It's been a year since we began this love affair....

...and I have never in my life been more in love.



xoxo

EJ

And now....

Words cannot even begin to describe how relieved I was when I saw him sitting there. So much so, that the next morning he couldn't stop asking me what had gotten into me the night before because I was apparently so "enthusiastic" when we'd made love the night before *blush*. When I told him that I was just happy to see him he just looked at me, smiled, shook his head and told me I didn't have anything to worry about.

Sadly, I still wasn't convinced.

The realization that I was even more anxious about losing him than I'd originally thought hit me when he denied me sex one morning this week. We had just made love a few hrs prior, right before we fell asleep and we both had busy schedules for the day. (We both had to go to work and he had a b-ball game that night). He said he didn't want to be tired all day and have weak legs at the game. Even though I understood where he was coming from - we do go pretty hard. Now, I'm no fan of being denied some good-good, especially in-house good-good. So yes, I again I began to pout (yes, I am aware that my pouting has become a problem.

Then I realized why I was always tying to jump his bones - even when I was either tired myself or, still sore from our last session. In my head, I had to stock up on the peen, because I didn't know how long I'd have it. I told him my theory on how I was traumatized from him going back home before. I told him I felt like shell-shocked veteran that randomly caught flashbacks of their time at was. He didn't laugh and wave my paranoia off this time. Instead, he asked me what more could he do to show me that he wasn't going anywhere and  that I had nothing to worry about besides doing exactly what he's been doing, being there.

I told him that he was doing everything I could think of already and that the issue was with me and I would get it under control.

I'm working on it... 

Just when I thought it was safe to exhale...

Our talk had worked wonders for my new-found insecurity issues. But that was short-lived. On Monday when he picked me up from work, Obama informed me that he would drop me off and see me later because he was going to go sit with his daughter until she went to sleep because she wasn't feeling well.

.....

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Yea...about as long as it took you to scroll down is about as long as it took me to manage to say chhoke out a soft "Ok, babe" in response. Hours later my son was in bed and Obama was still gone. Even though it couldn't have been more than 3 hrs or so that had passed, I had already admitted defeat. As far as I was concerned, they had talked and patched up their relationship in hour two (because hour one was all about the baby) and now, hour three, they were sweating up the sheets. I had a drink and let the alcohol put me to sleep. When I woke up a short time later, I was facing my couch cushions. I could hear the television on, but no movement, no Obama. I was about to go into a crying fit and destroy all my own shit (ladies why DO we do that in movies? lol) when I heard, "Hey sleepyhead. You looked so tired I didn't want to wake you up.."

I turned around and there he was, in his drawers, playing X-box, bear in hand, chilling, at "home" (where his heart is).

Side-piece side effects

Even after hearing him say that I was perfect for him, I diddn't really process what he was telling me. I still expected him to get up and leave after a few hours. I still expected to NOT see him until the following weekend. In fact, I expected him to be like alot of guys I've encountered and just come tell me what he figured I wanted to hear and continue to do the same here-one-day-home-the-next bullish that he had been doing.

He sure fooled me.

Not only did he stay that night, but we got into a daily routine that always ended with me in his arms. He would go and see his daughter daily, and every time I would wait for the call saying he wouldn't be back tonight or that he'd catch up with me Saturday or something.

Truth is - I'm traumatized after losing him just when I'd made the decision to stop being apprehensive about my feelings for him. I notice that I'm uneasy around him sometimes because I don't know how to just be around him. My feelings are so strong and I am sooo certain about them that I'm frightened by my own emotions. Emotions I didn't even think I could have after the way my saga with Mr. Big  ended. Which is one of the main reasons why I truly thought that I could have a fling with Obama and not get attached. As far as I was concerned, my heart was something to help me stay alive, no longer something to make me feel.

But he slipped in. And now I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid of feeling all of the hurt and pain I felt after losing* Mr. Big.

However, things seem to be different this time around on the rollercoaster that is love.

This time around, I have been blessed enough to fall in love with a man that not only has no problem with discussing his feelings, but that initiates the discussion to boot! All of last week, I could not stop the anxiety over losing him again from smothering me. I kept trying to figure out in my head how long he'd stay in really silly ways ("Let's see.... they broke up a month ago and last time they were broken up for two weeks, but a whole month before that...so maybe I'll have at least another week or so of this...")

It really was getting to me and apparently, it showed. He started saying that I was being mean to him (not mean "mean", but popping shit a tad more than usual). I thought about it and realized that I was so pre-occupied with trying to determine how long before he would leave, that I stopped putting in all of the effort I once had to have him wanting to stay. I think somewhere in my mind, I shut down when shit got real with us. Again, my behavior change wasn't anything major, just little things... like me pouting on Friday when he told me he was going out. Not because I was afraid he would cheat, not because he hadn't spent quality time with me (and my son) during the week, but because I was just being a brat. *shrugs*

And instead of going out, he stayed with me and made it a blockbuster night. But even while he was sitting on my couch, holding me in his arms as we watched the movie, I still pouted at the mere fact that he'd even thought about leaving me (for the night). Even then, he kissed my pouty face, laughed, and told me to stop being a meanie. When that didn't work he yelled, "Yo, you got me already, don't start the bullshit now!!" all the time laughing and trying to kiss my face that I was busy trying to bury under his arm from embarrassment. He was totally right. I was fucking tripping. lol

The next morning I rolled over and he was right there. Wide awake. He grabbed me in his arms and layed my head on his chest and just started talking.

The first thing he said to me was that since the time he realized that he and I had the potential to be more, he knew that didn't want to go from her to me with no time in between relationships. Confused, I told him that technically he hadn't. I mean yea, he was in essence living with me by then and treating me as if we were in a relationship, but uh... I never got no note asking me to circle "yes" or "no", so how could we already be in a relationship???? I wondered this to myself as he continued talking. He then told me he didn't want to live with me..he said this as he kissed my lips to prevent the frown that he knew would no doubt appear from fully forming. He then went on to explain that he had told his daughter's mother (when they broke up) that he didn't want any dudes around his daughter, especially not before she could talk. He then asked how he could ask that of her and not follow suit? So, yes, he would definitely need his own living quarters in order to see his daughter without having to go to Her house to do so. Because, as he put it, "I need to wake up to my Tiny some mornings."

He  proceeded to tell me about a number of apartments he has lined up to go see and his timeline for everything- apartment by December. In the very next breath he said that we should do something for New Year's...host a dinner party or something.

Me, I was too busy thinking about only having him until December to focus on the fact that he still planned on being around thru New Year's.

Yea.... definitely traumatized... :-/

He went on to tell me the reason he'd left for good (that bitch crazy). Hearing that helped alot because one of my main concerns was that I would never feel as if he was truly mine until their relationship played out completely. I had told him repeatedly in the last few months that I wanted him to give that relationship his all so that there would be fear of him going back and forth.  After what he told me about their end, I was slightly more secure with believing he was finally mine.




To be continued...


*Yes, I do feel as if I "lost" him - not because I don't know where to find him, but because that nigga is dead to me now.

And then.....*updated* (slightly)

He called me the next night and i think defeated would be the best word to describe how he sounded. I could hear the pain in his voice when very first thing he said was "So you're running from me now?". I explained to him that I hadn't changed my number because I didn't want him to call me, but rather so that I would stop waiting for him to call. He got quiet after that and I asked him about the work on my car. When his friend told him my back breaks didn't need to be repaired, he took the the change from the rest of the repairs ( about 30 buck or so) and bought the fluids that often need to be replenished of which I had none (ie windshield wiper fluid, steering wheel fluid, oil, etc). He'd told me that was something he planned on doing just so I can have the stuff "in case" but with all of his back and forth....

Anyway, our conversation ended suddenly when his daughter began crying and he put me on hold. He took so long that I just hung up and he never called back.

The master plan that I'd concocted didn't exactly work. Ok, so I got answers about the car situation, but let's be real, that was never really too high on my importance list where he is concerned. Where was the whining and begging me to take him back? Why wasn't he taking this time to profess his undying love to me and assure me that I was the only one for him??

I didn't hear from him again until two whole days later. I happened to look at my phone and saw I had a missed call from Obama's friend's phone. I'd love to say that I stood my ground and just ignored it, but no, I called back. When he got on the phone all he said was "I need to see you". I told him a time and he was there.

For the first hour or so, we sat quietly as we sipped the drinks he'd made us with idle chit-chat about current events here and there. I was the picture of calm and patience on the outside, but inside I was a complete wreck:

 Why come here and even entertain the thought of us discussing our feelings if you had no intentions of doing so?!?! I know you don't think you getting no booty!!!! Why aren't you saying anything?? I spilled my guts to you the last time we were face 2 face and now you're sitting here all calm as if it never happened!! I swear fo Lord if you don't tell me how you feel .... - !!

"You're too perfect for me and that scares the shit out of me."

I was so busy losing my mind and curing him out in my head that I didn't notice him staring at me intently and smiling to himself as he saw me trying to play cool and act as if I wasn't about to snap. I looked up suddenly, startled, when I heard his voice. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if this was something he shouldn't have to verbalize in order for me to know it to be the God's honest truth. 

I immediately began to name some of my many faults to debunk this silly notion of perfection that he appeared to have. He laughed softly, looked me in my eye and told me that all of those faults and so much more is exactly what made me perfect...for him.

"You're a good woman that does what I do, how can I walk away from that?"

That was three weeks ago, and we have been inseparable since.
****************************UPDATE***********************************

I forgot to mention whhen I originally posted what it was that let me know he loved me the wa I have always said Iwanted a guy to love me. He told me that his friend had accidently erased my number after I'd spoken to Obama about the car. He said after yelling at dude (smile) he called the phone company (his friend's phone company, mind you) toget my number. That's some shit I would do to get in contact with someone I love. I have ALWAYS told my friends that I need a dude that would go thru the same lengths for me as I would for him. I think I found him.

OAN - during that same convo I bought up how him not having a phone is an issue for me - regardless of who he called himself being with. He got one the next day. I speak, he listens and reacts accordingly. I love it. And him. :)

And then what had happened was...

As soon as my number was changed, I began to lose my entire mind. I missded he and knowing that he couldn't reach me over the telephone and I couldn't reach him...yea, it was all too much too soon.

I started doubting myself. "Should I have waited just a lil while longer? I mean, I am making the man choose between something he has always known that he wanted for his life and me...something he never planned on taking seriously. I couldn't have waited a whole damn week at least??" But then rational Enigma would kick in, "Shit I ain't ask him to move in, I just asked that he tell me how he feels about me. This nukka want me to be satisfied with only having parts of him and I can't even know how he really feels about me? I mean damn, I can get down with being a sucker for love, but I'll be damned if I'm a sucker for just some peen!" Hmph!

Anywho, both insane and rational Enigma got together and decided to call one of Obama's best friends - a mere two days after changing my number. The call was guised as me asking him about repairs he'd done to my car. I got "T" to call him on her phone on the three-way so that he woudln't have my new number and give it to Obama. To be clear, at that point I really just wanted to know if Obama had tried to call me or not. I still didn't necessarily want him to have my new number or give in without my demand (yes, demand) that he tell me his feelings for me being met. I just wanted to see if he knew my number was changed.

It became apparent one I told his friend who I was that Obama had in fact tried to call. His boy started laughing and was like , "Damn why you change your number on my boy?? You got this nigga walking around like somebody raped his damn dog!!" I told him that I was just trying to make it easier on Obama by removing myself from the situation since he couldn't to which he responded, "Ma, you're not doing him any favors by bouncing on him like that. trust me." I asked him about the brakes that I was told he had done. They were still squeaking and I needed him to take a look at them again. he told me he never did the brake because they didn't need to be done. Remembering the money that I had gave to Obama to get the repairs done, I asked old boy what he had done. When he couldn't tell me, I asked him to check with Obama and have him call back the number I just called him from, ("T"'s).

Well, "T" and I had a falling out as soon as Obama's friend hung up because she wanted me to flip my lid over the money/repairs (or lack thereof). Now, I did raise an eyebrow to dude telling me that the repairs that I had paid for and had been told were done, were NOT. However, I was waiting to hear from Obama to see where the money went and I told "T" as much. She kept saying that Obama had kept it and was trying to play me out, yada, yada, yada. I told her that I'd handed over hundreds to Obama to get things done for me when I couldn't and it had never been a problem before. So, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear from him what happened to the money.

Well, when I told her I'd handed hundreds over to him before, she told me not to say anything else to her about Obama because I was gonna do what I wanted to do anyway. (which is true) But uh...damn...you're supposed to be my "best" friend and your telling me that I can't talk to you about something going on in MY life because you don't agree with how calm I am about it?? I mean, not even because I asked for your advice and did something different, or because I'd been complaining about him taking money for me before, but because I wouldn't just automatically assume that the man who has never failed to look me in my eye and tell me the truth when it mattered most, or who has proven that if I need him, he's there, the man that I told you has always met me 50/50 on everything - something I can"t even say about YOU....I'm just supposed to believe he would steal such a small amount from me and for no damn good reason. Nah. So I ended our conversation with "I can't believe you of all people just told me not to talk to you about something because you don't agree with how I feel about my situation (remember, I never asked her shit about her opinion, nor did I tell her that what she was saying couldn't be true. I simply wanted to hear what this man- whom I loved most for his ability to be honest with me- had to say about the situation.) But I guess I'll talk to you later. (we've spoken twice since then-it's been about 3 weeks-and both convos were extremely awkward).

As much as I want to chalk her reaction up to her just looking out for me, it's really hard to do. She knows more than anyone all that he has done for me. That was the ONE time that anything janky ever came up him (possibly) trying to play me. Annnnd, the amount of money in question (I'd given him $150 to get FOUR things done to the car. The price was a blessing in itself since with parts and labor it would have been much more if it wasn't his boy dong it and if he didn't help him make the repairs) was no where near the amounts he has entrusted me with in the last few months - so why was she tripping?? Especially considering how the dude whose ass she had her head permanently implanted treats her in comparison.  I mean dude is straight up single - no kids no nothing yet he still shows no interest in making time for her. She has to beg him for penis, BEG HIM.... and that's even with her driving across town to pick him up and dropping him off afterwards. And MOST times he has her do all of that and stands her up with no call or nothing. Whic usually results in her blowing his phone up for hours on end unil he finally answers in front of allof his boys just to say some fouls sit to her so they can her it. Plus he's ugly..and broke...and just down-right MEAN to her. He talks to her like she's a whore and she let's him. When I take all of that into consideration, I really rack my brain as to why she'd feel so strongly about Obama. Jeaousy would be the obvious answer, but with my own ups and downs in love i question what sane person would envy my life at this point. But whatever.

Anyway, I'd soon have the answers I was looking for as Obama called me the next night. (I'd called his friend back that afternoon to give him my new number since it was looking like I wouldn't have access to "T""s phone anytime soon)

"Must not have been paying attention..."

...I stepped right on in it, didn't even notice how deep I was..."

Even while it was happening,. I'd chalked my birthday and the days immediately following it up as my birthday present from him. It all just seemed kind of deliberate, as if he'd  maybe started an argument or something with her just so that he wouldn't have to explain his absence for those days, but who knows. We still spoke and saw each other as frequently following those days of my B-Day cupcaking bliss, but with less overnights. This went on for about two weeks before the realization finally hit me: I had definitely fell in love with this man.

Now to say that this shocked me is an understatement. I mean I was actually texting my friends msgs like:

"I LOVE this nigga?!?!? Why the f@*k didn't ya'll hoes tell me?????" 

Now I had been saying it to them for awhile...(that I loved him)...but when I said it, it was more of a that's-the-dude-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-and-would-rather-chill-with-than-any-other-dude kinda way. Not in the I'mma-marry-this-nigga kinda way.

I can pinpoint the EXACT moment that my feelings became clear to me (those on my facebook friend's list can attest to that) and the reason is so simply: he was honest with me. Even though he knew the truth would hurt me and (potentially) jeopardize what ever it is that we have. But he looked me in the eye and told me the truth anyway. That is all I have ever asked of the men that I allow in because it is the one thing that I can guarantee that they will receive from me. I have NEVER experienced my request actually being granted...and without any arm-bending or food -poisoning whatsoever.

Between that and everything else that rocks about him,  I really didn't stand a chance.

The moment I realized how I really felt about him, I told him to hurry up and finish the drink he had been nursing because I needed to tell him something and he needed to be drunk to hear it. ( so dramatic, I know) Somehow we got *ahem* distracted and never got around to me telling him. However, while we were...uh..."ya know"-ing, he stopped mid-stroke, looked me in the eye and said, "You love me don"t you?" Of course, I confessed.

But...he never said it back.

I honestly don't know the EXACT sequence of event from there on. But to the best of my recollection, he and I continued to be ok (for the most part) for maybe another week until all of a sudden I barely saw/heard from him. I think I went about a week and a half with no contact (he STILL had not gotten a phone to replace the one he'd lost months ago. Even after I'd bitched and moaned about it for weeks.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and told him point blank, "Love me or leave me the fcuk alone!" I told him how it hurt me to, in essence, be in love by myself. Especially seeing as how he had yet to respond to me professing my love to him - AFTER he'd asked me point-blank. I felt like a sucker. An exposed sucker to be exact. I felt like he played me. Like he was just a heart-collecter, and now that he knew I loved him, he knew he could get away with even more bullshit without worrying about losing me.

I told him I needed for him to tbe he one to end contact because, in all honesty, I did not feel as if I was strong enough to be the one to walk away. He told me straight up that I was bugging if I thought he'd really leave me alone. I told him then I would have no choice but to change my number and end all contact with him for awhile. He laughed and said, "So I'm just supposed to not call you?1?" That doesn't even sound right coming out my mouth".

I told him since he was having such a hard time choosing where to be, he should just leave me alone and focus on his family since that was what really was important in all of this. He told me that doing that WOULD be choosing and asked what made me think it would be just that easy for HIM to walk away from ME. That was honestly something I hadn't even considered. I honestly couldn't understand why he seemed so tormented when the solution seemed so clear to me. You want your daughter to have her family. I am not apart of that family. I am the weakest link - goodbye.

I told him it was over. Period. We made love again and I told him it would be the last time. He asked if I would ignore his calls, I told him that I would try my very best to. He said it wouldn't stop him from calling. I asked him for the umpteenthed time to NOT call me and to give me some time. When  he called me the. very. next. day. I answered. We chit-chatted. When it come time for us to hang up, he told me he'd call me the next day. I told him NOT to bother calling me unless it was to give me a day/time when we would meet face-to-face so that he could tell me in great detail, how HE felt about ME. He said ok and that was that.

He did not call the next day. Or the next...or...the...next. I changed my number five days after our last conversation. I felt as if I would go insane less quickly if I could trick my mind into believing that he was trying to call, I'd just changed my number too soon. Instead of what was probably closer to reality: Perhaps I had become too much of a liability as a side- dish. In my head he was laughing with his friends about me and saying thngs like, "Feelings? That is not what this was supposed to turn into. This bitch tryna make me choose?? Nah, I'm out!!"  I mean, if I had a penis, that would probably be what I would do (clearly I'd be just as trifling as a dude) *kanye shrug*

But...as time would tell...that is soooo totally NOT how he felt about me AT AL.

To be continued.... {Sorry Suga. :)}

Side-Piece Blues

Ok, so if you all recall, Obama went back home to give his family another try the end of June. That shit hurt like hell, I swear.  But. at the same time, I was able to get myself into kind of a pilot mode where I was just kind of numb instead of hurting. I was only able to do that because I knew hoped that it was no where near the end of what ever it was that he and I were. He had already made too much of a presence in my life, so us not communicating at all was totally out of the question - for both of us.

However, there was absolutely no denying that our relationship had definitely changed. i went from waking up to him every morning and going to sleep caressing his back every night, to only seeing him once a week like we had in the beginning. At times, I didn't even get that. This was for the best, I know, especially since i was the main one to vocalize that I was a distraction to what he was trying to work on. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch for him to agree and begin to handle me accordingly. He also lost his phone around his time and refused to replace it because "she" often went thru his phone and he didn't want problems. So not only did I see him at BEST, once a week, I barely got to talk to him and when I did it had to be HIM that called ME. That time  perriod was some bullshit, but it had it's benefits.

In that time I was able to concentrate on my son and get him re-adjusted to being back in MOMMY's house. Sweet Black Pipe also played a role as "potential boo". He's still in the picture to an extent, but only as an extra  basket to hold a few eggs in. *shrugs*

Obama re-appeared significantly the week of my birthday (the last week in August).  We didn't discuss the status of his home life, but I deduced from the amount of time I was suddenly receiving (overnights included) that the warm, fuzzy feeling they'd experienced while the baby (who is just fine and preparing for her 1st birthday next month) was in the hospital had worn off. As far as he and I, it was like we never missed a beat. We fell right back into "us" immediately.

I went out with my girls on the night of my birthday (which damn near ended me in jail for the attempted murder of one of my closest and dearest childhood friends {Egypt}....sigh....another blog, another story...)

Anyway, Obama was waiting for me when they dropped me off at home and he and I spent the rest of the weekend, and most of that week together.....a week later, he was  gone again.

So much has happened....

But the main part is:

They broke up for good. And in other news...

I'm definitely in love....I know....shocked the shit outta me too. :-/

Fuck!

Anywho, that;s all for now. I'll be back with more when I have a better idea of what the hell is going on right now....cause I honestly have no fucking clue. I've already told him* that we need to talk...and I plan on it being of the "where is this going" persuasion...so we'll see. After much nail biting, I've decided that I shall simply state the following:

"Yea, so....apparently I'm in love with you now.... so please take that into consideration when dealing with me from here on...and if you hurt me, I'll fuckin kill you."

Good, yes? lol

Toodles for now.....

*do I really need to say his name anymore?

Since birds of a feather, trife together.....

I would like to introduce you all to my favorite people in the enitre world. If you think I'm a piece of work, wait until you check out, my homie,  The Head Mistress

Show her some love, follow/comment...just keep in mind, she will respond., so don't get crazy. *Bon qui qui voice*



As for me, trying something different with Obama this week. Update coming soon.... one way or another...

I know, I know...

I suck.

I dropped the bomb about Obama and then just dropped off the face of blogspot. My bad. Seriously. Work has just been more....work than usual. But rest assured. I am not somewhere crying my eyes our over a man that was never mine. The end of the tryst hurt, but we all know I cam into the situation with my eyes wide open and regardless of how it ended, it was a beautiful experience while it lasted. He is still around, just to a different extent. I know I can call him when I need something and he'll do whatever he can to make it happen or find someone who can if he can"t. At the end of the day, I'm happy with that.

Like I said, work has been a tad hectic lately....but even that is fine since it gives me ammo to go to my boss in January for my yearly review and demand more money. So yea, I;'m good.

My baby is home....I know I don"t usually talk too much about my role as "mommy" on here, and I have my reasons for that. But having him back is the best feeling ever. He's such a character! I don't see how I didn't lose my mind for the year that he was gone. Maybe I'll share a few stories with you guys abut my baby, we'll see...

"Sweet Black Pipe"has resurfaced...that's a whole blog in itself...coming soon.

I'm buying a laptop in the next week or so, so I should be able to give you guys a more detailed update soon.

In the meantime, I'd suggest watching a reality show or two to get your fuckery fix until I return. ;)

Oh yea, my sister (yea, that one) came home to visit this weekend. This makes only the second time I've seen her since our falling our. The first time being right after my dad passed. So yea, ummm...expect a blog on that soon as well....

Toodles snitches~! ;)

Release....

Editor's Note: During our last conversation I kept hesitating. He told me to tell him what was on my mind. I asked him what the point would be. He told me so that I could get it off my chest. I told him I have other ways of releasing.....

                            

*************************************

Unholy thoughts in a moral mind.

Carnal desires fading with emotions on overdrive….

Fire…and…desire?!?!?!?

It wasn’t suppose to ever get to this.

Since the kiss with which it began was oh so innocent

Who….is….this?!?!?

How dare you creep into my mental!

With thoughts of “pink” and other sentimentals

Who….let…..you ….. in?!?!?!?!

Because I know it was not me….

Not with these bricks of ice shielding my person ever so strategically…

Leave….me….be?!?!?!

But baby wait….is there nothing I can do to stop you from going?

Oh yea….guess for a moment I let myself believe that this moment of ours was not one stolen.

I will….let….you….go?!?!?!?

Just please not right at this moment.

What say you we lay in this blanket of lust and sin…just until our final atonement…?

*sigh*

Yes, love….I…guess…you’re…right?!?!?

What needs to be done now is evident.

Our feelings at this point? Irrelevant.

And….just… to… think….

      The kiss with which it began was oh so innocent....

…and the tear it ended with?

Just…

As…

Unexpected….

 

Currently Under Construction

"... too many times...I've been wrong... I guess being right... takes too
long..."

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his daughter is in the hospital right now and has been for the past two days with some sort of infection they detected in her urine right now she's getting all of these tests so they have to keep her there for most of the week Obama has been at the hospital most of the time and stayed there last night with his daughter's mother this morning he informed me that they had a long sit down and now he is cinfused and feels like he needs to try again to work things our with her for the sake of the chil I understand it and respecthim for it but given what he's tol dme about their relationship both pre and post chil I doubt if it will owrk he says he enjoys every minute with me and doesn"t want anything to change I told him I can"t go back to being what he does Friday nights after the club closes and he said he'd never expect me too I said well if your working on your family you should do away with the side pieces anyway He said I was never a sidepiece and was always more to him then that and he never meant for me to get hurt but he doesn"t want to drag me along in his shit Now I'm going to go to the river and hope the pain washes away with each wave i see...

Really doesn't really make ME any less trifling tho, now does it?

Obama and I are headed about 90mph in a very good direction.

I'm done being afraid of my attachment to him. Nope, no slash thru - I am attached to Obama. And I told him as much. And instead of hesitation, there was excitement. I mentioned begging afraid - of needing him and losing him, of my son getting attached - because I know he will - Obama is a good guy, a genuinely GOOD GUY...and my son is drawn to that...just like his mama...Instead of him telling me he'd fall back a little to avoid that, he told me he'd thought about the same thing. And was afraid himself of getting attached to my son. Especially since his daughter's mother has been threatening to keep him from her. …because she wants him to come back home - and he refuses - because they've "always had problems" and had broken up weeks before they found out she was pregnant. And they got back together the first few months, but realized there was no making it work. “And then you {I} came back into the picture.” And then his daughter was born. And there was more trying to make a "square peg fit into a triangle slot"...that is...until he starting realizing that I "was looking more and more like the perfect fit"...and that makes so much sense…because the grimy dude he appeared to be when we reconnected just didn’t match the gentleman that I always knew him to be….

I told him about my idea for a non-profit. That is usually the barometer by which I decide who I can be with. If I really feel comfortable with you, then I tell you about my biggest dream - starting my non-profit. How you react to it (excitement, indifference, etc) determines where we go from there and whether we could ever have a future. Not only did he get excited, but he told me he'd always wanted to do something for young boys - somehow sports related of course. It would fit perfectly with the idea I have. I admitted to him that I'd slacked off with working on it, and that I'd have to start from scratch because I'd lost the work I'd done on it thus far. He told me that I needed to "get back to working on it so that we can get married, open it up and pop out some more big head babies" That day at work, I started working on my dream again. Because of him. Later that night, he checked the numbers for the Power Ball and told me that if he won I could open my non-profit tomorrow.

He's going to be subletting an apartment starting next month...and his tournament in Mexico has been pushed back to the end of July…and his sister and I may go visit him down there for our birthday weekend in August...and we're planning a road trip to VA to see some of his fam and "we can even bring your son cause my cousin has a bunch of kids he can play with"

So I say all of that to say that for now, I'm going to stop being worried about where I land....

and

just

fall.......

"Take your time - I ain't going nowhere"

....that's what he said when I told him that it'll be awhile until I see him once my son comes home. And that he'd have to meet my son outside of our love nest my house the first few meet-n-greets before my son can see him chilling all up in our living room. I’ve been meaning to have a talk with him letting him know that me getting attached to him and being hurt was one thing, but my son doing that was another (and a definite NO-NO). But I chickened out. Why? Because that would lead to the "Where is this thing going?" talk and I don’t know if I'm ready for his answer no matter what it may be. I have some time since he won’t meet my son for awhile, but I think it'll actually be harder for me to have the talk even just a week from now (if things continue with us as they have). I guess we'll see....all I keep thinking is:

 "What's it gonna be....dessert or disaster....?!?!"

Yea, so....I be trippin

So I went thru a phase last week where I thought the best thing for my sanity would b to stop seeing Obama. Not because he'd done anything wrong, mind you. But because he was doing everything right. I am falling for this dude and I feel like at any minute I'll text him to bring paper towels with him when he comes and he'll respond with "I'll see you on the weekend" and that's not something I'd be able to handle.

I was still all in my feelings that night/early morning when he did something that had me REALLY decide to call everything off. He had borrowed my car to go to a game about 20 minutes away and said he'd be back around 11/12-ish. I was at home and fell asleep early only to wake up to a text from he saying that they'd gone out after the game and he'd be in soon. He'd left the text at about 12:30 and by the time I saw it when I woke up it was almost 2am. I text him and got no response, so then I called. It rung about seven times and went to voicemail - this never happens, he always answers when I cal and the one or two times he hasn’t he has either called me right back or text me to let me know why he couldn’t talk on the phone at the moment. For the next hour I called and called and called. Sometimes the phone would ring once and go to voicemail, other times it would go straight to vm and a few times it just rang. Now, I know what your thinking, why so much, right? Well, for starters, every since "Pookie", I get extremely nervous about those I love care about being out at night and unheard from. I just needed to hear his voice to know that everything (him and my car) were ok. He finally called me back a lill after an hour later and said he was on his way. Twenty minutes later he showed up at my door, mumbled something inaudible and then proceeded to the shower. When he got out, he came over and laid his naked body on my as I watched tv on the couch. I told him I didn't want him on me and he tried to get me to come lay with him in the bedroom. Again, no thanks, I stayed on the couch. The next day, I got up and got dressed without waking him. In the midst of the commotion I was making, he woke up on his own and asked if I was gonna ever wake him up. I said no, and then proceeded to continue getting dressed. He came over and tried to make small talk with me, but I igged him. Then, he said "Fuck it then" and went back into the bedroom. ALL of this was new behavior from him to me. I left out without him (that was the first time in weeks that he and I did not leave out together. Usually we take one of our cars and he drops me off at work. This day I drove myself in my car). I also took all of the basketball stuff he had in my trunk, bought it upstairs and dumped it right inside the front door. He had that day off of work, so when he finally woke up and saw the stuff there, he called me and asked how I expected him to carry all of the stuff home. (his car has been in the shop since early last week). I told him that wasn't my concern and that I thought I was being considerate by leaving his things since I didn't know when I'd see him again. I think this caught him off guard, especially since he know I’ve chalked deuces to guys for less. When he got quiet, I told him to call me when he had something to say. He called me back a minute later and tried to explain how he was just so tired the night before and after the game the team went to eat and he'd gone to see his daughter and fell asleep holding her. He said he thought his daughter's mother was playing on his phone but wasn't sure until he left out and saw how many times I called. I explained to him that the time he came in and where he was for that matter wasn’t what had me upset, it was that I didn't know where MY car was. In my head, he was laying in a ditch bleeding from the head as his attacker hit ignore on my calls and his attackers friends bashed in the windows to my car. In fact, once he called me and told me he was on his way, I was instantly sleepy again. I honestly just needed to know that my car would be in the front of my house when it came time for me to go to work. Nonetheless, I eventually realized that it was more than that that upset me - it was the fact that I was trapped in a bonified girlfriend scenario with NO BOYFRIEND. I would be remiss to add that he is a known cheater. Him going out and sleeping around is something I can't gripe bout since he isn't "mine" but my car??? Oh yea, I can gripe about that and its whereabouts alllllllll day.

So, I was really ready to cut him off. I felt like he was trying to play me and I told him as much right before I hung up on him. Ten minutes later I get a text from him saying: "I apologize. U been so good to me and a real sweetheart and know that I truly do appreciate you. I was completely wrong and I'm sorry." He then sent another about five minutes later that read: “I was mean and inconsiderate and I sincerely apologize!" I responded “Yes you were. Apology accepted.’ I sent another right after that that said "Don't do that shit again..." to which he responded: "Never! Promise."

And now after a weekend of making-up...let's just say we're right back on track. I did realize that I'd been focusing too much of my attention on him (that wholes eggs/basket theory) so I invited Sweet Black Pipe* to come watch a movie with me on Sunday. The movie sucked and I realized that Sweet Pipe is an uber jerk and pompous ass to boot. *shrugs* He did help me in deciding what to cook for dinner last night tho - blackened salmon, linguini in a light mushroom sauce and spinach with strawberry cupcakes w/cream cheese frosting for dessert....Obama loved it. lol

* I'd seen him about a week ago when Obama and I were at the courthouse fighting a parking ticket. He said he'd been busy due to a bunc of things going on with his teenage son getting into trouble and had been meaning to call. He called a few days later and basically tole me that he was so bent on trying to get me into bed because of the friends I kept and that he figure they were smuts so I must be one too. For the record, my friends are not smuts (and I told him as much). However, he told me a tidbit about a friend of a friend and ...well...let's just say I'm not even mad at him for thinking he could smut me out.

I decided -

I'm ending things with Obama.

Sooooo.....

"Obama" and I have been pretty cozy for the last few weeks. He's stayed over every day since the weekend before my "Oh Obama....*sigh*" post and it has been very....nice....having him around. If I wasn't attached  confused before, I most certainly am now.

I want to slow myself down, but, at the same time, I'm enjoying having him around. I guess the Universe has a way of working things out because he found out yesterday that he'll be in Mexico for a month* and he leaves next week. At least that time apart will give me a chance to put things in perspective and try to figure out what it is that we're doing now, what it is we both want, and where it is we go from here.

He asked me if I'd miss him and I told him "Fif!". I then asked him, jokingly, if I was supposed to wait for him while he was gone and he just looked me in my eye and said  "At this point I shouldn"t even have to answer that".

NOW I'm feeling fucked up. NOW I feel like I should have just ran the other way as soon as his sister told me about his daughter. NOW my conscious is fucking with me. It was one thing in my head when he and I were just using each other's bodies. But now that he seems to be ok with it being more...d'oh! 

He asked me to come down during his last weekend there and I said I'd think about it. He has a couple of places he wants us to vist this summer, so I have to see how I'll alot my vacation days.

Amazingly, the day he leaves is the same day that my son comes back home, so the timing works in my favor. I can give my son all of the time and attention he and I need after a year of him being gone without having to think about how to fit "Obama" in. 

Guess we'll see what happens from here....

*He plays semi- pro b-ball and even though he said he'd be retiring this year, his manager convinced him to play through the Summer.

They broke up...

...I fell asleep in his arms for the 10th night in a row last night and now I'm sitting here watching him install the AC that he insisted we had to get for the living room.



Oops...