Introducing: The Sticky Rug, Barbara's and The NightLite [Enigma likes her yak}

Ok, So before I can introduce you guys to The Street Fighter, I think it’s important to first introduce the watering holes that I frequent so that it all kinda makes sense. Let me start off by saying I am not a club girl. In fact, I HATE clubs. It’s too much for me. What I do love, however, are bars. It’s more of an intimate atmosphere and for the most part, you know most of the people there. Plus you get to play your own music- double plus for a music snob like me.

That being said, when my girls (whom I will also introduce to you all in the coming weeks) and I decide to get together and go out, our night usually goes Sticky Rug>Barbara’s and sometimes the NightLite.*

The Sticky Rug

This is usually where we go to get the party started. It is definitely the epitome of a hole-in-the-wall dive, but we love it. There’s a pool table when you first walk in, a friendly, older gentleman bartender that loves when we come in and a sticky rug (hence our nickname for it) lol . The bartender/owner there, James, calls us the “Light ‘em up girls” because when we come in we order shots of Jeremiah Weed on Fire (pictured above) and drink it while it’s lit. For the most part, the crowd there is older (I’m talking 40+) with a few young heads (like us) sprinkled in. we like to go there b/c the likelihood of us getting shot is low (which is definitely a risk you take when bar hopping in the hood) and we can go there without worrying about getting dressed up (unless we’re their pre-gaming for an actual party or event that we heading to later in the evening). The Sticky Rug is like our very own Cheers and it hasn’t disappointed yet. Another plus for that place is that most of the drinks are $2.50. Heeeeeey! There was that one incident where OG came by to buy us drinks and this old lady he went to school with tried to play me to the left and take him home. That was the night I whispered in his ear "You kow I'm crazy and I've been drinking AND I got my girls in tow. You better get this bitch before I cancel her ass"...perhaps I'll tell that story another day. lol 

Barbara’s

The second spot we usually hit this is where it’s poppin more often then not. Though this place resembles The Sticky Rug during the week as far as the age of the crowd, come Saturday night the age group ranges anywhere from 21 and all the way up. This is where the negroes and negrettes come to be seen and put on their finest hood attire. Sometimes they have a DJ, but DJ or not it’s usually packed and alive unless there’s a party going on somewhere else. Because of this, the likelihood of getting shot is like 5x’s greater than at the Sticky Rug (which is why unlike at the sticky rug, this place has bouncers at the door checking id’s and patting folk down), but we tend to have a spidey sense as to when it’s time to bounce. Usually when the bouncers announce that they’re not letting anyone else in is when we get our last round in plastic cups and head out b/c we know some idiot is gonna be mad enough to shoot up the place if they or their man’s n’em can’t get in.

The NightLite

Now this is our home bar. Right around the corner from the pj’s where my friends and I grew up, The NightLite is where all the ppl from our old neighborhood tend to celebrate their birthdays. My friends and I, for the most part are kind of snobbish when it comes to our old hood. We have all moved out and on to better things and we tend to not really kick it with the ppl from our old hood that haven’t. The guys are all (bigtime) drug dealers and are usually trying to make one of us their next babymomma (despite the fact that their married or otherwise in a long-term relationship. And the chicks tend to suck their teeth at us b/c we’re ding good and not too beat for them. “Stuck up is what I believe they call us. Ah well…anywho, despite alladat, when we go there to party it is all love. That place is truly like going home. The likelihood of getting shot is just as great here as it is at Barbara’s but for some reason, collectively we feel safer there, like somehow we know that the dude we grew up with would somehow make sure we made it to our car safely. We have also collectively agreed that we have no reason to truly believe this, but hey, it makes us feel safe enough to drink there. Lmao

After the Nitelite is usually Alice’s, the diner where everyone who was at the local bars comes to eat. We call it club Alice’s because it is like Barbara’s on steroids with pancakes and burgers instead of drinks. It gets so bad that sometimes you can’t even find a park/table/etc. Oh yea, and the likelihood of getting shot is THE GREATEST here since this is where ppl from different hoods in the city usually come to get their grub on after partying at their local hot spot. Plus it's on a main street that leads to our neighboring city and you just never know. Sometimes we just say ‘eff it” and head to the pizza parlor instead.

So there you have it. On the days when me and my girls just kinda wanna chill and drink, this is our schedule.

Now that that’s done, I will introduce you to The Street Fighter….in the next blog lol

BTW- Sweet Black Pipe and I met at The Sticky Rug

* The names of the bars have been changed to protect my identity and exact location. Some of ya'll seem cool but you anonymous folk tend to creep me out. lol But seriously...

Introducing: Sweet Black Pipe {and Big Sexy}

Hey, hey, hey everyone. I know I had made an entire list of blogs that I needed to write. But since my blogging time seems to be limited, they'll hav eto be spaced apart instead of the onslaught of 5/6 at a time like I wante dto do.


So first things first, like I mentioned before, my dad (stepfather of 25 yrs) passed away on February 23rd. It happened so suddenly that I don't think I'll ever really come to grips with it. For right now I'm managing. I feel like I've been on auto-pilot since that night- I notice that if I watch a tv show on my DVR, I have to go back and watch it again because somehow, though I thought I was giving it my full attention, I somehow missed chunks of the show.IDK. I have an entire blog that I want to write but not now...I'm just not ready yet.

Moving on to a lighter subject...MENS!!!

So I met a new dude, "Sweet Black Pipe". (explanation of the name coming shortly) I met him at the hole-in-the-wall bar that my friends and I like to go to. I'd seen him a few times in there talking to one of my friends, but never really paid much attention to him. A few weeks ago, I noticed him looking at me and we had a nice, flirty convo (that included me grabbing on his chest and his huge arms in a semi-drunken daze) that went no where. The weekend after that, my friends took me out for shots to toast my dad whom they all knew and loved, at that same bar. This time even tho I saw Sweet Black Pipe in there, he and I didn't talk much. I did, however, began talking to another dude and gave him my number. We shall call this dude Big Sexy cause, well...he is. We had a really good convo and I actually looked forward to hearing from him. That was on a Friday. Fast forward to the morning of the following Friday at approximately 7:34 am and Big Sexy texts me a msg "Good morning gorgeous". This is Big Sexy from the bar. Remember me?" I text him back, "Yea, thought you'd forgotten about me" or something to that effect, and got no response. That night we go back to the bar and he's in there...and so is Sweet Black Pipe.

This time I notice that the two of them know each other as they spend most of the night talking. I had already made up my mind that Big Sexy would get no play from me since he waited so long to use my number, didn't respond to my text and then barely acknowledged me when he saw me at the bar that night. Coincidently Sweet Black Pipe was impressing more and more. He not only gave up his seat at the packed bar, but made another man get up so my friend and I could sit together as well. So he and I begin taking and he tells me that his cousin is interested in me as well. Confused I ask who and lo and behold his cousin, his so-close-they're-damn-near-brothers cousin is none other then Big Sexy. Never one to like confusion or too much drama, I immediately tell him that I'd given dude my number but he'd blown it and I tell him how Big Sexy blew it so that he would not make the same mistake. Sweet Black Pipe and I continue talking and we seem to be impressing each other more and more. At one point during our intimate chat, I hear a booming voice call my name. I look over and it's Big Sexy. I give him the "what up?" head nod and he booms something else. I say "Huh?" since we're right next to the jukebox and the music is blaring. He puts up his arms, says something else and then nods his head and says (what I assume is ) "Aiight". Meanwhile, Sweet Black Pipe gets me and my friend another drink. Now, under normal circumstances, I would feel some type of way about the situation b/c from the outside looking in, I could be looking like a certified scrag*. However, I'd already had it in my head that Big Sexy was not the right fit for me. Aside from his apparent lack of attention to my needs (I need attention, lots and lots of attention), he had been cutting up in the bar all night- singing all loud and drawing attention to himself. Call it what you want, but I'm the only attention whore allowed in my male/female relationships. Apparent cries for attention is just unsexy in my book, especially from men.

Anywho, when I knew me and my girl were about to head out to the next bar, I wrote my number on a napkin with the full intent on giving it to Sweet Black Pipe on my way out, if he asked. If not, then he too would have blown it with me. So, we gather our things and make our way past him to the door, he stops me and hands me his cell to enter my number. I hand him the napkin and tell him to keep up and make my exit. He texts me two hours later asking if me and my girl were good. I tell him yea and that I'll call him when I got home so that we could sit on the phone and have a drunken convo. (yea, ya girl was fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up by that point). Of course I get home and immediately pass out. lol

The next morning, I get a text from Sweet Black Pipe asking if I'd like breakfast and that he's a great cook. Still a lil queasy but wanting to see him I say yea and that I'll come to him (Oh yea, I inherited my dad's car. God really has jokes when it comes to me. Like, "Oh, you want a car bitch? Ok.") SMH.

Anyway, I tell him I'd like corned beef hash and eggs and that I'll be there in an hour. I get casual cute and get to his house right on time. While we're eating we interview one another which is when this convo took place:

ME: So...your a plumber?

SBP: (smiling and showing his straight pearly whites) Yes, I lay pipe

ME *blush*: Oh really?

SBP: Yes, Sweet. Black. Pipe.

If he didn't have my interest before that, TRUST he had it from then on. lol

We eat, watch a gory movie on Syfy and I head out. I see him that night at the same bar and we acknowledge each other but don't talk too much. The next morning he texts me asking if I was up and moving stuff yet and if I needed help . ( I had told him that my couch was being delivered and since I'd been sleeping on my bed in the living room and my still-unpacked boxes were taking up the space in my bedroom, I had a lot of moving to do before the delivery men came at 10 with my couch.) I tell him yes and for him to give me about fifteen minutes to "get pretty". He gets there in 20 and does everything by himself and tells me to sit down. Less than ten minutes after he gets everything situated, the delivery guys ring the bell. IDk what I would have done without him considering how hungover I was. lol

Now, if you remember the post before last, I seemed a lil unsure of SBP. Well here's why. I didn't speak to or hear from him for the entire week following that. He'd text me that day (Sunday). But a text I'd sent during the week asking how work was going went unresponded (shut up, it's a word now lol). I spent all week acting like I was auditioning for the sequel to "He's Just Not That Into You"- asking my friends why he didn't call and going over our convos to try to figure out if it was something I said. Then I remembered that Big Sexy had text me "Good morning" on Monday at 6:57am and figured that maybe Sweet Pipe was stepping aside. (never responded to Big Sexy btw . Another strike for him was the times he did text me. A text to a girl you just met b4 12 on a weekday? Who does that???).

That was until Sweet Black Pipe text me on Friday saying it was rainy and asking if I wanted to lay up. I had plans with Obama already so I declined but told him I'd catch up with him Saturday. He tells me he wants me to fry him some chicken and I agree. Saturday he comes with trees and beer in tow and I fry up some chicken and we watch a Lifetime movie. Things get a lil hot and heavy by accident and he ends up getting a taste, but I nip it in the bud before it gets too far and we agree that cuddling is dangerous. lol That night I see him at the bar and he pretty much ignores me as he and Big Sexy play pool. The next afternoon he texts me that "dinner is ready. Let me know when you ready to eat" I tell him 3-ish and he say it'll be best if I come to him. I do and he's hooked up mac n cheese, cabbage and baked turkey chops and steak. We eat and watch the Cavs vs. Celtics game and I get to stepping. Before I leave I say "so I guess I wont be hearing from you this week." to which he replies "It is what it is" and laughs.

That phrase fucks with me b/c I know when I say it, I'm pretty much saying, 'This is how shit is right now, either get down with it or step the fuck off". He'd explained that he works long hours during the week and that's why I don't really hear from him. That's all fine and good, just as long as he knows all of my cookies stay n the jar until he gets a better schedule for me. I NEED ATTENTION DAMMIT. and who work so hard that they can't even send a text AT ALL throughout the week???

Now yes, he has told me that he has "friends" but no significant other, and has been sex-less for almost two months and that he lives alone and I am always welcome to come by. I kinda feel like he's trying to carry me with the whole 'It is what it is" line, but then again, why give me an open invite to his crib and let me know he's damn near always there? IDK. But what I DO know is no drawers shall he get until I get more time. Until then, I'll enjoy my (weekend) personal chef.

BTW: He's about 5"11, very well toned body, chocolate, nice smile, smells good, HUGE arms, doesn't mind watching Lifetime movies, worked as a chef for quite a few years and has been a plumber for the last twenty. Oh yea...and he's 45, but does not look a day over 35.  Plus, he's a ornball, which is good considering I have put myself in Thug Rehab. And apparently has sweet black pipe....

Anyway...what say you regarding this being MIA (M-F) bull and the subsequent "It is what it is" .  Am I missing something here????

* I learned this from my 14 yr old niece a few weeks ago. Apparently, a Scrag (n.) - is one who encompasses all of the characteristics of a jerk, whore, bitch, slut, and genuinely horrible person. Can be either male or female.

You know what really grinds my gears????

People who only follow/comment on blogs in order to get people to comment/follow theirs. I guess it's because I personally gives not a tiny fuck if I have readers or not. (even though I adore and appreciate you all (*_*) But seriously, I don't write this stuff for whatever reaction I may get. I write so that I can release and so that I have a place to keep a record of this stage in my life.

Now I'm not knocking those who blog purely for the number of views/comments/followers that they receive. HOWEVER, I think it's rude as fuck to leave a comment on someone else's blog whoring yourself for followers. That "I'm following you, so you follow me" , like I just saw on  Khaki's blog is some ole bullshit. No, I will not follow you simply because you are following me. I will, however, glady "follow" you if I enjoy what the fuck it is you write.

*sigh*

End Rant.

P.S- I may be a tad bitchy due to the Sweet Pipe situation not going as I would like so excuse me. More on that later tho.

Tata for now 

Coming Soon...

I know, I know…I’ve been quite the Neglectful Nancy, haven’t I? I apologize, really I do. The upside, however, is that while I have been NOT been updating this blog as I should,  I HAVE been sure to get myself into lots of trife situations to entertain you all. Lol Ok, maybe not all are so trife, but I do guarantee that my judgmental readers will have something to judge and my fellow trife readers will have something to lol and smh at. :)

Unfortunately I can’t fill you all in right now as “they” are still insisting that I actually work when I come to work. But, perhaps if I can manage to stay sober this weekend I’ll post a blog or two or ten. We’ll see…

In the meantime this is what you can look forward to*:

1- “Introducing: Sweet Black Pipe and Big Sexy” (possible new boo and his cousin who was/(is?) also a potential new boo)**

2- “Intoducing: “Egypt” (my very own molester/stalker/single white female-ish friend since childhood and her drunken antics) *shivers*

3- “This Can’t Possibly be Good for My Daddy Issues” {My father (biological) died when I was 11, but my DAD of 25 yrs passed away last week} *sigh*

4- “The House of Enigma” (I moved into a new crib on the 1st of Feb)

5- “In Love with Obama?” (yea, about that…) *hangs head in shame*

6- "The Final Chapter of OG (Older-Gentleman Friend) and Enigma” (Yea, that pretty much says it all..) *dusts shoulder off*

7- "Thug addict Rehab"

Tata for now my lovelies!!!

*The titles of the blogs listed are subject to change with my mood, but I will try to keep on topic as much as possible.

**I did promise you a little trife, didn’t I? lol

Cuz I'm a pothole? Sooooo............

I love that commercial. lol

Anywho...how the hell ya'll doin out there????

Alot has gone one but it has all been so sporadic that I can't even begin to write about it all right now. (these fuckers at work actually expect me to WORK now. Wtf? lol )

Anywho...until I can formulate my thoughts and transform them into a blog, I figured I'd let you guys dictate my next blog. Anything you wanna know that I haven't covered on here? Ask and ye shall receive an answer. You can either post the question in the comments section of this blog or email me at enigmajones08@gmail.com. NO TOPIC IS OFF LIMITS.

Later folks!

p.s. Did I ever say Happy New Year??? I don't think so but yea, Happy New Year's lol

IHATECHU

This is my son's father, Lucifer------->

I hate him so much. Sometime I just sit and think about how much I hate him and plot ways to kill him without doing any time. Only thing is, if something ever did really happen to the fucker under questionable circumstance, I'd be the very first person questioned. NOT because I'm the only one that hates him with the venom of a million venomous rattle snakes, but because I tell anyone who would listen how I'd like for him to not be alive anymore..including Lucifer himself. Now, yes, I do know how horrible it is to wish death on some one...and i have been so distraught over this that I actually cried hysterically to my sister over the phone one day because I hated him so much and I needed her to pray with me for the hatred to be removed from my heart. So, yea...I'm working on it. In fact, I had come to the conclusion before that perhaps it would be best if he just was a man about it and offed himself. you know, fall on his sword so to speak...the world would be a much greater place without him and his kids (3 by three different women) would at least get social security...which is more than they get from him while he's alive. But, now I'm feeling liek he is a real live evil do-er and it i smy duty to wipe him off the face of the Earth once and for all for the greater good of all mankind. *shrugs*

Now…for those of you who are thinking ‘Well you knew he was like that before you had his baby..” I say, Fuck ya’ll, ya’ll don’t know my life!!!! Lol Nah, but in ALL honestly, I was bamboozled. When I met him he had a five yr old daughter that he adored and who was always with him, his own apt and TWO jobs. TWO WEEKS before I found out I was pregnant I looked at him and decided I couldn’t mess with him any more cause at that moment he was high and looked like an absolute crack head. It was like I saw my future with him at that exact moment and I needed to run very far away from it. When I found out I had a baby on the way I let him know and told him that he could have or leave any parts of raising the baby that he wanted. He decided he wanted in. We worked on “us” and when I was 4 months he left me for an older woman who bought him shit. (Not even any shade, he himself said THAT was the reason). He then dropped of f the face of the earth and became her boy toy full time and acted as a dad to her two kids and I got over my broken heart, trekked back and forth to college taking classes and working. He called me out of the blue when I was almost six and a half months and had nothing productive to say or contribute to my pregnancy. I delivered my son prematurely less than a week later and yes I blame his ass for that. He made my body unwelcoming to my baby with the all of the emotions he stirred in me and my baby wanted out.

Through out my son’s life he has come and gone whenever he felt like it. My son is VERY aware of who his father is and even spends summers with him. (More like with his father’s girlfriend as his father whores around but still) The best way for me to demonstrate why I hate him would be to give you some examples of his character so that you guys can all have sympathy for me and want to help me rid the world of him:

When my son was born he was in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit). Only immediate family member where allowed in this area and the hospital issued wrist bands to those allowed access- only two per family. Seeing as how I was a young (21), unwed college student, my mother was the second person with the wrist band. The day after my son’s birthday, my mom gave the wrist bad to Lucifer who came up ONE time to see my son (through out his entire 80 day stay) and then took the wrist band off…and eventually gave it back to my mom. Said he could stand to see his son laid up in no incubator.

When my son was released from the hospital, 80 days after his birth, I stayed home to take care for him and applied for welfare (my semester of school was over and I took the following semester off.) I lived off of saving and welfare for three months and then got a job. My mom watched the bay for me. In August, my mother couldn’t watch him anymore and his father acted as if he couldn’t either (even tho I said “watch him and I’ll work, you don’t have to pay me anything in child support). So I quite my job. Two months after quitting saving was running low…I told Lucifer that the baby needed walking shoes. He told me he was gonna be in his cousin’s wedding the following month and needed his money for that and that I couldn’t get blood from a turnip. My response? I can’t but I bet child support can. Apparently you need “the man” to help you get your priorities straight. It took me a week before I got a chance to file for child support and tell me why they already had a case pending listing ME as the defendant. This sucka had tried to be one step ahead of me by suing ME for visitation…dumbass…I still filed for support and made sure every day he asked for was when he had my son.

On one of he requested weekend… he picked my son up to have for the weekend and then bought him back fur hours later talmbout he and his girlfriend hadn’t been alone in awhile to have sex and they needed that night together.

What else…what else…?

Oh yea…he broke up with the chick he left me for when he went to visit his mom in NC and found another sucka “woman” with more money to support him. Then he up and moved to NC…did I mention BOTH his kids live in JERSEY???

He got ole girl pregnant within a month…and was BARELY fully broken up from chick he left me for.

He started having my son for the summer vacations after that and it would be his mom that my son stayed with mostly.

ALL OF THIS TIME MY CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT HAVE BEEN SPORADIC B/C THE NIGGA REFUSES TO KEEP A JOB!!!

He calls my son about as often as he does make payment ..which ain’t much at all.

Fastforward to this summer (my son is 7 at this time). He and his now fiancé say they want my baby to stay down for the school. Year. Now this was something I’d actually told Lucifer when my son was born. When he turned five, I wanted Lucifer to be the sole guardian because I can’t teach a boy how to be a man. He agreed…but never got his shit together. So in the summer he and his “fiancé” were having a good week (cause Lord know every OTHER week they were breaking up their ghetto Brady bunch- {she has two kids from a previous relation ship, he has two and they have a child together}. Anyway, during this time they convince me that they wanted him to stay and everything was rainbows glitter down there. Their “wedding” was planned for August 14th; I told the fiancé that if he actually married her, my son could stay because that would be a very clear indication that he was a changed man. August 14th comes and goes…no wedding…in fact…they break up. *gasp*

Then Lucifer says he’ll be sending my son home.

THEN…less than a week later… Lucifer calls and gives me this speech about how he’s moving out on his own and still wants my son to stay down there. Fine. He tells me he needs me to send school clothes for him. I do.

THEN he says that he didn’t get the job he thought he would, so my son is coming home, but he’s gonna send for him in NOVEMBER.

Five minutes later he leaves a msg saying that he’s a man and he’ll work it out…my son is staying…he just needs his birth certificate and social security card to apply for this low income apt complex near his mom.

Fine I send that out AND a letter stating that he was to act as his legal guardian on my behalf since his name isn’t on the birth certificate.

Then he calls and says my baby has to come home. This time I say, “No. I send the paper. He’s your responsibility now.” I do this, because I didn’t want my bay back home, but because I knew he would try to bring him back then conveniently “forget” to bring back the docs and would no doubt claim my son as his dependent. Not I said the cat. I say “Nah, you got him now.” Click.

Then he calls and leaves a msg saying ‘U right, he can stay. Not cause you said so, but because I know what I gotta do as a man”. Smch

THEN he calls me AGAIN less than half an hour and leaves a msg saying I just wanted my son down there so I could run around in the bars and fuck niggas and that he know what the fuck he gotta do and I need to just work with him. And he gonna come to JC and “do what he gotta do” Mind you all this time I’ve agreed to whatever he’s asked.

After this message, I call his mother and she tells me that the “fiancé” mealticket girlfriend is moving from North Carolina to Georgia and said that my son couldn’t come along. Apparently, Lucifer wanted to follow his bread and butter…only son be damned. Makes sense…She then tells me that she and her husband want my son to stay down there with them (where he spent most of the summer anyway) and that we’ll let Lucifer think that he’s getting his way and that they’ll come up to visit in the beginning of September, pretend to drop my son off, and then take him right back down to NC with them

In November he left a msg on my moms phone saying that hi smother did drugs and he didn’t want my son down there with her and that I just had to be patient and he would’ve came and got him by now. I stopped listening, but my mom later told me that he also said he was going to sign away his parental rights. Sign them away to whom, idk…still patiently waiting on those papers.

Since November he’s been calling his mom’s phone to talk to my son asking about his teacher and what time he gets out of school and that he’ll see him soon,. As if he’s plotting to come and kidnap my son. I made it clear to his moms that I would treat him like a stranger if he did.. Amber alerts and all and that she should let him know he don’t wanna give me a reason.

On Christmas, his mother tells me that he called there for my son and said ‘merry Christmas…I’m gonna whoop your ass when I see you”. When my son asked why, Lucifer told him it was because he had a smart mouth. What was so smart about my son’s mouth? In the conversation they had had prior, Lucifer told my son that he was gonna come get him in a few months and my son said he didn’t want to go with him.

Oh yea..and remeber that whole situation with my ex-sister?  Yea, well it seems that after Lucifer called her husband he somehow forgot about his reasoning for calling and pretty much let dude convince him that it was nothing and that my son was just a big baby and I had him spoiled. Dude also gave very false info about how I was alway sgoing out. This couldn't be farther from the truth. Not only did I not go ANY where when my son was with me, but often times I had my son AND my nephews. So where the fuck was I going????? Smch.

There was one more thing I wanted to add.....what....was...it.....????? Damn, I can't remember..screw it...I think that's enough for now anyway. WAIT I remember... I infiltrated his facebook page under an assumed name and found out that LUCIFER IS A MENTOR in the city I live in. There it was as his profile pic, him at a basketball court with a bunch of young boys. His caption read how kids are the future and need men to show them the way yada, yada, yada. Did I mention the date stamp on the pic was July 09...when my son was in  NC...and Lucifer came up here with his "fiance" for "business". So he left his actual kids in North Carolina where they had come to visit HIM, just so he could come to THEIR homes city and mentor youth??? WTF. When my son gets home I'm taking him to that mentoring program. Maybe he'll get Lucifer as a mentor and get to actually spend some quality time with the son of a bitch. Smch.

So yea….I hate that motherfucker.

***My aplogies for any typos, run-on sentences, etc...I was mad as hell writing this****

NIgga what?

One of my facebook friends posted a satus asking if we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger". As a person that uses the word excessively, I jumped in on the convo. The exchange is below.

*************************************************************************

Enigma's facebook Friend: Today's word of the day: Nigger/nigga...... "also if its so bad [the word "nigger"]...why so many black people say whaddup mah nigga and give ME a pound"~ said by Ghee Munnie on I.b. Freeman's stat in which he asked "do people put too much emphasis on the word nigger??".3 hours ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Reynald:  they say[people give words power,but it seems we give it too much power.black folks are theones keeping the word alive,not whites.we keep it going but claiming we flip the meaning.why can we not let it go.

T Smith I think we s a ppl are all over the damn place & sensitive about everything that's why we have no real focus!

Dub Spot Simple- we don't all feel the same way about the word(s). I've heard white teens (15ish) on the upper west side callin each other "nigga" ...so it's not even a blk/hisp thing anymore....or a lower economic class thing.

Enigma's facebook Friend: hey, Reynald... i was just on youtube looking to see if "niggas to gods" was there... didn't find it, though :( we can't let it go because we don't see anything wrong with it til it comes out of the mouth of someone who isn't black.

Marc: It just depends on who says the world. Nigger is used 2b derogritory and we say nigga like it's a term of endearment. The same could b said about bitch. Women will flip if a man calls them a bitch but it's alright 4 her girlfriends 2 call her 1.

Shamaine: Yes ppl hop on the band wagon with such ignorance instead of researching what and where the word comes from! They use it and are just as ignorant as the ppl who use it derogatory!

Dub Spot:  Personally tho..I don't use the n word w/ my white friends...or non blk/non hisp friends...

Reynald : but i do,even if whites and others are using it,we live it the pain of the past and the disrspect of today,why do we need it and why can we not let it go.as far as focus,i try tto teach my young brothers and sisters to reach for thier growth in spiriit and intellect,butmy people areall over the place calling each other as well as themslves niggers/niggas and bitches. also if we were not using it making it fly would other groups/races.we are keeping the word alive.

Enigma Jones: I equate it to talkiing about ur family members. It's ok for you to bash your sister and say she ain't shit but if anyone else outside the fam...your spouse/ sig other included, agrees or says the same thing, it's a problem. lol I use the word nigga excessively. And what? I think people have more important things they need to focus on besides the different spellings/meanings/etc of the word. If it offends you, don't say it, but do not censor me or tell me how I'm holding "us" back just b/c I choose to use it.

Reynald @ENIGMA YOU AR RIGHT I TRY VERY HARD NOT TO USE IT,AND NEVER TELL OTHERS HOW TO SPEAK,BUT PEOPLE WILL PUT THIER BELIEF ON YOU WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOU JUST ASSUME ITS OKAY TO CALL ME AS A BLACK MAN ....NIGGER/NIGGA

Reynald @ eNIGMA'S FACEBOOK FRIEND NIGGAS TO GODS IS ON THE CD MRS BETTY'S SON 2005,MY FIRST CD.

 Enigma's facebook Friend:@ Raynald... i know. i downloaded it all to my computer. i was hoping it was on youtube, though, so i could post it here.

Reynald : SOON THAT WILL BE A OPTION,LASTLY AS A MENTOR TO THE YOUTH AS WE DEAL WITH SEROUS ISOIAL ISSUES,TO GET MY YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEE THIER SELVES AS THINKING,GODLY PEOPLE WE ARE TALKING TO KIDS THAT CALL THEMSELVES NIGGAS AND BITCHES AND THAT IS THE LEGACY WE PAST TO THEM.

Enigma Jones: I personally never understood using the word nigga as a term of endearment, but to each their own. I use the word when I see some real nigga-ish things happening and in the hood, it happens VERY often. But trust me, I know the difference between a man and a nigga/nigger (and a woman and a bitch.) Chris Rock said it best " I love black people, I hate niggas". Why is it that other racial groups can differentiate the good from the bad of their group, but if one set of black people do something ignorant ALL of us are branded for it? I wonder if any white person ever tried to bury the term "white trash" and I wonder if they are chastised when they use the term...

Reynald: @TRACEY NO WHITE TRASH IS CLASSISM,NIGGER IS RASCISM,BOTH INVENTED BY WHITES TO MAKE THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THIER FELLOW MAN,TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR.

Enigma Jones: The term was created by whites, but the people robbing. stealing and acting crazy in our communities look just like you and I.

Reynald: YES,AND WHEH WE TRY TO FIX IT AND MORE THAN THAT THOSE WHO ARE ACTING IRRESPONSIBLE IN OUR COMMUNITY ARE SELF PROCLAIMED NIGGERS AND BITCHES.SO IF WE TALK DIFFERENT WE WALK DIFFERENT.THE ISSUES IN OUR HOODS WERE CREATED BY BLACK AND WHITES,BUT ONLY BLACKS CAN FIX IT.NOT THE SO-CALLED NIGERS.

Enigma Jones: Exactly. Only we can fix it. Not by wagging our fingers because of the verbage some use, but by providing jobs, making sure our children stay in school, activities in our communities that keep kids of the street, parenting classes so that "home" is a more appealing concept to them, imaking it ok for us to feel like we can get counseling instead of looking to drugs/alcohol to ease our pain. Like I said before, we have bigger issues then the words we use. I don't think anyone using the word is unaware of its history. Kids use it because it's become a part of the culture for a certain age goup. Not because they hate themselves or because "the man" is making them. I think if we walk differently then we'll talk differently. How about we get right as far as education/jobs/housing/family/etc and then worry about what we choose to call ourselves.

Reynald: YOU ARE RIGHT,BUT FEEL BLACK FOLKS WHO LOVE THIER PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO USE IT AND ALSO SAY WE BLACKS KEEP IT ALIVE.THINKTHE REASON WE WILL NOT FIX ARE OWN HOODS IS FOLKS THAT FEEL THEY CAN'T AND WILL NOT INTERACT WITH NIGGERS.

Reynald: ALSO CAN WE SEE US UPLIFTING ONE ANOTHER AND MAKING MORE BUSSINESS,SCHOOLS AND SPIRITUAL LEGACY WHILE STILL CALLING OURSELVES NIGGERS.

Enigma Jones: I don't think using the word means you don't love your people. I love my people to the point of exhaustion. I've been volunteering in our communities for 14 years now and one thing I've realized is that some people REFUSE to do better..even when "better" is literally handed to them and all they have to do is show up. Some ppl give up on the hood because that is where most of the ppl that have given up reside and it takes more work and dedication and ALOT of disappointment. I truly understand not wanting to interact with niggers...but it has nothing to do with what they call themselves, it has to do with behaviour. You can call yourself whatever you like, but is the word you choose to use the reason you robbed my house, or stabbed my brother or raped my niece? No.

Enigma's facebook Friend:: yet, we all believe that it's possible to speak things into existence. from this standpoint, I can't see how our "merely using" the word doesn't have negative ramifications.

Tremaine: Ill start by saying I'm white. I grew up in an all black neigborhood. My cousins my best friend and my god daughter are all black. I've grown hearing the word millions of times and at no point in my life have I ever felt comfortable saying the word and I am almost as uncomfortable hearing it. I don't even like repeating it when singing along with a song. I understand that its not my word and it isn't exceptable at any time or place for me to say or use it

Enigma Jones: Enigma's facebook Friend: , I completely understand where you... you’re coming from but the reality is that it’s not even about “speaking into existence” anymore because the harsh reality is that our kids in lower income areas are already screwed and I just can’t subscribe to the notion that it was the use of the word that got them there. I use it and somehow I managed to graduate college, maintain steady employment, and raise a well-rounded, happy, nurtured child. My point is that I think we do put too much emphasis on the word. We have bigger issues that we as a people need to work on and while that word is ONE of them, I in no way believe it is the most important or warrants the attention that it gets.

What do you think readers, do we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger/Nigga"?

Emotionally Unavailabe {DiAl mY hEaRt}*

Sorry, lovey-dovey Enigma can't come to the phone right now. Your calls for weekend getaways and trips to the circus with 'the kids' will not be answered at this time. I'm not available for long talks about your dreams of our tomorrow. I woke up a long time ago. . .your sleeping and dreaming alone, my dear.

Your calls for love and marriage cannot be completed at this time. Please, check the number you are dialing and try your call again. . .when the memories of past calls are not seared into my brain and when my voicemail box is not so full. Oh. . .did you think you were the only one dialing my number????? Sorry . . .I get calls everyday from people just like you trying to sell me dreams without sending me something in writing. . .yes, right now your in the same league as those damned telemarketers. .. trying to sell me something I don't want or need right now, just to fill your own quota and agenda. . .not today. I'll try to get back to you at my earliest convenience, but now just isn't the time.

Yes, I know that I have free-incoming. . .I'm only 25, so it costs me nothing to hear what you have to say... time is on my side. But, in all honesty, I don't want to waste my voice-mails on any unsolicited calls. . .they just confuse me. Perhaps you can draw me a picture and mail it to me since you can't reach me by phone. I'm much more responsive when the actions are shown as opposed to told to me. Yea. . .draw me a picture of that house that you'll buy me with the picket fence and 'the kids' playing in the yard that you just mowed. . .cause without that in front of me, I. just. can't. see .it.

Maybe you should just hang it up, and try your call at a later time. As much as I'd hate to have you forget my number. . .or decide that I'm not the woman you want to call. . . I'd understand. We have different long-distance services that need to be met, and frankly, all I'm doing is burning up your daytime minutes.

So, a word to the wise, try me again when you have the minutes to spare, b/c I don't want to be the reason that you miss out when a more-available woman tries to reach you. Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want to ever speak to you, but when I'm ready, I'll call you. But until that time comes, don't be suprised if I'm emotionally unavailable.

*Originally written for Myspace on May 21, 2007

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
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Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...