*Written for Myspace January 9, 2007
I'm not sure if it's the knowledge that the dreaded Valentine 's Day is but a mere month or so away and I have yet to secure a patsy or that it is one of the few things noticeably absent from my comfortable, almost-perfect life right now. But whatever the reason, LOVE has been on my mind more than usual these days.
Now I'm not talking about the LOVE I reserve for my child, my Mom and my friends and family. I'm talking about that I-cry-when-you-hurt LOVE. That let's –run-our-errands-together-cause-we-don't-wanna-be-apart-for-too-long LOVE. You know . . . ROMANTIC LOVE.
Now, as I mentioned, currently my LOVE life leaves much to be desired (oh,don't cry for me Argentina, my sex life, however, is alive and kicking!). But, I've been decidedly out of LOVE for a little over 5 months now. The crazy thing is that despite the nasty, heart wrenching break-up, I never thought that I regretted the relationship. It was hands down the best relationship that I'd ever been in. In fact, if there is such a thing as a soul mate or a true LOVE, I know that my ex was/(is?) that person. It is for that reason that I was grateful for having even met him. So much so that during a rough patch in our two year relationship, instead of bitching and moaning about what a f*ck up he was, I wrote in my journal and thanked God for allowing me to have met my soul mate, even knowing at the time the he and I would not spend our lives together.
At that time and even for a brief time following our break-up, I truly believe that it was better to have LOVED and lost then to have never LOVED at all. Now I could sit here and write paragraphs and pages about how enchanted our relationship was but, honestly, I feel that doing so would only bastardize what we had. But what I will share is that my ex is the one person that truly knows me and not one of my many representatives and characters that I use to communicate with those around me. He knows Enigma, not hood-Enigma, or college-girl Enigma or the fully-loaded, I-don't-give-a-f*ck -Enigma . . . that man knows ME. All of my many faults and weaknesses that I guard from the world, he knows - and at one point in time he loved, accepted, understood, and could relate to them all.
It was my belief that just knowing that there was one person in this world who really, truly knew me . . . and LOVED me . . . unconditionally . . . despite my imperfections . . . was enough for me. Just having had the opportunity to experience a LOVE and connection of that caliber with someone was all that I needed. That is, until the days turned to nights, and the nights turned cold and then the parade of clowns started to plague my Friday evenings. Anyone who's been there knows that the dating scene in itself sucks. But to feel as if you're wasting your time looking for Mr. Right because you've already met him, and lost him.. .it's hard to not be discouraged.
On one hand, I now know that there is such a thing as a "true LOVE". But, on the other hand, as I lay in my bed alone at night I know what I'm missing. I know that my "soul mate" is out there, he's just not with me and he and I will never be together. Is it any wonder that sometimes I wish that I didn't know? That I didn't have the memories of our time together seared into my brain?
It's not possible to miss something that you don't know exists, but is it really possible to truly exist when you miss something so much? Is it really better to have LOVED and lost than it is to have never LOVED at all?
I'm not sure if it's the knowledge that the dreaded Valentine 's Day is but a mere month or so away and I have yet to secure a patsy or that it is one of the few things noticeably absent from my comfortable, almost-perfect life right now. But whatever the reason, LOVE has been on my mind more than usual these days.
Now I'm not talking about the LOVE I reserve for my child, my Mom and my friends and family. I'm talking about that I-cry-when-you-hurt LOVE. That let's –run-our-errands-together-cause-we-don't-wanna-be-apart-for-too-long LOVE. You know . . . ROMANTIC LOVE.
Now, as I mentioned, currently my LOVE life leaves much to be desired (oh,don't cry for me Argentina, my sex life, however, is alive and kicking!). But, I've been decidedly out of LOVE for a little over 5 months now. The crazy thing is that despite the nasty, heart wrenching break-up, I never thought that I regretted the relationship. It was hands down the best relationship that I'd ever been in. In fact, if there is such a thing as a soul mate or a true LOVE, I know that my ex was/(is?) that person. It is for that reason that I was grateful for having even met him. So much so that during a rough patch in our two year relationship, instead of bitching and moaning about what a f*ck up he was, I wrote in my journal and thanked God for allowing me to have met my soul mate, even knowing at the time the he and I would not spend our lives together.
At that time and even for a brief time following our break-up, I truly believe that it was better to have LOVED and lost then to have never LOVED at all. Now I could sit here and write paragraphs and pages about how enchanted our relationship was but, honestly, I feel that doing so would only bastardize what we had. But what I will share is that my ex is the one person that truly knows me and not one of my many representatives and characters that I use to communicate with those around me. He knows Enigma, not hood-Enigma, or college-girl Enigma or the fully-loaded, I-don't-give-a-f*ck -Enigma . . . that man knows ME. All of my many faults and weaknesses that I guard from the world, he knows - and at one point in time he loved, accepted, understood, and could relate to them all.
It was my belief that just knowing that there was one person in this world who really, truly knew me . . . and LOVED me . . . unconditionally . . . despite my imperfections . . . was enough for me. Just having had the opportunity to experience a LOVE and connection of that caliber with someone was all that I needed. That is, until the days turned to nights, and the nights turned cold and then the parade of clowns started to plague my Friday evenings. Anyone who's been there knows that the dating scene in itself sucks. But to feel as if you're wasting your time looking for Mr. Right because you've already met him, and lost him.. .it's hard to not be discouraged.
On one hand, I now know that there is such a thing as a "true LOVE". But, on the other hand, as I lay in my bed alone at night I know what I'm missing. I know that my "soul mate" is out there, he's just not with me and he and I will never be together. Is it any wonder that sometimes I wish that I didn't know? That I didn't have the memories of our time together seared into my brain?
It's not possible to miss something that you don't know exists, but is it really possible to truly exist when you miss something so much? Is it really better to have LOVED and lost than it is to have never LOVED at all?
2 comments:
I had a similar type of relationship, but I definitely came out of it wishing I had never loved at all. I hated the fact that I'd met someone who could love me so good...and then lose it all. I'm trying to get over that type of thinking though, but those years ago, i'd never felt a pain so raw and I felt like, if this is the outcome, why bother?
That pretty much sums up where my head and heart are at now. I only know love that ends, so why even try to play for keeps any more. I don't want to have that bitter ass mind set but. . . .
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