Just when I thought it was safe to exhale...

Our talk had worked wonders for my new-found insecurity issues. But that was short-lived. On Monday when he picked me up from work, Obama informed me that he would drop me off and see me later because he was going to go sit with his daughter until she went to sleep because she wasn't feeling well.

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Yea...about as long as it took you to scroll down is about as long as it took me to manage to say chhoke out a soft "Ok, babe" in response. Hours later my son was in bed and Obama was still gone. Even though it couldn't have been more than 3 hrs or so that had passed, I had already admitted defeat. As far as I was concerned, they had talked and patched up their relationship in hour two (because hour one was all about the baby) and now, hour three, they were sweating up the sheets. I had a drink and let the alcohol put me to sleep. When I woke up a short time later, I was facing my couch cushions. I could hear the television on, but no movement, no Obama. I was about to go into a crying fit and destroy all my own shit (ladies why DO we do that in movies? lol) when I heard, "Hey sleepyhead. You looked so tired I didn't want to wake you up.."

I turned around and there he was, in his drawers, playing X-box, bear in hand, chilling, at "home" (where his heart is).

Side-piece side effects

Even after hearing him say that I was perfect for him, I diddn't really process what he was telling me. I still expected him to get up and leave after a few hours. I still expected to NOT see him until the following weekend. In fact, I expected him to be like alot of guys I've encountered and just come tell me what he figured I wanted to hear and continue to do the same here-one-day-home-the-next bullish that he had been doing.

He sure fooled me.

Not only did he stay that night, but we got into a daily routine that always ended with me in his arms. He would go and see his daughter daily, and every time I would wait for the call saying he wouldn't be back tonight or that he'd catch up with me Saturday or something.

Truth is - I'm traumatized after losing him just when I'd made the decision to stop being apprehensive about my feelings for him. I notice that I'm uneasy around him sometimes because I don't know how to just be around him. My feelings are so strong and I am sooo certain about them that I'm frightened by my own emotions. Emotions I didn't even think I could have after the way my saga with Mr. Big  ended. Which is one of the main reasons why I truly thought that I could have a fling with Obama and not get attached. As far as I was concerned, my heart was something to help me stay alive, no longer something to make me feel.

But he slipped in. And now I'm afraid of losing him. I'm afraid of feeling all of the hurt and pain I felt after losing* Mr. Big.

However, things seem to be different this time around on the rollercoaster that is love.

This time around, I have been blessed enough to fall in love with a man that not only has no problem with discussing his feelings, but that initiates the discussion to boot! All of last week, I could not stop the anxiety over losing him again from smothering me. I kept trying to figure out in my head how long he'd stay in really silly ways ("Let's see.... they broke up a month ago and last time they were broken up for two weeks, but a whole month before that...so maybe I'll have at least another week or so of this...")

It really was getting to me and apparently, it showed. He started saying that I was being mean to him (not mean "mean", but popping shit a tad more than usual). I thought about it and realized that I was so pre-occupied with trying to determine how long before he would leave, that I stopped putting in all of the effort I once had to have him wanting to stay. I think somewhere in my mind, I shut down when shit got real with us. Again, my behavior change wasn't anything major, just little things... like me pouting on Friday when he told me he was going out. Not because I was afraid he would cheat, not because he hadn't spent quality time with me (and my son) during the week, but because I was just being a brat. *shrugs*

And instead of going out, he stayed with me and made it a blockbuster night. But even while he was sitting on my couch, holding me in his arms as we watched the movie, I still pouted at the mere fact that he'd even thought about leaving me (for the night). Even then, he kissed my pouty face, laughed, and told me to stop being a meanie. When that didn't work he yelled, "Yo, you got me already, don't start the bullshit now!!" all the time laughing and trying to kiss my face that I was busy trying to bury under his arm from embarrassment. He was totally right. I was fucking tripping. lol

The next morning I rolled over and he was right there. Wide awake. He grabbed me in his arms and layed my head on his chest and just started talking.

The first thing he said to me was that since the time he realized that he and I had the potential to be more, he knew that didn't want to go from her to me with no time in between relationships. Confused, I told him that technically he hadn't. I mean yea, he was in essence living with me by then and treating me as if we were in a relationship, but uh... I never got no note asking me to circle "yes" or "no", so how could we already be in a relationship???? I wondered this to myself as he continued talking. He then told me he didn't want to live with me..he said this as he kissed my lips to prevent the frown that he knew would no doubt appear from fully forming. He then went on to explain that he had told his daughter's mother (when they broke up) that he didn't want any dudes around his daughter, especially not before she could talk. He then asked how he could ask that of her and not follow suit? So, yes, he would definitely need his own living quarters in order to see his daughter without having to go to Her house to do so. Because, as he put it, "I need to wake up to my Tiny some mornings."

He  proceeded to tell me about a number of apartments he has lined up to go see and his timeline for everything- apartment by December. In the very next breath he said that we should do something for New Year's...host a dinner party or something.

Me, I was too busy thinking about only having him until December to focus on the fact that he still planned on being around thru New Year's.

Yea.... definitely traumatized... :-/

He went on to tell me the reason he'd left for good (that bitch crazy). Hearing that helped alot because one of my main concerns was that I would never feel as if he was truly mine until their relationship played out completely. I had told him repeatedly in the last few months that I wanted him to give that relationship his all so that there would be fear of him going back and forth.  After what he told me about their end, I was slightly more secure with believing he was finally mine.




To be continued...


*Yes, I do feel as if I "lost" him - not because I don't know where to find him, but because that nigga is dead to me now.

And then.....*updated* (slightly)

He called me the next night and i think defeated would be the best word to describe how he sounded. I could hear the pain in his voice when very first thing he said was "So you're running from me now?". I explained to him that I hadn't changed my number because I didn't want him to call me, but rather so that I would stop waiting for him to call. He got quiet after that and I asked him about the work on my car. When his friend told him my back breaks didn't need to be repaired, he took the the change from the rest of the repairs ( about 30 buck or so) and bought the fluids that often need to be replenished of which I had none (ie windshield wiper fluid, steering wheel fluid, oil, etc). He'd told me that was something he planned on doing just so I can have the stuff "in case" but with all of his back and forth....

Anyway, our conversation ended suddenly when his daughter began crying and he put me on hold. He took so long that I just hung up and he never called back.

The master plan that I'd concocted didn't exactly work. Ok, so I got answers about the car situation, but let's be real, that was never really too high on my importance list where he is concerned. Where was the whining and begging me to take him back? Why wasn't he taking this time to profess his undying love to me and assure me that I was the only one for him??

I didn't hear from him again until two whole days later. I happened to look at my phone and saw I had a missed call from Obama's friend's phone. I'd love to say that I stood my ground and just ignored it, but no, I called back. When he got on the phone all he said was "I need to see you". I told him a time and he was there.

For the first hour or so, we sat quietly as we sipped the drinks he'd made us with idle chit-chat about current events here and there. I was the picture of calm and patience on the outside, but inside I was a complete wreck:

 Why come here and even entertain the thought of us discussing our feelings if you had no intentions of doing so?!?! I know you don't think you getting no booty!!!! Why aren't you saying anything?? I spilled my guts to you the last time we were face 2 face and now you're sitting here all calm as if it never happened!! I swear fo Lord if you don't tell me how you feel .... - !!

"You're too perfect for me and that scares the shit out of me."

I was so busy losing my mind and curing him out in my head that I didn't notice him staring at me intently and smiling to himself as he saw me trying to play cool and act as if I wasn't about to snap. I looked up suddenly, startled, when I heard his voice. He said it so matter-of-factly, as if this was something he shouldn't have to verbalize in order for me to know it to be the God's honest truth. 

I immediately began to name some of my many faults to debunk this silly notion of perfection that he appeared to have. He laughed softly, looked me in my eye and told me that all of those faults and so much more is exactly what made me perfect...for him.

"You're a good woman that does what I do, how can I walk away from that?"

That was three weeks ago, and we have been inseparable since.
****************************UPDATE***********************************

I forgot to mention whhen I originally posted what it was that let me know he loved me the wa I have always said Iwanted a guy to love me. He told me that his friend had accidently erased my number after I'd spoken to Obama about the car. He said after yelling at dude (smile) he called the phone company (his friend's phone company, mind you) toget my number. That's some shit I would do to get in contact with someone I love. I have ALWAYS told my friends that I need a dude that would go thru the same lengths for me as I would for him. I think I found him.

OAN - during that same convo I bought up how him not having a phone is an issue for me - regardless of who he called himself being with. He got one the next day. I speak, he listens and reacts accordingly. I love it. And him. :)

And then what had happened was...

As soon as my number was changed, I began to lose my entire mind. I missded he and knowing that he couldn't reach me over the telephone and I couldn't reach him...yea, it was all too much too soon.

I started doubting myself. "Should I have waited just a lil while longer? I mean, I am making the man choose between something he has always known that he wanted for his life and me...something he never planned on taking seriously. I couldn't have waited a whole damn week at least??" But then rational Enigma would kick in, "Shit I ain't ask him to move in, I just asked that he tell me how he feels about me. This nukka want me to be satisfied with only having parts of him and I can't even know how he really feels about me? I mean damn, I can get down with being a sucker for love, but I'll be damned if I'm a sucker for just some peen!" Hmph!

Anywho, both insane and rational Enigma got together and decided to call one of Obama's best friends - a mere two days after changing my number. The call was guised as me asking him about repairs he'd done to my car. I got "T" to call him on her phone on the three-way so that he woudln't have my new number and give it to Obama. To be clear, at that point I really just wanted to know if Obama had tried to call me or not. I still didn't necessarily want him to have my new number or give in without my demand (yes, demand) that he tell me his feelings for me being met. I just wanted to see if he knew my number was changed.

It became apparent one I told his friend who I was that Obama had in fact tried to call. His boy started laughing and was like , "Damn why you change your number on my boy?? You got this nigga walking around like somebody raped his damn dog!!" I told him that I was just trying to make it easier on Obama by removing myself from the situation since he couldn't to which he responded, "Ma, you're not doing him any favors by bouncing on him like that. trust me." I asked him about the brakes that I was told he had done. They were still squeaking and I needed him to take a look at them again. he told me he never did the brake because they didn't need to be done. Remembering the money that I had gave to Obama to get the repairs done, I asked old boy what he had done. When he couldn't tell me, I asked him to check with Obama and have him call back the number I just called him from, ("T"'s).

Well, "T" and I had a falling out as soon as Obama's friend hung up because she wanted me to flip my lid over the money/repairs (or lack thereof). Now, I did raise an eyebrow to dude telling me that the repairs that I had paid for and had been told were done, were NOT. However, I was waiting to hear from Obama to see where the money went and I told "T" as much. She kept saying that Obama had kept it and was trying to play me out, yada, yada, yada. I told her that I'd handed over hundreds to Obama to get things done for me when I couldn't and it had never been a problem before. So, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear from him what happened to the money.

Well, when I told her I'd handed hundreds over to him before, she told me not to say anything else to her about Obama because I was gonna do what I wanted to do anyway. (which is true) But uh...damn...you're supposed to be my "best" friend and your telling me that I can't talk to you about something going on in MY life because you don't agree with how calm I am about it?? I mean, not even because I asked for your advice and did something different, or because I'd been complaining about him taking money for me before, but because I wouldn't just automatically assume that the man who has never failed to look me in my eye and tell me the truth when it mattered most, or who has proven that if I need him, he's there, the man that I told you has always met me 50/50 on everything - something I can"t even say about YOU....I'm just supposed to believe he would steal such a small amount from me and for no damn good reason. Nah. So I ended our conversation with "I can't believe you of all people just told me not to talk to you about something because you don't agree with how I feel about my situation (remember, I never asked her shit about her opinion, nor did I tell her that what she was saying couldn't be true. I simply wanted to hear what this man- whom I loved most for his ability to be honest with me- had to say about the situation.) But I guess I'll talk to you later. (we've spoken twice since then-it's been about 3 weeks-and both convos were extremely awkward).

As much as I want to chalk her reaction up to her just looking out for me, it's really hard to do. She knows more than anyone all that he has done for me. That was the ONE time that anything janky ever came up him (possibly) trying to play me. Annnnd, the amount of money in question (I'd given him $150 to get FOUR things done to the car. The price was a blessing in itself since with parts and labor it would have been much more if it wasn't his boy dong it and if he didn't help him make the repairs) was no where near the amounts he has entrusted me with in the last few months - so why was she tripping?? Especially considering how the dude whose ass she had her head permanently implanted treats her in comparison.  I mean dude is straight up single - no kids no nothing yet he still shows no interest in making time for her. She has to beg him for penis, BEG HIM.... and that's even with her driving across town to pick him up and dropping him off afterwards. And MOST times he has her do all of that and stands her up with no call or nothing. Whic usually results in her blowing his phone up for hours on end unil he finally answers in front of allof his boys just to say some fouls sit to her so they can her it. Plus he's ugly..and broke...and just down-right MEAN to her. He talks to her like she's a whore and she let's him. When I take all of that into consideration, I really rack my brain as to why she'd feel so strongly about Obama. Jeaousy would be the obvious answer, but with my own ups and downs in love i question what sane person would envy my life at this point. But whatever.

Anyway, I'd soon have the answers I was looking for as Obama called me the next night. (I'd called his friend back that afternoon to give him my new number since it was looking like I wouldn't have access to "T""s phone anytime soon)

"Must not have been paying attention..."

...I stepped right on in it, didn't even notice how deep I was..."

Even while it was happening,. I'd chalked my birthday and the days immediately following it up as my birthday present from him. It all just seemed kind of deliberate, as if he'd  maybe started an argument or something with her just so that he wouldn't have to explain his absence for those days, but who knows. We still spoke and saw each other as frequently following those days of my B-Day cupcaking bliss, but with less overnights. This went on for about two weeks before the realization finally hit me: I had definitely fell in love with this man.

Now to say that this shocked me is an understatement. I mean I was actually texting my friends msgs like:

"I LOVE this nigga?!?!? Why the f@*k didn't ya'll hoes tell me?????" 

Now I had been saying it to them for awhile...(that I loved him)...but when I said it, it was more of a that's-the-dude-I-can't-stop-thinking-about-and-would-rather-chill-with-than-any-other-dude kinda way. Not in the I'mma-marry-this-nigga kinda way.

I can pinpoint the EXACT moment that my feelings became clear to me (those on my facebook friend's list can attest to that) and the reason is so simply: he was honest with me. Even though he knew the truth would hurt me and (potentially) jeopardize what ever it is that we have. But he looked me in the eye and told me the truth anyway. That is all I have ever asked of the men that I allow in because it is the one thing that I can guarantee that they will receive from me. I have NEVER experienced my request actually being granted...and without any arm-bending or food -poisoning whatsoever.

Between that and everything else that rocks about him,  I really didn't stand a chance.

The moment I realized how I really felt about him, I told him to hurry up and finish the drink he had been nursing because I needed to tell him something and he needed to be drunk to hear it. ( so dramatic, I know) Somehow we got *ahem* distracted and never got around to me telling him. However, while we were...uh..."ya know"-ing, he stopped mid-stroke, looked me in the eye and said, "You love me don"t you?" Of course, I confessed.

But...he never said it back.

I honestly don't know the EXACT sequence of event from there on. But to the best of my recollection, he and I continued to be ok (for the most part) for maybe another week until all of a sudden I barely saw/heard from him. I think I went about a week and a half with no contact (he STILL had not gotten a phone to replace the one he'd lost months ago. Even after I'd bitched and moaned about it for weeks.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and told him point blank, "Love me or leave me the fcuk alone!" I told him how it hurt me to, in essence, be in love by myself. Especially seeing as how he had yet to respond to me professing my love to him - AFTER he'd asked me point-blank. I felt like a sucker. An exposed sucker to be exact. I felt like he played me. Like he was just a heart-collecter, and now that he knew I loved him, he knew he could get away with even more bullshit without worrying about losing me.

I told him I needed for him to tbe he one to end contact because, in all honesty, I did not feel as if I was strong enough to be the one to walk away. He told me straight up that I was bugging if I thought he'd really leave me alone. I told him then I would have no choice but to change my number and end all contact with him for awhile. He laughed and said, "So I'm just supposed to not call you?1?" That doesn't even sound right coming out my mouth".

I told him since he was having such a hard time choosing where to be, he should just leave me alone and focus on his family since that was what really was important in all of this. He told me that doing that WOULD be choosing and asked what made me think it would be just that easy for HIM to walk away from ME. That was honestly something I hadn't even considered. I honestly couldn't understand why he seemed so tormented when the solution seemed so clear to me. You want your daughter to have her family. I am not apart of that family. I am the weakest link - goodbye.

I told him it was over. Period. We made love again and I told him it would be the last time. He asked if I would ignore his calls, I told him that I would try my very best to. He said it wouldn't stop him from calling. I asked him for the umpteenthed time to NOT call me and to give me some time. When  he called me the. very. next. day. I answered. We chit-chatted. When it come time for us to hang up, he told me he'd call me the next day. I told him NOT to bother calling me unless it was to give me a day/time when we would meet face-to-face so that he could tell me in great detail, how HE felt about ME. He said ok and that was that.

He did not call the next day. Or the next...or...the...next. I changed my number five days after our last conversation. I felt as if I would go insane less quickly if I could trick my mind into believing that he was trying to call, I'd just changed my number too soon. Instead of what was probably closer to reality: Perhaps I had become too much of a liability as a side- dish. In my head he was laughing with his friends about me and saying thngs like, "Feelings? That is not what this was supposed to turn into. This bitch tryna make me choose?? Nah, I'm out!!"  I mean, if I had a penis, that would probably be what I would do (clearly I'd be just as trifling as a dude) *kanye shrug*

But...as time would tell...that is soooo totally NOT how he felt about me AT AL.

To be continued.... {Sorry Suga. :)}

Testing

Don’t mind me folks. Just testing out some things.

 

As you were.

Side-Piece Blues

Ok, so if you all recall, Obama went back home to give his family another try the end of June. That shit hurt like hell, I swear.  But. at the same time, I was able to get myself into kind of a pilot mode where I was just kind of numb instead of hurting. I was only able to do that because I knew hoped that it was no where near the end of what ever it was that he and I were. He had already made too much of a presence in my life, so us not communicating at all was totally out of the question - for both of us.

However, there was absolutely no denying that our relationship had definitely changed. i went from waking up to him every morning and going to sleep caressing his back every night, to only seeing him once a week like we had in the beginning. At times, I didn't even get that. This was for the best, I know, especially since i was the main one to vocalize that I was a distraction to what he was trying to work on. It just hurt like a son-of-a-bitch for him to agree and begin to handle me accordingly. He also lost his phone around his time and refused to replace it because "she" often went thru his phone and he didn't want problems. So not only did I see him at BEST, once a week, I barely got to talk to him and when I did it had to be HIM that called ME. That time  perriod was some bullshit, but it had it's benefits.

In that time I was able to concentrate on my son and get him re-adjusted to being back in MOMMY's house. Sweet Black Pipe also played a role as "potential boo". He's still in the picture to an extent, but only as an extra  basket to hold a few eggs in. *shrugs*

Obama re-appeared significantly the week of my birthday (the last week in August).  We didn't discuss the status of his home life, but I deduced from the amount of time I was suddenly receiving (overnights included) that the warm, fuzzy feeling they'd experienced while the baby (who is just fine and preparing for her 1st birthday next month) was in the hospital had worn off. As far as he and I, it was like we never missed a beat. We fell right back into "us" immediately.

I went out with my girls on the night of my birthday (which damn near ended me in jail for the attempted murder of one of my closest and dearest childhood friends {Egypt}....sigh....another blog, another story...)

Anyway, Obama was waiting for me when they dropped me off at home and he and I spent the rest of the weekend, and most of that week together.....a week later, he was  gone again.

So much has happened....

But the main part is:

They broke up for good. And in other news...

I'm definitely in love....I know....shocked the shit outta me too. :-/

Fuck!

Anywho, that;s all for now. I'll be back with more when I have a better idea of what the hell is going on right now....cause I honestly have no fucking clue. I've already told him* that we need to talk...and I plan on it being of the "where is this going" persuasion...so we'll see. After much nail biting, I've decided that I shall simply state the following:

"Yea, so....apparently I'm in love with you now.... so please take that into consideration when dealing with me from here on...and if you hurt me, I'll fuckin kill you."

Good, yes? lol

Toodles for now.....

*do I really need to say his name anymore?

Since birds of a feather, trife together.....

I would like to introduce you all to my favorite people in the enitre world. If you think I'm a piece of work, wait until you check out, my homie,  The Head Mistress

Show her some love, follow/comment...just keep in mind, she will respond., so don't get crazy. *Bon qui qui voice*



As for me, trying something different with Obama this week. Update coming soon.... one way or another...

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Email: enigmajones08@gmail.com

Name: Lashelle Enigma-Jones