NIgga what?

One of my facebook friends posted a satus asking if we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger". As a person that uses the word excessively, I jumped in on the convo. The exchange is below.

*************************************************************************

Enigma's facebook Friend: Today's word of the day: Nigger/nigga...... "also if its so bad [the word "nigger"]...why so many black people say whaddup mah nigga and give ME a pound"~ said by Ghee Munnie on I.b. Freeman's stat in which he asked "do people put too much emphasis on the word nigger??".3 hours ago · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Reynald:  they say[people give words power,but it seems we give it too much power.black folks are theones keeping the word alive,not whites.we keep it going but claiming we flip the meaning.why can we not let it go.

T Smith I think we s a ppl are all over the damn place & sensitive about everything that's why we have no real focus!

Dub Spot Simple- we don't all feel the same way about the word(s). I've heard white teens (15ish) on the upper west side callin each other "nigga" ...so it's not even a blk/hisp thing anymore....or a lower economic class thing.

Enigma's facebook Friend: hey, Reynald... i was just on youtube looking to see if "niggas to gods" was there... didn't find it, though :( we can't let it go because we don't see anything wrong with it til it comes out of the mouth of someone who isn't black.

Marc: It just depends on who says the world. Nigger is used 2b derogritory and we say nigga like it's a term of endearment. The same could b said about bitch. Women will flip if a man calls them a bitch but it's alright 4 her girlfriends 2 call her 1.

Shamaine: Yes ppl hop on the band wagon with such ignorance instead of researching what and where the word comes from! They use it and are just as ignorant as the ppl who use it derogatory!

Dub Spot:  Personally tho..I don't use the n word w/ my white friends...or non blk/non hisp friends...

Reynald : but i do,even if whites and others are using it,we live it the pain of the past and the disrspect of today,why do we need it and why can we not let it go.as far as focus,i try tto teach my young brothers and sisters to reach for thier growth in spiriit and intellect,butmy people areall over the place calling each other as well as themslves niggers/niggas and bitches. also if we were not using it making it fly would other groups/races.we are keeping the word alive.

Enigma Jones: I equate it to talkiing about ur family members. It's ok for you to bash your sister and say she ain't shit but if anyone else outside the fam...your spouse/ sig other included, agrees or says the same thing, it's a problem. lol I use the word nigga excessively. And what? I think people have more important things they need to focus on besides the different spellings/meanings/etc of the word. If it offends you, don't say it, but do not censor me or tell me how I'm holding "us" back just b/c I choose to use it.

Reynald @ENIGMA YOU AR RIGHT I TRY VERY HARD NOT TO USE IT,AND NEVER TELL OTHERS HOW TO SPEAK,BUT PEOPLE WILL PUT THIER BELIEF ON YOU WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT YOU JUST ASSUME ITS OKAY TO CALL ME AS A BLACK MAN ....NIGGER/NIGGA

Reynald @ eNIGMA'S FACEBOOK FRIEND NIGGAS TO GODS IS ON THE CD MRS BETTY'S SON 2005,MY FIRST CD.

 Enigma's facebook Friend:@ Raynald... i know. i downloaded it all to my computer. i was hoping it was on youtube, though, so i could post it here.

Reynald : SOON THAT WILL BE A OPTION,LASTLY AS A MENTOR TO THE YOUTH AS WE DEAL WITH SEROUS ISOIAL ISSUES,TO GET MY YOUNG PEOPLE TO SEE THIER SELVES AS THINKING,GODLY PEOPLE WE ARE TALKING TO KIDS THAT CALL THEMSELVES NIGGAS AND BITCHES AND THAT IS THE LEGACY WE PAST TO THEM.

Enigma Jones: I personally never understood using the word nigga as a term of endearment, but to each their own. I use the word when I see some real nigga-ish things happening and in the hood, it happens VERY often. But trust me, I know the difference between a man and a nigga/nigger (and a woman and a bitch.) Chris Rock said it best " I love black people, I hate niggas". Why is it that other racial groups can differentiate the good from the bad of their group, but if one set of black people do something ignorant ALL of us are branded for it? I wonder if any white person ever tried to bury the term "white trash" and I wonder if they are chastised when they use the term...

Reynald: @TRACEY NO WHITE TRASH IS CLASSISM,NIGGER IS RASCISM,BOTH INVENTED BY WHITES TO MAKE THEMSELVES BETTER THAN THIER FELLOW MAN,TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL SUPERIOR.

Enigma Jones: The term was created by whites, but the people robbing. stealing and acting crazy in our communities look just like you and I.

Reynald: YES,AND WHEH WE TRY TO FIX IT AND MORE THAN THAT THOSE WHO ARE ACTING IRRESPONSIBLE IN OUR COMMUNITY ARE SELF PROCLAIMED NIGGERS AND BITCHES.SO IF WE TALK DIFFERENT WE WALK DIFFERENT.THE ISSUES IN OUR HOODS WERE CREATED BY BLACK AND WHITES,BUT ONLY BLACKS CAN FIX IT.NOT THE SO-CALLED NIGERS.

Enigma Jones: Exactly. Only we can fix it. Not by wagging our fingers because of the verbage some use, but by providing jobs, making sure our children stay in school, activities in our communities that keep kids of the street, parenting classes so that "home" is a more appealing concept to them, imaking it ok for us to feel like we can get counseling instead of looking to drugs/alcohol to ease our pain. Like I said before, we have bigger issues then the words we use. I don't think anyone using the word is unaware of its history. Kids use it because it's become a part of the culture for a certain age goup. Not because they hate themselves or because "the man" is making them. I think if we walk differently then we'll talk differently. How about we get right as far as education/jobs/housing/family/etc and then worry about what we choose to call ourselves.

Reynald: YOU ARE RIGHT,BUT FEEL BLACK FOLKS WHO LOVE THIER PEOPLE ARE LESS LIKELY TO USE IT AND ALSO SAY WE BLACKS KEEP IT ALIVE.THINKTHE REASON WE WILL NOT FIX ARE OWN HOODS IS FOLKS THAT FEEL THEY CAN'T AND WILL NOT INTERACT WITH NIGGERS.

Reynald: ALSO CAN WE SEE US UPLIFTING ONE ANOTHER AND MAKING MORE BUSSINESS,SCHOOLS AND SPIRITUAL LEGACY WHILE STILL CALLING OURSELVES NIGGERS.

Enigma Jones: I don't think using the word means you don't love your people. I love my people to the point of exhaustion. I've been volunteering in our communities for 14 years now and one thing I've realized is that some people REFUSE to do better..even when "better" is literally handed to them and all they have to do is show up. Some ppl give up on the hood because that is where most of the ppl that have given up reside and it takes more work and dedication and ALOT of disappointment. I truly understand not wanting to interact with niggers...but it has nothing to do with what they call themselves, it has to do with behaviour. You can call yourself whatever you like, but is the word you choose to use the reason you robbed my house, or stabbed my brother or raped my niece? No.

Enigma's facebook Friend:: yet, we all believe that it's possible to speak things into existence. from this standpoint, I can't see how our "merely using" the word doesn't have negative ramifications.

Tremaine: Ill start by saying I'm white. I grew up in an all black neigborhood. My cousins my best friend and my god daughter are all black. I've grown hearing the word millions of times and at no point in my life have I ever felt comfortable saying the word and I am almost as uncomfortable hearing it. I don't even like repeating it when singing along with a song. I understand that its not my word and it isn't exceptable at any time or place for me to say or use it

Enigma Jones: Enigma's facebook Friend: , I completely understand where you... you’re coming from but the reality is that it’s not even about “speaking into existence” anymore because the harsh reality is that our kids in lower income areas are already screwed and I just can’t subscribe to the notion that it was the use of the word that got them there. I use it and somehow I managed to graduate college, maintain steady employment, and raise a well-rounded, happy, nurtured child. My point is that I think we do put too much emphasis on the word. We have bigger issues that we as a people need to work on and while that word is ONE of them, I in no way believe it is the most important or warrants the attention that it gets.

What do you think readers, do we put too much emphasis on the word "Nigger/Nigga"?

Emotionally Unavailabe {DiAl mY hEaRt}*

Sorry, lovey-dovey Enigma can't come to the phone right now. Your calls for weekend getaways and trips to the circus with 'the kids' will not be answered at this time. I'm not available for long talks about your dreams of our tomorrow. I woke up a long time ago. . .your sleeping and dreaming alone, my dear.

Your calls for love and marriage cannot be completed at this time. Please, check the number you are dialing and try your call again. . .when the memories of past calls are not seared into my brain and when my voicemail box is not so full. Oh. . .did you think you were the only one dialing my number????? Sorry . . .I get calls everyday from people just like you trying to sell me dreams without sending me something in writing. . .yes, right now your in the same league as those damned telemarketers. .. trying to sell me something I don't want or need right now, just to fill your own quota and agenda. . .not today. I'll try to get back to you at my earliest convenience, but now just isn't the time.

Yes, I know that I have free-incoming. . .I'm only 25, so it costs me nothing to hear what you have to say... time is on my side. But, in all honesty, I don't want to waste my voice-mails on any unsolicited calls. . .they just confuse me. Perhaps you can draw me a picture and mail it to me since you can't reach me by phone. I'm much more responsive when the actions are shown as opposed to told to me. Yea. . .draw me a picture of that house that you'll buy me with the picket fence and 'the kids' playing in the yard that you just mowed. . .cause without that in front of me, I. just. can't. see .it.

Maybe you should just hang it up, and try your call at a later time. As much as I'd hate to have you forget my number. . .or decide that I'm not the woman you want to call. . . I'd understand. We have different long-distance services that need to be met, and frankly, all I'm doing is burning up your daytime minutes.

So, a word to the wise, try me again when you have the minutes to spare, b/c I don't want to be the reason that you miss out when a more-available woman tries to reach you. Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I don't want to ever speak to you, but when I'm ready, I'll call you. But until that time comes, don't be suprised if I'm emotionally unavailable.

*Originally written for Myspace on May 21, 2007

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote: Mommie Dearest

**ENIGMA's NOTE: So yea...I started this blog on 12/1 and then finished it up today 12/14 (from where I say my sister hates to be babied). My sister went home to her husband on Dec. 6th and let me say the change has been drastic. I'm thinkig that maybe my mother can only actually "mother" one of us at a time. IDK...but things aren't as bad anymore. (even tho I still give her the side eye...fool me once dammit...**
***************************************

Yea so I'm having a moment right now. I just had a two minute crying session that started over a fried egg and ended with me finally realizing that perhaps my mother does not love me as much as she should. Shall we go back?

Ok, so my older sister (The one I am closest to) had surgery a few weeks back and has been recovering at my mom's house. Now even though my sister is nine years older than me, (and we have two others older than her), my mom has always, always, ALWAYS babied/favored her. For the most part I've ignored this because, well, my sister is kinda exceptionably loveable. I mean, she's my favoritest person in the world (next to my son) so why wouldn't she be my mom's fav too? But the problem is that my mother is so very blatant with her favoritism that it's hard to not feel fucked up about it. Especially since its usually the three of us that are together doing things since my oldest sister is always on the move and the other one recognized the favortism early on and now only fucks with my mom on a need-to/obligatory basis. So, whenever we decide to do things "as a family", its usually my mom, my sister and I and our children (she has a 14 yr old daughter) and I have the pleasure of witnessing the favoriteism first-hand.

Anyway, since my sister had the surgery, my mom has been on overdrive. Now, let me mention that my sister is in and out of the hospital all of the time and has alot of health issues that she constantly deals with. Last month, she had a hysterectomy as a last resort to getting a handle on her terrible mentrual cycle. So, of course, my mother's doting lately is very much so deserved. Weird enough, it was my sister who reminded me that the procedure she had done was very similar to a woman getting a C-Section and the recovery process is pretty much identical. Ready for the fun part? I had a C-Section when I had my son and NO ONE took care of me. I was living with my mom at the time and my son was still in the hospital when I was discharged (he was a preemie). At the time, my mother had stopped working and was helping her elderly aunt during the day. My sister came to get me from the hospital and bought me home. She had her own apartment at the time and had to go back to work. So the day I was discharged, four days after being cut open and delivering a premature child, I was at home, alone, fending for myself. I actually laid on my bed and cried for at least an hour after my sis dropped me off and I label that as my lonliest moment EVER in my life so far. And I was by myself everyday thereafter and still manage to drag my ass right back up to the hospital that same day to sit by my baby's incubater.

 Now, there is no doubt in my mind that if I had been my sister, my mom would have found a way to be there to take care of her. No. Doubt. At ALL. But, I never made a fuss about it.

And there are so many stories that I have like this, yet, I admit, that is the most severe. And the most painful now that I compare my experience to my sister's. The funny part is that my sister hates to be babied* and is as strong, if not stronger, than I, so it's not even a matter of my mom thinking my sister needs her more. It's just a blatant favortism.


*sigh*


Ok, so what led to this you ask? Last weekend (Sunday) I woke up hung over from Saturday night's events. I went downstairs where my sister was and my mom was in the kitchen and said she was making my sister a fried egg and asked if I wanted one. I jumped on the bandwagon and said yea figuring I needed something in my system, I was in no shape to cook or go out to get something, and this would be the ONLY time I could get my mom to cook at will like that. I eat my egg, go upstairs and sleep for a few hours. I get up later go down and I'm still feelng crappy so I asik my mom to make me another egg. Keep in mind I NEVER ask her to do ANYthing for me. She tells me to get out of here then says she'll do it in a minute. She makes the egg for me, I make a slice of toast and eat. I tell her thank you, give her kisses and go back to bed. Fastforward to earlier today when my sister tells me that my mother was bitching and complaining about making me the egg saying that I know damn well I could've done it myself, yada, yada, yada. WHAT???? A fucking fried egg??? The shit didn't even have cheese on it and I made my own damn toast and you complaining. SMCH.


I know that seems minor..but there's so much other shit that just makes this last straw. Like when I was thisclose to getting evicted from my apartment before, somehow managed to come up with 3 months back rent with no job and all I needed was $4oo in late fees or they were locking me out the next day. My mom had just gotten a refund check from school and I asked her if I could borrow it until my sister got paid the following week b/c she was going to loan me the money. My moms' response? "Do you really need it? I had plans for that money." *blank stare* Did I mention that they were going to LOCK ME OUT THE NEXT DAY??? Even my sister was like "I don't even know why you asked her, next time just come straight to me"
Gee, I don't knw I guess I was figuring that as my MOTHER she would help me being that she was perfectly able to and all. Silly me...

So yea...I'm bout tired of her shit....apartment hunting has officially begun...

*Or so she claims, but that's another blog. "Sister, Sister" blog coming soon...

Talk about a bad habit....

Yea so, I had the PLEASURE of seeing "Obama" last night. Let's just say I'll be having alot of flashbacks similar to this*:

....Including  Carrie's "D'oh!" moment at the end.

*sighs*

If ever there was a time to get a sex session on film.... SMH...I can't even...mmm...mmm...mmm......

Introducing: "The Boyfriend" {Pt. Deux}

After he has my number stored in his phone, he gives my phone back to me, tells me he'll text me in 10 minutes and peels off, busts a uwey and speeds in the opposite direction. I just stand there annoyed that he managed to do it to me again. Fifteen minutes later, I'm sitting on the bus and I get a text that reads, "So when are you going to let me lick you". I suck my teeth b/c I know that he means lick my face and not anywhere interesting and so  I text him back, "See?? Childish shit like this is the reason why you didn't have my new number. Please stop wasting my unlimited texts with this juvenile bullshit!!!"

We honestly go back and forth texting like this for a few days. Him asking to see me or asking why I stopped calling and me reminding him in great detail why I'm not beat. After about a week of this he calls and tells me that he likes me and yada, yada, yada but I wouldn't sleep with him so he never put real effort into getting me. What kind of high school shit is that??? Uh...duh...ever think that you not making any real effort is why I have no interest in sleeping with you??? 'Ole backwards as nicca. Smch

Anyway, we'd go out a few times after that, but I was so caught up in TK* that I henstly didn't study 'Boyfriend" to much. He became my boyfriend one day while we were on the phone and he was running on and on about...well..I don't really remember b/c I wasn't listening "shrug". But anyway, I cut him off and told him that if he expected me to sit and listen to him bitch and moan about every little thing that went wrong in his everyday life, he would have to be my boyfriend. I also told him that I would from then on introduce myself as his girlfriend to anyone he introduced me too and get just as crazy as a girlfriend would should he do any thing I deemed unboyfriend like. He obliged.

He also started to act like an actual boyfriend for a few weeks there..until...The Facebook Fiasco. SMH

*sighs*

Now, "Boyfriend" and I had actually become facebook friends about two weeks after I saw him that day by the bus stop. The first time I go to look at his page I see that he is listed as "In a Relationship" with some young looking girl named Nataya. So, being that he always up in my grill, I question him about it. He tells me that he doesn't mess with her anymore but he doesn't know how to take it down so he gotta wait for his cousin to come do it, yada, yada, yada. I see it for what it is (a bunch of bullshit) but I don't really care seeing as how at this time"TK" and I are still soaking up the sheets something proper. So I drop it and less than a week later he takes his relationshp status down completely. I guess he assumed that I would take this as confirmation that he and old girl weren't together anymore. Silly boy...the fact that he took it down completely let me know they were still together, otherwise he would have listed his status as "single". But, I let him think he got that one. As the weeks go on, he's really getting into this whole "boyfriend" role: sending me texts telling me he loves me misses me, is thinking about me, blah, blah, blah.

Around this time is when I decided that I would stop dealing with "TK's" lying ass and become an evil vixen, so I turn my evil on and start to facebook flirt with him. He facebook flirts back and I start to think maybe he did stop messing with her after all since he doesn't seem to be afraid of the fact that we can both see each other on his page. Turns out, he was just stupid and didn't think that far in advance. So sad... I send him a notification to list the two of us in a relationship as a test and he drags his ass accepting it.

While perusing his page one day, I notice that Nataya has left comments on some of his threads that would make it seem as if they were still together, or, at the very least still cool. For instance, there was a comment some chick left on one of his pics that said how sexy he looked. Right underneath that was a comment from Nataya (The "ex") saying for 'Boyfriend" to "check his groupies". Both comments were left after I told him he was my boyfriend and waaay after the two of them had allegedly broken up mind you.

Now, a few weeks prior, we were arguing over him not getting the drawers and we were saying we should just call the whole thing off and he told me "I'll just go back to my ex that never did anything to me and that I left to see what was up with you". Ok, so if you and this girl were just fine until one day you broke up with her unexpectedely, why is she still so ok with it that 1- she's still your friend on facebook and 2- she's stilll leaving comments as if she loves you? Shouldn't her face still be somewhere buried in a pillow with tears flowing from her eyes? And didn't you tell me before that ya'll had been broken up before we even started to speak again so how did you leave her for me??? Anyway, I keep all of this to myself and secretly plot to bring him down. I learned along time ago to not let the enemy know all that I know or my next move.

So he tells me about a trip he had planned already to the Poconos and asks me to come. I decline (like he knew I would). I don't hear from him from Friday when he left until the Sunday when he gets back. He tells me he didn't get service up there and, on top of that, he forgot his phone charger at home so his battery died. Smch Yea, whatever nicca.

He gets back and he has a trip planned for the following weekend as well. (all of these plans were made months in advance) so his week is spent getting prepared for the cruise. I see him here and there. He leaves on Friday (the same night that I was chillin with Obama (click the link if u missed that) so I didn't get to see him before he left. He calls me Saturday  and we talk and he tells me how mad he is that he didn't have time to see me all week and that when he gets back I'm staying with him. *blank stare/yawn* . Anyway, I go on facebook after we get off the phone and see that his "ex" has written, "FU!!!! And I'm so serious!" on his wall. I call him back and ask why shorty is mad. He says, "I don't know and I don't give a fuck!". He says it with such conviction and a bass in his voice that I didn't even know he had, that I drop it. I check again about an hour later and see that she has now written, "I love you MORE!!!". I hit the "like" button and send him a text that says,  "I see you still on your bullshit. You can play those games without me. No need to respond. Dueces."

The next morning I get to work and see that 'Boyfriend's" "ex" has sent me a friend request on facebook.....

To be continued....

P.s- What does that pic have to do with the story? That is Motomoto form Madagascar 2. "Boyfriend" remind me of him- Big and Sexy. lol I actually called him Moto as a pet name at the height of our "relationship"

*He called me from a blocked number about a week ago talmbout, "What up" like shit was sweet. When I didn't give him the enthusiasm I guess he'd become accustomed to, he told me he'd call me back. Haven't heard from him since...

Introducing: "The Boyfriend"

So remember that part in the movie "Norbit" when Resputia and Norbit first met and she was like, 'You got a boyfriend, Norbit? Well, you do now!!"" Yea, that's pretty much what I did to "Boyfriend". Not because he was so great and I wanted him on my team, but because I had known him for years and he never made a move and I got tired of him wasting my time. Let me start from the beginning...

It was December of 2005 or 2006 and my son was in NC with his sperm donor for the Christmas break*. I was walking to get me something to eat one night and I heard a car horn honking. Not to be conceited, but I'm used to this and I usually just ignore whatever rude ass is honking for my attention like I'm some street walking hooker. This guy takes my ignoring him as a sign that he should stick his head out the window and tell me how good I look. I keep walking and pay him no mind. He drives about a block ahead of me, stops his car (in the middle of the street), gets out with his cell in his hand and yells to me that he's not moving until I give him my number and it better be the right one (his exact words). Now, I've always been the type to try my best to avoid scenes, I hate for people to look at me so you'll rarely catch me yelling in public or doing something that would draw eyes to me. So please believe him doing this mortified me to no end...there were at least three cars behind him that couldn't go around him because of oncoming traffic in the other lane. So, I gave him my number and he stood there and did not move his car until he dialed my cell and saw that the number was valid. Yes, I got jacked for my number and amazingly it was not his last time doing this...

Anywho, he and I started to speak on the phone and I got the impression that he was an MOB (money over bitches) kinda dude. He was always "working"** and didn't really seem interested in spending anytime getting to know me, despite the fact that we would sometimes spend hours on the phone. Somehow he became a constant figure in my life despite me seeing him only sporadically. And usually when I did see him it would be him calling to see if I was home because he was around my block. I'd then go downstairs and either sit in the car with him and shoot the shit for a little while (if my son was asleep) or just stand at my front door so he could get a quick hug or something. He wasn't allowed in my house because I didn't want him meeting my son.

He always seemed extremely young minded to me despite being just one year my junior. Sure he had money and cars and all of that, so financially he was mature, but emotionally ...well...he was kind of retarded in that area. I got the feeling that I intimidated him and that made me self-conscious. He would always compliment me on how pretty I was but it always sounded more like an accusation than a compliment: "Yo! You are so fucking pretty!" . He won me over one day when were on the phone a little after midnight and he was around a bunch of his friends with a shitload of noise in the background. He was saying how he was so busy and didn't have a moment to himself and I was like, "We'll you need to find time to come give me a hug." I'd had a rough day and I really did need a hug, but I was just bullshitting when I said it to him, figuring that there was no way he come- especially considering that at the time we were talking he was two cities and at least 30 minutes away. So, to make my demand even more outlandish, I said "Yea, come give me a hug...and bring me a pint of Shrimp Lo Mein w/ extra veggies...and extra soy sauce..ooh..and a twix..ooh ooh and a quart of milk for my son's breakfast in the morning....oh yea and a pepsi- bottle not canned..." Just to be funny. I honestly thought that with all the noise in the back and him carrying on at least two other convos, he wouldn't even hear me, much less oblige. To my surprise, he called me about 45 minutes later and told me to come outside. As soon as I opened the door, he grabbed my in his arms and gave me the longest, strongest hug he had ever given me., Then, before I could say anything he handed me a bag with everything I'd asked for in it. Silly as it seems, that right there let me know that I just may have pegged him wrong and perhaps he wasn't all "money over broads" after all.

We went on like this for a few months and in that time he got more comfortable with touching me. (this was at least a year into us knowing one another. We'd never had sex and he really never acted like it was something he wanted to do). I would get mad because he would hug me and then try to lick my face. It was like a joke to him, but it grossed me out and we'd stop talking for months on end after that. Petty, I know, but it REALLY grossed me out and I'd asked him repeatedly not to do it. Plus, it was creepy. *shivers* And every time he did it was if he’d only done it because he couldn’t stop himself. He always said that I did “something weird to him”.

During one of our stints of not talking, he called me (after 3-4 months) and let me know that he would be going "away"*** for a year or so. He and I started talking again casually and I found out he had a girlfriend. If memory serves me correctly, I think his daughter's mother (they weren't together) had called my phone and tried to start some fuckery thinking that I was his girlfriend, "Keisha". Now, it wasn't the fact that he was seeing someone that bothered me; it was that I felt bamboozled somehow because he never struck me as the have-a-girlfriend type. He just always seemed so...high school. As if he and all of his stupid ass friends thought girls were icky. *shrugs*

Anyway, he "went away" and we'd write letters to one another. In one of the letters I let him know how I felt about him having a girl and that I was confused as to what I was in his life for. He then let me know about all of these "feelings" he had for me, despite the fact that the two of them were still together. Somehow, he managed to get some sort of work release thing where he was able to leave the cage and go to work during the day. He also managed to have access to a car to do this and started to pick me up from work and take me to me to get my son through the week. I remember me starting a bunch of "where is this going?" conversations with him that led no where. After awhile, Mr. Big came back into the picture and I stopped being beat to play with him so we lost contact. I had seen him around and whenever he'd ask for my number I'd go into a big spiel about him wasting my time and it usually ended with us leaving without exchanging contact info again.

I think I went about a year without seeing him until the end of last year when my son and I were walking to the bus stop one morning and I heard a horn honking as we crossed the street. As usual, I ignored it until I heard a man's voice call my name. I turned around and in the driver's seat of one of those vans that pick up and drop off the elderly and disabled to their doctors was "Boyfriend". I was actually pleasantly surprised to see him. Since I was in a rush to catch our bus, I gave him my new number (I change cell numbers quite often). He called me about 20 minutes later and we got caught up. We started talking regularly again and I told him as often as I could that I would not be letting him waste my time this go around. We went out to dinner and movies a few times, and I even decided that he could actually come in my house and chill every now and then. Even still, I noticed that he seemed to have very little time for me. So, when I moved out of my apartment in May and changed all of my numbers, he was one of the people that didn't make the cut and I virtually dropped off the face of the Earth to him.

Come to think of it, the specific thing that solidified me not keeping him around was a convo we'd had. He had told me when we started talking again that he was looking for a new apartment. Then he didn’t mention it again until a few months later when out of no where, he told me he'd moved into the apartment building on the corner of my block. At first I thought he was bullshittng, but he kept saying how he needed to clean the place up so that he could move his stuff in and would I come up the block some time that weekend to help him and he was very convincing. The convo about his apartment lasted about an hour… just for him to then tell me that he was just joking and was still looking for an apartment. What?!?!? You mean you wasted my time again??? A whole conversation about a lie?? Are you kidding me? Who does that??? So yea, that was the main reason he didn't make the cut when I moved.

Fast forward to early July of this year, I'm at the bus stop and this baby blue Benz stops in front of me. I ignore it and after awhile, the passenger side winow rolls down and lo and behold, it's "Boyfriend" (usually he drives a black Acura, I still have no clue how many/ and what kind of cars he has total). Anyway, the first words out his mouth are "I've been looking all over for you!" Knowing that he knows where my mom lives and that I was just a few blocks away from her house (since this is where I moved to), I was immediately creeped out. Was this motherfreaker just driving around aimlessly looking for me???? At this point I was standing near the passenger side door as we were talking and I'd had my phone in my hand. Somehow along our convo-which consisted mainly of him asking why I dropped off radar and me telling him all the ways he'd wasted my time- I'd rested my arms on the door. Before I could even realize it, he had snatched my phone out of my hand and was dialing his number from my phone so that he could have my new number. Dammit, jacked again...!!!!

To be continued....

* (I know it seems as if I never have my son, but that's the farthest thing from the truth. Fact of the matter is, his donor is a waste of the skin that covers his body but that's another blog...)

**Yes, drugs.

***Yes, jail.

Pieces of Me

First things first, as you can see I made some changes to the place. After my recent discovery of how trifling I've become my newfound independence from expectations, I realized I’m feeling less cute, giggly girl and more sexy, seductive woman. So I kinda wanted my blog to have a black lacquer, glass, leather, bachelorette vibe, and less of a cozy bubblegum one, feel me? Hope you guys likey…

Moving on…

So when I started this blog, I knew that one of the main things I wanted to do on here was to finally acknowledge the ambiguity that is me. I am such a walking contradiction that it even amazes me sometimes. Like everyone else, I have so many hats that I wear on a daily basis. As the youngest of four daughters, with the closest in age being 9yrs my senior, I am the perpetual baby of my family. Growing up it was if I had four moms instead of a mom and 3 sisters. By the time I was in 4th or 5th grade they were all living on their own and doing their own thing, so it was just me, my mom and my step dad. This left me virtually up to my own devices since my mom was pretty much done with the whole “mothering” thing after my sisters. Hell, she had my oldest sister when she was 17, so I can kinda understand her saying fuck it  being less hands on with me. I learned early on that as long as I did what I was supposed to: made good grades, respected my elders, didn't walk around acting like a hood rat, etc, I could basically do whatever  pleased.

One would think that my older, wiser sisters would see this and come in and pick up some of the slack. Nope. They were busy running the streets starting careers and families of their own. Now, don't get me wrong, the sister closest to me in age, "Kim" was around..hell her and my oldest kinda took turns moving back home whenever things got too tough in the real world. But anyway, yea, Kim was around, but her job was to spoil me. She made sure I saw all the latest movies, had spending money and name brand bags. But the whole woman-to-woman talk stuff...yea, never got any of that. In fact, to this day I don't talk to my sisters about sex and I give 'Kim" the look whenever she talks about her and her husband. Yes, our relationship has gone from little sister/big sister to a more adult relationship but...well...she ain't ready. I keep telling her, if you keep trying to tell me abuot your sex life, I promise you I'll tell you about mine and I doubt if you really wanna know that much about me. lol

But yea, I don’t talk to my sisters about my dating life at all and I have an unspoken understanding with them that my outside life is what it is and what it is is none of their beeswax. I also don’t curse around them (or my mom of course) despite the fact that I have one of the foulest mouths EVER. I lost it in front of "Kim" and my mom one time while I was cursing out my sister's babydaddy's mother when I was 17 (another story for another day), so they know what I'm capable of, but I feel as if speaking to them like I do my friends would be disrespectful, no matter how old I am. I feel this changing VERY soon, but for now, 'tis what it is.

I say all of that to say that this Enigma that you guys get a glimpse of is me at my rawest. Lately I have noticed that *insert government name here* and Enigma are becoming the same person and I am loving it.

I'm finally moving away from what is "safe: and exploring a more adventurous life that I'd previously been too "good" to partake in. Prime example, being the uber girlie-girl that I am, I have a standing appointment with Tony Li to get my nails and my toeses did. Usually, I'm a french tip girl all the way. But the last time I went in, I got a purple solar stone set on my nails and then this past weekend I went back and decided that my toes were feeling more hot pink and less french:

Ain't they sparkly???

Everything real, I only got this color on my toes b/c it's winter and my feet stay covered.

 I doubt that even the wild and crazy free me would do this in the flip-flop wearing summer. lol And yes, the fact that they don't match is yet another "new" for me.

*Follow me on Twitter:  www.twitter.com/enigmawho

Sooo... I'm on Twitter now...

Care to "follow" me?

http://twitter.com/Enigmawho ....You're ALL invited!!!

Chow for now...some blogs to come later...

Oh yea...

I just wanna say...I see that I now have 25 followers...I remember when I only had 3...so yea...for the record...I like, I appreciate ya'll and shit...even if most most of ya'll fuckers don't comment. :)

Introducing: The High School Sweetie

So yesterday on facebook I had the pleasure of chatting with my highschool sweetheart who is now a "saved man". He's married with a kabillion kids now, but just a litle less than a year ago he was sniffing around talmbout he was divorced from his wife, wanted to give us another chance, yada yada, yada.  I guess I didn't show as much enthusiasm about rekindling a relationship that had been over for more than a decade, so he got mad and stopped calling. He and his wife "remarried" in Septmember. But I have serious doubts that they ever even seperated. He was just missing me and tryna get the drawers so he said what he thought would work. What he failed to realize is that I'm only a slut when I want to be and that's usualy when I'm penis-deprived for a certain amount of time and steller penis is made aavailable. Then I let my freak flag wave. But, since I didn't not recall him making the Top Five (Dead or Alive) list of past lovers, I wasn't really beat. Plus, I was too mature for him when I was 16 and he was 19, and rom the convos we'd had it didn't appear that much had changed. But, despite that, I was prepared to be friends with him, especially since our communication has been very spotty in the last few years. That was mainly due to the fact that he felt as if I wasn't supposed too have a baby by anyone other than him. This despite the fact that he and I broke up when I was 17 and I didn't have my son until I was 21. But whatever.

Anyway, he and I got into a convo about church and it was quite interesting. It is my belief that if you remove the bible from the equation, many Christians lose their argument. I'll probably get into that more in a future post. But I just realized I'm tired. So until the next time....