Even after hearing him say that I was perfect for him, I diddn't really process what he was telling me. I still expected him to get up and leave after a few hours. I still expected to NOT see him until the following weekend. In fact, I expected him to be like alot of guys I've encountered and just come tell me what he figured I wanted to hear and continue to do the same here-one-day-home-the-next bullish that he had been doing.
He sure fooled me.
Not only did he stay that night, but we got into a daily routine that always ended with me in his arms. He would go and see his daughter daily, and every time I would wait for the call saying he wouldn't be back tonight or that he'd catch up with me Saturday or something.
Truth is - I'm traumatized after losing him just when I'd made the decision to stop being apprehensive about my feelings for him. I notice that I'm uneasy around him sometimes because I don't know how to just be around him. My feelings are so strong and I am sooo certain about them that I'm frightened by my own emotions. Emotions I didn't even think I could have after the way my saga with Mr. Big ended. Which is one of the main reasons why I truly thought that I could have a fling with Obama and not get attached. As far as I was concerned, my heart was something to help me stay alive, no longer something to make me feel.
But he slipped in. And now I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid of feeling all of the hurt and pain I felt after losing* Mr. Big.
However, things seem to be different this time around on the rollercoaster that is love.
This time around, I have been blessed enough to fall in love with a man that not only has no problem with discussing his feelings, but that initiates the discussion to boot! All of last week, I could not stop the anxiety over losing him again from smothering me. I kept trying to figure out in my head how long he'd stay in really silly ways ("Let's see.... they broke up a month ago and last time they were broken up for two weeks, but a whole month before that...so maybe I'll have at least another week or so of this...")
It really was getting to me and apparently, it showed. He started saying that I was being mean to him (not mean "mean", but popping shit a tad more than usual). I thought about it and realized that I was so pre-occupied with trying to determine how long before he would leave, that I stopped putting in all of the effort I once had to have him wanting to stay. I think somewhere in my mind, I shut down when shit got real with us. Again, my behavior change wasn't anything major, just little things... like me pouting on Friday when he told me he was going out. Not because I was afraid he would cheat, not because he hadn't spent quality time with me (and my son) during the week, but because I was just being a brat. *shrugs*
And instead of going out, he stayed with me and made it a blockbuster night. But even while he was sitting on my couch, holding me in his arms as we watched the movie, I still pouted at the mere fact that he'd even thought about leaving me (for the night). Even then, he kissed my pouty face, laughed, and told me to stop being a meanie. When that didn't work he yelled, "Yo, you got me already, don't start the bullshit now!!" all the time laughing and trying to kiss my face that I was busy trying to bury under his arm from embarrassment. He was totally right. I was fucking tripping. lol
The next morning I rolled over and he was right there. Wide awake. He grabbed me in his arms and layed my head on his chest and just started talking.
The first thing he said to me was that since the time he realized that he and I had the potential to be more, he knew that didn't want to go from her to me with no time in between relationships. Confused, I told him that technically he hadn't. I mean yea, he was in essence living with me by then and treating me as if we were in a relationship, but uh... I never got no note asking me to circle "yes" or "no", so how could we already be in a relationship???? I wondered this to myself as he continued talking. He then told me he didn't want to live with me..he said this as he kissed my lips to prevent the frown that he knew would no doubt appear from fully forming. He then went on to explain that he had told his daughter's mother (when they broke up) that he didn't want any dudes around his daughter, especially not before she could talk. He then asked how he could ask that of her and not follow suit? So, yes, he would definitely need his own living quarters in order to see his daughter without having to go to Her house to do so. Because, as he put it, "I need to wake up to my Tiny some mornings."
He proceeded to tell me about a number of apartments he has lined up to go see and his timeline for everything- apartment by December. In the very next breath he said that we should do something for New Year's...host a dinner party or something.
Me, I was too busy thinking about only having him until December to focus on the fact that he still planned on being around thru New Year's.
Yea.... definitely traumatized... :-/
He went on to tell me the reason he'd left for good (that bitch crazy). Hearing that helped alot because one of my main concerns was that I would never feel as if he was truly mine until their relationship played out completely. I had told him repeatedly in the last few months that I wanted him to give that relationship his all so that there would be fear of him going back and forth. After what he told me about their end, I was slightly more secure with believing he was finally mine.
To be continued...
*Yes, I do feel as if I "lost" him - not because I don't know where to find him, but because that nigga is dead to me now.
But he slipped in. And now I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid of feeling all of the hurt and pain I felt after losing* Mr. Big.
However, things seem to be different this time around on the rollercoaster that is love.
This time around, I have been blessed enough to fall in love with a man that not only has no problem with discussing his feelings, but that initiates the discussion to boot! All of last week, I could not stop the anxiety over losing him again from smothering me. I kept trying to figure out in my head how long he'd stay in really silly ways ("Let's see.... they broke up a month ago and last time they were broken up for two weeks, but a whole month before that...so maybe I'll have at least another week or so of this...")
It really was getting to me and apparently, it showed. He started saying that I was being mean to him (not mean "mean", but popping shit a tad more than usual). I thought about it and realized that I was so pre-occupied with trying to determine how long before he would leave, that I stopped putting in all of the effort I once had to have him wanting to stay. I think somewhere in my mind, I shut down when shit got real with us. Again, my behavior change wasn't anything major, just little things... like me pouting on Friday when he told me he was going out. Not because I was afraid he would cheat, not because he hadn't spent quality time with me (and my son) during the week, but because I was just being a brat. *shrugs*
And instead of going out, he stayed with me and made it a blockbuster night. But even while he was sitting on my couch, holding me in his arms as we watched the movie, I still pouted at the mere fact that he'd even thought about leaving me (for the night). Even then, he kissed my pouty face, laughed, and told me to stop being a meanie. When that didn't work he yelled, "Yo, you got me already, don't start the bullshit now!!" all the time laughing and trying to kiss my face that I was busy trying to bury under his arm from embarrassment. He was totally right. I was fucking tripping. lol
The next morning I rolled over and he was right there. Wide awake. He grabbed me in his arms and layed my head on his chest and just started talking.
The first thing he said to me was that since the time he realized that he and I had the potential to be more, he knew that didn't want to go from her to me with no time in between relationships. Confused, I told him that technically he hadn't. I mean yea, he was in essence living with me by then and treating me as if we were in a relationship, but uh... I never got no note asking me to circle "yes" or "no", so how could we already be in a relationship???? I wondered this to myself as he continued talking. He then told me he didn't want to live with me..he said this as he kissed my lips to prevent the frown that he knew would no doubt appear from fully forming. He then went on to explain that he had told his daughter's mother (when they broke up) that he didn't want any dudes around his daughter, especially not before she could talk. He then asked how he could ask that of her and not follow suit? So, yes, he would definitely need his own living quarters in order to see his daughter without having to go to Her house to do so. Because, as he put it, "I need to wake up to my Tiny some mornings."
He proceeded to tell me about a number of apartments he has lined up to go see and his timeline for everything- apartment by December. In the very next breath he said that we should do something for New Year's...host a dinner party or something.
Me, I was too busy thinking about only having him until December to focus on the fact that he still planned on being around thru New Year's.
Yea.... definitely traumatized... :-/
He went on to tell me the reason he'd left for good (that bitch crazy). Hearing that helped alot because one of my main concerns was that I would never feel as if he was truly mine until their relationship played out completely. I had told him repeatedly in the last few months that I wanted him to give that relationship his all so that there would be fear of him going back and forth. After what he told me about their end, I was slightly more secure with believing he was finally mine.
To be continued...
*Yes, I do feel as if I "lost" him - not because I don't know where to find him, but because that nigga is dead to me now.
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