. I had lost both my virginity and my dad within the previous year, just months apart (another story for another day) I hadn't had sex since my first time, but that didn't stop me from being a boy crazy, hot-tailed little girl. I'm the baby of the family and was a fairly good kid. My older sisters were all out on their own and doing their own thing and my mom saw this as her opportunity to take a rest since I required minimal guidance (or so it appeared). I was living the good life- my sister made sure I stayed fresh, had spending money in my pocket and saw the latest movies and my mom made sure my room was fully equipped and the envy of my less-fortunate friends. As long as my grades stayed above average and i made curfew (which I didn't always manage to do), my mom gave me little to no boundaries.


Anywho, Kat and Oldersister developed a relationship and before long "Kat" and I were taking the approximately 20 block walk from our hood to visit "Kat's" older sister. At first it was just because we didn't have anything else to do and we knew that Kat's older sister would entertain us with stories of her live-in boyfriend and his crazy as friends. But, after a few weeks of us taking that daily trek after school and on weekends, we discovered an even better reason to make that block our second home...those crazy ass friends!!!. When I tell you that group was a preteen, boy-crazy girl's dream, I tell you all no lie. There were about six of them total and they were fione in their own right.

Live-In (about 26)- This was older sister's boyfriend and babydaddy. He was a cutie, but obviously off limits and a real family man, so we didn't see him much so we'll by right pass him to his little brother...

GreenEyes (about 17-18) - GreenEyes was Live-In's younger brother that lived right next door with the rest of Live-In's family. There family rolled deep... I think they had about 6 younger siblings, all extremely light and all with those green eyes. GreenEyes was probably the finest out of the whole crazy ass crew but that nigga was nuts. He once threw one of our friends down a flight of stairs for no reason at all, and tried to push my off of the side of a porch one day. (I was saved by his best friend and my boo, but still, he tried!!!). I quickly learned to stay clear of him an my boo let it be known that I was off limits as far as his antics.

Pookie *this was my actual pet name for him at the time* (about 18-19)- He was GreenEyes' best friend and lived in the apartment right next to Oldersister and Live-In. He was brown skin, about 6ft and had the sexiest, juiciest lips my 12 year old eyes had ever seen. He was more laid back than the rest of the crew and that intrigued me. It was not unusual for him to sit on the porch and shake his head as his friends showed their asses all up and down the block. You could tell that he was more mature than the rest of them and that probably had alot to do with the things he'd been thru in his young life. a life I didn't know much about save the knowledge that he was living with his Aunt and cousins because he'd "gotten in trouble". On maybe my second or third trip up to the block with Kat, he let the others know that he had his eye on me and made it his mission to make me his. It didn't take long for him to succeed.

Mooney (about 16-17)- He was Pookie's cousin and the silly one of the bunch, probably b/c he was the youngest. Mooney looked like his dad was Native American or something, his skin was a beautiful red tinted brown and he had the softest curliest jet black hair I had every seen on a black man. If he was around then we knew it wouldn't be long before our stomachs and cheeks were hurting from laughing so much. He and "Kat" soon developed a romance.

Black (about 21-22??)- Black was the OG of the group and in my personal opinion the cutest. He didn't even live on the block anymore, but came around every once in awhile just to remind folks that it was still his hood. lol Whenever he came thru, he and Mooney would keep us in stitches

There were a few others that dwindled in and out, but that was the core group of guys that Kat and I had in mind as we walk those 20 or so blocks every day. For the most part it was just the two of us going up there, but we had a few other girlfriends who would join us every now and then hoping to snag an older boo of their own.

Pookie and I developed a "relationship" that lasted about 4 months before things fell apart. I put the word relationship in quotes because it really only consisted of me going up there daily to see him and us hugging and laughing and kissing and chilling for a few hours each day. If I didn't go up there, I didn't see him. We didn't talk on the phone and there was no way his old ass was coming near my hood where an adult might catch wind of our torrid love affair. Plus, I had my in-school boo and I'm almost positive that he had other chicks too. . . especially since he and I never had sex and he never made it much of an issue.

Everything was fine until I walked up there by myself to see him one day and he invited me into the house. This in itself was weird as usually we spent out time together in the park down the street because his house was always crowded. Anywho, I go into the bedroom and there's a girl sitting on his bed. He tells me to have a seat and proceeds to tell me that the girl is Dominique, his new girlfriend. He said she was "there for him" and that he was sorry, yada, yada, yada. I storm out and he follows me to the front door. He tries to stop me from leaving so that he can apologize. He tells me he didn't mean to hurt me. I ask him "How long?". He tells me "About two weeks". I roll my eyes and punch his chest. I had just seen him two days ago and he was all over me, telling me how much he cared. I say "Well I'm sure you could have did something besides hugging and kissing all over me" and I leave out, slamming the door behind me.


Little did I know that that would not be my last time seeing him...nor would it be my last time losing him...








To be continued....