C'mon son/Enigma drives these niggas crazy

I got the funniest voicemail ever from this dude on Saturday. I had given him my number over the summer only to learn that he in the halfway house and had been out on a weekend pass when we met. We'd first met in July and his release date was for early September. Needless to say, the conversation that revealed that little tidbit was the last one he had with me where there was not much 'tude radiating from the other end. Even after my attitude change, he proceeded to do his best to woo me. This included sending me love notes. *insert blank stare here*

These "love notes" were actually "poems" inspired by yours truly. Notice the use of those there (" '') thingies? Yea? Well that's because them damned things weren't no effing poems, they were just a bunch of words on a piece of paper. I know, who am I to critique the work of a true arteest, right? We'll I'll dig one up for ya'll so ya'll can see what I mean. One that comes to mind started with "When I wake up in a flirtatious mood, yada, yada, yada" Just wait and see...ya boy can write some fuckery.

Anyway, he has proven that he got jokes, mostly without him even trying. Did I mention that he rarely calls me by the (fake) name that I gave him? Nope, old boy prefers to instead call me his little "Strawberry Shortcake flavor of the month" or his "Caramel Delight flavor of the month" or "Insert name of gooey delicious dessert treat here" followed by....you guessed it..."flavor of the month". To make it worse, he always talks to me in the sing-songy, whispery voice that is just weird considering that he's the size of Shrek.

First of all, who the F**K wants to be referred to as any body's "flavor of the month"??? Second of all, who the f**k gave you my number....wait...what's that you say??? I did??? Oh ... well.... why the f**k do you insist on calling when I've made it quite obvious that my favorite daydream is that of an anvil dropping on your head right in the middle of you reciting your "poetry" ???? smch

Anyway, the day they release him, he calls me and says "Hey my little Butterscotch Krumket flavor of the month. I'm home ...so now we can be together." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I proceeded to laugh so hard and so loudly that the poor guy had no choice but to hang up.

SMH.

I know, I'm a bitch, but I have never once denied this, in fact, I often brag about it, so there :-P

You would think that he'd get sick of my shit once he was out and the amount of panties to conquer was limitless, but no, he kept on trying with me. He would call randomly, and ask me to meet him somewhere and my response would always be "I can't, I just washed my hair". (Yes, I know in my profile it says I pride myself on being a good liar, and I am. However, he wasn't even worth me wasting the good lies on.)

Anyway, last Friday he called me while I was at work and said he would be in my neck of the woods after work and wanted to know if we could meet for a sec. Now, since I had told him during our first meeting that one of the dudes who was know on the inside and out in civilization for being balls out NUTS (and who he seemed to be afraid of) was like a brother to me, I in no way felt threatened by dude, so I told him sure. He was supposed to be meeting with his attorney so I told him to call me when he was leaving the attorney's office. Since it would be about a 30 minute drive, i figured this would give me enough time to get re-dressed since I usually come home from work and get naked and hang up my half-wig.

So later that evening, as I'm shooting the shit with one of my nieces, he calls and says he's around the corner. I hate when people don't listen, don't you? Anyway, after giving him the teeth sucking of a lifetime, I tell him I'll be over in a minute. Now, I know some of you may be wondering why I even bothered. Well, honestly, I wanted to see him again to see if he was worth me ever speaking to again. I mean, there was a reason why I'd given him my number in the first place, right? (You know, besides the fact that at the time I didn't know he was convict or a loon).

So I walk around the corner and I see this dude walking towards my hood. Screeeeech. Pump the brakes, homie!!! The place I'd told him to meet me was around the corner and THREE BLOCKS AWAY from my hood. WTF was he doing RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER????

And had the nerve to still be walking like he was coming TO my hood. As if that wasn't grounds enough for me to get Kaycee, the local crack head to f**k him up, dude had the audacity, the unmitigated gall to be wearing RED sweatpants, a white tee w/ a RED long john shirt half on and a RED wave cap to top it off....?? Did I mention that i live in the H O O D??? Now, I don't give a fuck about any colors but those of gummi bears (i prefer the green ones) and condoms (if you can't fit the one in the gold wrappers, I am not the girl for you), but I am quite certain of many dudes in my area that do care very much so about colors. And who the hell rocks red sweatpants anyway???

I walk up on him figuring I'll just turn him around. When he sees me, he opens his arms for a hug and me, always a sucker for a bear hug from an actual live bear gives him one. My nostrils were immediately assaulted and my tiny nose hairs singed from the stench of beer coming off this dude. It smelled as if he'd took a bath in about 40 tall cans of Coors Light and then splashed on the finest Miller Light cologne he could find. I immediately put my hands up to his chest to back him up. When I did this he said "Here you go with this dumb shit..!" to which I replied "Nigga what???" He kept on saying "Nothin" and walked a little passed me towards the direction I had just come from. I, still in shock over his smell, was still facing the opposite direction with my mouth open when i felt him mush my head ever so gently and mumble "Something something BITCH" as he crossed the street and walked back in the direction he'd come from.

Still in shock I laughed loud as hell and told him that he had 20 seconds before I yelled for the goon squad (who were just around the corner out of sight). He didn't say anything else or turn around but the sight of seeing his big ass imitating a crack head at 3 in the morning* with that extremely brisk walk he was doing was PRICELESS. I didn't even bother to call on my dudes because they tend to go hard just for the fun of it and I really don't need any felony murder or conspiracy charges on my plate right now.

You would think that that would be the end of it...but no...you'd be wrong.

He called me ten minutes later (I don't know how, but he was already at the train station that was at least 15-20 minutes away by car, 30-45 minutes away by bus). He apologized profusely to which I replied "Nigga you must be out you're rabbit ass mind if you think shit is sweet. Call my phone again and see what happens" and hung up**.

Think it ends there? You'd again be wrong.

SMH

This Saturday I get a letter from him apologizing again and asking that I forgive him and that he never meant for me to see his "dark" (read: drunk) side and that he doesn't want to make an enemy of me. Mmmm hmmm....

Later that day, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. I ignore it and send it to voicemail and forget about it until I go to lunch today. So as I'm waiting on my order from my favorite little taco cart full of Mexicans, I finally remember and listen to the voicemail. It's Six Four and HE"S SINGING. I don't recognize the lyrics until he gets to the chorus and sings ''Hellllllooooo? Is it meeee you're looking foooooooorrrrrr...?????"

ROTFLMMFBAO!!!!

So

many

questions!!

Like... Who does that????, what guy under 35 do you know that knows the actual lyrics to a friggin;' Lionel Richard song??? Why would THAT be the song that makes him think about ME??? Who's watching him??? What slacker ass cleared him for release back into civilization????

iCan't. iWon't. and Dammit, iShouldn'thaveto!!!!!

SMH

I can't make this stuff up, man.. C"MON SON!!!

*You ever see a crack head walking the streets in the wee hours of the morning? I have no idea why, by they walk extremely fast. Funniest sight ever! lol

**I received this phone call while in the presence of my niece who, no doubt , now thinks...excuse me...knows that her Auntie is a "G" lol