They are sooo gonna fire my black ass!

I started my current job in September '07 after damn near a year of sucking on the unemployment and welfare nipple. That shit was the worse! I remember seeing other chicks on their way to work complaining and think "Damn, that ungrateful bitch! If I had me a job I wouldn't never, not ever take it for granted" Ha! Fast forward to now and I am so. fucking.thru! Ok, let me take you from the beginning of my affiliation with "B Bros Tech" (BBT) (so not the real name, but I'm sure you figured that out).



Anyways, last August I get a call from a guy calling in response to my posted resume. Cool. We set up a time/date for an interview and I'm stoked. Mainly my excitement was due to the fact that I had just started working my "CWEP" and the shit was for the birds. For those of you wondering wtf a c-wep is, that's the name given to the "volunteer" activity that you do for 40hrs a week in order to receive your monthly aid of $322 and $281 in food stamps. Ntways, I had been working at the Office of Community Development (OCD) for the city that I live in for about two weeks when I got the interview for (BBT) Initially I had figured that I'd work at OCD for about a month and do such a fantabulous job that they'd have no choice but to hire me. When I got the call for the interviews, though, Ms. Oh-So Rational chimed in and said, "Bitch please! You don't know if these motherfuckers in here is gon' hire you. You need to be going where they talking 'bout them dollars and stop trippin' wit' yo' broke ass!" (yea, Ms. Oh-So Rational is also Ghetto Ass SHiT!) lol

So I took the interview and left OCD the day after I got confirmation for the "BBT". Now when he told me that I had the job, my boss, "Mr. B" also told me that he had a trip to Italia planned and since he wanted to be there when I started, my actual start date would be about three weeks from the time of our our conversation. I figured, cool. That would give me a chance to do whatever running around I had to do. Plus, it wold give me a chance get the youngin' ready for the first day of Kindergarten.

Now let me cut in here and let you guys know my relationship with my boss from day one. During the interview we'd come to the negotiation of the salary. Now, I was broke as hell during this time and looking for anything. I had listed my desired salary as $12/hr. Wet behind the ears as far as negotiating, I somehow left out of their with a salary of 10.50/hr (pennies, I know). So after I'd had a chance to do the calculations on the way home, I emailed him immediately and got it up to $11/hr (which I now realize is the figure he had in his head the whole time).

Anywho, when my start date got nearer, I realized that my child's first few days of school would be half days, and would therefore interfere with my work schedule. I emailed my soon-to-be-boss again and explained the situation and asked that my start date be pushed back a week,. he obliged.

I'm sure at this point he was thinking "this girl's gonna be trouble" (shit, I know I would've.)

Fast forward six and half months later and my list of demands have grown more outlandish. For starters, my hours were supposed to be from 9am-5:30pm. About two weeks after I'd started, i told him I couldn't work until 9:30 and would need to leave by 5pm to pick up my child from aftercare. he obliged. Then, when my new semester of school began, I told him that I had an 8 am class that I need in order to graduate and that I would not be able to get to work by 9am on Mondays, Tuesdays and Friday. He said "Fine, Enigma". So now, most days I'm rolling in there anywhere between 9:30 and 10 am.

The kicker is that I'm constantly calling out. When I say constantly, I'm talking like once a week. The really fucked up part is, my performance is like the worst in my department. I had originally been hired to help in the admin department, but they were short on sales people, so he put me there instead.

I know I suck at sales. I hate the thought of trying to convince someone to buy something from me because it's like getting paid to beg. My pride is too much for that shit. But, I agreed to the position because what we were selling were people. If you think of the way a temp agency works, then "BBT" is pretty much the same way. Only differences are that we only supply IT techs and majority of them are from India. My job as a sales person was to post their resume online and try to get them contract jobs with major firms like Lehman, Goldman, etc.

In the midst of me sucking at it and having the lowest numbers each week during our meetings, I decided to write my boss an email reminding him of my 6-month mark. (after 6 months I was told I'd go salaried and receive an increase). Now, given my poor performance and inability to work the required hours, I had the audacity and unmitigated gall to demand a raise. lol The real head knocker? He gave me about a dollar short of what I asked for and changed my position to the one I was hired for initially. So in essence I now get paid more to do less work. :)

I'm stumped as to why I haven't gotten canned yet. I think they keep me around as the token black girl. Majority of the company is Indian (dot, not feather) and the only other black person is the creepy middle-aged man that smells like stale peppermint and moth balls. But he's been with "BBT" from the start of the company and he brings in hella money for the company, so his presence is understandable. But my black ass? I don't do shit and yet they keep me here. (???). But fuck it, I'll ride it out for another 3 months or so, that will give me enough time to get my degree and start my career. (hopefully they won't fire me before the! lol)

Now that's better!

*stretching*

Now this feels more like it. Excuse me as I make myself at home.

It's just a relief to finally be free from the social confines of Myspace and all the bullshit that it entails, now I can finally breathe!

I fucked up. Yes, I can admit it. When I started my page on my Myspace, all I was trying to do was tell my story. I just wanted to write and get feedback on some of the things I experienced on a regular basis. That includes the good, bad and ugly of be a walking Enigma. But, I let the socializing get to me. I entertained the clique-y-ness (yes, it's a word now) of it all. Soon I realized that I was no longer posting blogs of my truth, but blogs of my acceptable truth.

The more my friend's list grew, the more I found myself trying to write things that I knew my "friends" would accept and agree with. Sometimes I left out the grittiest details so that it would be easier for them to digest. It was still my truth, but an edited edition - and that's just not therapeutic enough for me.

Just like when I posted my first Myspace blog, right now I have no boyfriend and no female friends to talk to. I have no where to put the feelings that I have consuming me. I have no one to bounce my thoughts off of. No sounding board.

And ya'll . . . I can't. hold. this shit. in!

I don't want to be known. I don't need a major following or the blogspot.com equivalent of "kudos". I just want to tell my truth. I want other girls to read my words and know that they are not the only ones with feelings of hopelessness. I'm not a therapist. But I'm pretty good at self-diagnosis. It's my hope that by diagnosing myself on here, I can help someone else see themselves in a new light.

Those are my intentions. And what follows, is my story. . .