Release....

Editor's Note: During our last conversation I kept hesitating. He told me to tell him what was on my mind. I asked him what the point would be. He told me so that I could get it off my chest. I told him I have other ways of releasing.....

                            

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Unholy thoughts in a moral mind.

Carnal desires fading with emotions on overdrive….

Fire…and…desire?!?!?!?

It wasn’t suppose to ever get to this.

Since the kiss with which it began was oh so innocent

Who….is….this?!?!?

How dare you creep into my mental!

With thoughts of “pink” and other sentimentals

Who….let…..you ….. in?!?!?!?!

Because I know it was not me….

Not with these bricks of ice shielding my person ever so strategically…

Leave….me….be?!?!?!

But baby wait….is there nothing I can do to stop you from going?

Oh yea….guess for a moment I let myself believe that this moment of ours was not one stolen.

I will….let….you….go?!?!?!?

Just please not right at this moment.

What say you we lay in this blanket of lust and sin…just until our final atonement…?

*sigh*

Yes, love….I…guess…you’re…right?!?!?

What needs to be done now is evident.

Our feelings at this point? Irrelevant.

And….just… to… think….

      The kiss with which it began was oh so innocent....

…and the tear it ended with?

Just…

As…

Unexpected….

 

Currently Under Construction

"... too many times...I've been wrong... I guess being right... takes too
long..."

FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

his daughter is in the hospital right now and has been for the past two days with some sort of infection they detected in her urine right now she's getting all of these tests so they have to keep her there for most of the week Obama has been at the hospital most of the time and stayed there last night with his daughter's mother this morning he informed me that they had a long sit down and now he is cinfused and feels like he needs to try again to work things our with her for the sake of the chil I understand it and respecthim for it but given what he's tol dme about their relationship both pre and post chil I doubt if it will owrk he says he enjoys every minute with me and doesn"t want anything to change I told him I can"t go back to being what he does Friday nights after the club closes and he said he'd never expect me too I said well if your working on your family you should do away with the side pieces anyway He said I was never a sidepiece and was always more to him then that and he never meant for me to get hurt but he doesn"t want to drag me along in his shit Now I'm going to go to the river and hope the pain washes away with each wave i see...

Really doesn't really make ME any less trifling tho, now does it?

Obama and I are headed about 90mph in a very good direction.

I'm done being afraid of my attachment to him. Nope, no slash thru - I am attached to Obama. And I told him as much. And instead of hesitation, there was excitement. I mentioned begging afraid - of needing him and losing him, of my son getting attached - because I know he will - Obama is a good guy, a genuinely GOOD GUY...and my son is drawn to that...just like his mama...Instead of him telling me he'd fall back a little to avoid that, he told me he'd thought about the same thing. And was afraid himself of getting attached to my son. Especially since his daughter's mother has been threatening to keep him from her. …because she wants him to come back home - and he refuses - because they've "always had problems" and had broken up weeks before they found out she was pregnant. And they got back together the first few months, but realized there was no making it work. “And then you {I} came back into the picture.” And then his daughter was born. And there was more trying to make a "square peg fit into a triangle slot"...that is...until he starting realizing that I "was looking more and more like the perfect fit"...and that makes so much sense…because the grimy dude he appeared to be when we reconnected just didn’t match the gentleman that I always knew him to be….

I told him about my idea for a non-profit. That is usually the barometer by which I decide who I can be with. If I really feel comfortable with you, then I tell you about my biggest dream - starting my non-profit. How you react to it (excitement, indifference, etc) determines where we go from there and whether we could ever have a future. Not only did he get excited, but he told me he'd always wanted to do something for young boys - somehow sports related of course. It would fit perfectly with the idea I have. I admitted to him that I'd slacked off with working on it, and that I'd have to start from scratch because I'd lost the work I'd done on it thus far. He told me that I needed to "get back to working on it so that we can get married, open it up and pop out some more big head babies" That day at work, I started working on my dream again. Because of him. Later that night, he checked the numbers for the Power Ball and told me that if he won I could open my non-profit tomorrow.

He's going to be subletting an apartment starting next month...and his tournament in Mexico has been pushed back to the end of July…and his sister and I may go visit him down there for our birthday weekend in August...and we're planning a road trip to VA to see some of his fam and "we can even bring your son cause my cousin has a bunch of kids he can play with"

So I say all of that to say that for now, I'm going to stop being worried about where I land....

and

just

fall.......

"Take your time - I ain't going nowhere"

....that's what he said when I told him that it'll be awhile until I see him once my son comes home. And that he'd have to meet my son outside of our love nest my house the first few meet-n-greets before my son can see him chilling all up in our living room. I’ve been meaning to have a talk with him letting him know that me getting attached to him and being hurt was one thing, but my son doing that was another (and a definite NO-NO). But I chickened out. Why? Because that would lead to the "Where is this thing going?" talk and I don’t know if I'm ready for his answer no matter what it may be. I have some time since he won’t meet my son for awhile, but I think it'll actually be harder for me to have the talk even just a week from now (if things continue with us as they have). I guess we'll see....all I keep thinking is:

 "What's it gonna be....dessert or disaster....?!?!"

Yea, so....I be trippin

So I went thru a phase last week where I thought the best thing for my sanity would b to stop seeing Obama. Not because he'd done anything wrong, mind you. But because he was doing everything right. I am falling for this dude and I feel like at any minute I'll text him to bring paper towels with him when he comes and he'll respond with "I'll see you on the weekend" and that's not something I'd be able to handle.

I was still all in my feelings that night/early morning when he did something that had me REALLY decide to call everything off. He had borrowed my car to go to a game about 20 minutes away and said he'd be back around 11/12-ish. I was at home and fell asleep early only to wake up to a text from he saying that they'd gone out after the game and he'd be in soon. He'd left the text at about 12:30 and by the time I saw it when I woke up it was almost 2am. I text him and got no response, so then I called. It rung about seven times and went to voicemail - this never happens, he always answers when I cal and the one or two times he hasn’t he has either called me right back or text me to let me know why he couldn’t talk on the phone at the moment. For the next hour I called and called and called. Sometimes the phone would ring once and go to voicemail, other times it would go straight to vm and a few times it just rang. Now, I know what your thinking, why so much, right? Well, for starters, every since "Pookie", I get extremely nervous about those I love care about being out at night and unheard from. I just needed to hear his voice to know that everything (him and my car) were ok. He finally called me back a lill after an hour later and said he was on his way. Twenty minutes later he showed up at my door, mumbled something inaudible and then proceeded to the shower. When he got out, he came over and laid his naked body on my as I watched tv on the couch. I told him I didn't want him on me and he tried to get me to come lay with him in the bedroom. Again, no thanks, I stayed on the couch. The next day, I got up and got dressed without waking him. In the midst of the commotion I was making, he woke up on his own and asked if I was gonna ever wake him up. I said no, and then proceeded to continue getting dressed. He came over and tried to make small talk with me, but I igged him. Then, he said "Fuck it then" and went back into the bedroom. ALL of this was new behavior from him to me. I left out without him (that was the first time in weeks that he and I did not leave out together. Usually we take one of our cars and he drops me off at work. This day I drove myself in my car). I also took all of the basketball stuff he had in my trunk, bought it upstairs and dumped it right inside the front door. He had that day off of work, so when he finally woke up and saw the stuff there, he called me and asked how I expected him to carry all of the stuff home. (his car has been in the shop since early last week). I told him that wasn't my concern and that I thought I was being considerate by leaving his things since I didn't know when I'd see him again. I think this caught him off guard, especially since he know I’ve chalked deuces to guys for less. When he got quiet, I told him to call me when he had something to say. He called me back a minute later and tried to explain how he was just so tired the night before and after the game the team went to eat and he'd gone to see his daughter and fell asleep holding her. He said he thought his daughter's mother was playing on his phone but wasn't sure until he left out and saw how many times I called. I explained to him that the time he came in and where he was for that matter wasn’t what had me upset, it was that I didn't know where MY car was. In my head, he was laying in a ditch bleeding from the head as his attacker hit ignore on my calls and his attackers friends bashed in the windows to my car. In fact, once he called me and told me he was on his way, I was instantly sleepy again. I honestly just needed to know that my car would be in the front of my house when it came time for me to go to work. Nonetheless, I eventually realized that it was more than that that upset me - it was the fact that I was trapped in a bonified girlfriend scenario with NO BOYFRIEND. I would be remiss to add that he is a known cheater. Him going out and sleeping around is something I can't gripe bout since he isn't "mine" but my car??? Oh yea, I can gripe about that and its whereabouts alllllllll day.

So, I was really ready to cut him off. I felt like he was trying to play me and I told him as much right before I hung up on him. Ten minutes later I get a text from him saying: "I apologize. U been so good to me and a real sweetheart and know that I truly do appreciate you. I was completely wrong and I'm sorry." He then sent another about five minutes later that read: “I was mean and inconsiderate and I sincerely apologize!" I responded “Yes you were. Apology accepted.’ I sent another right after that that said "Don't do that shit again..." to which he responded: "Never! Promise."

And now after a weekend of making-up...let's just say we're right back on track. I did realize that I'd been focusing too much of my attention on him (that wholes eggs/basket theory) so I invited Sweet Black Pipe* to come watch a movie with me on Sunday. The movie sucked and I realized that Sweet Pipe is an uber jerk and pompous ass to boot. *shrugs* He did help me in deciding what to cook for dinner last night tho - blackened salmon, linguini in a light mushroom sauce and spinach with strawberry cupcakes w/cream cheese frosting for dessert....Obama loved it. lol

* I'd seen him about a week ago when Obama and I were at the courthouse fighting a parking ticket. He said he'd been busy due to a bunc of things going on with his teenage son getting into trouble and had been meaning to call. He called a few days later and basically tole me that he was so bent on trying to get me into bed because of the friends I kept and that he figure they were smuts so I must be one too. For the record, my friends are not smuts (and I told him as much). However, he told me a tidbit about a friend of a friend and ...well...let's just say I'm not even mad at him for thinking he could smut me out.

I decided -

I'm ending things with Obama.

Sooooo.....

"Obama" and I have been pretty cozy for the last few weeks. He's stayed over every day since the weekend before my "Oh Obama....*sigh*" post and it has been very....nice....having him around. If I wasn't attached  confused before, I most certainly am now.

I want to slow myself down, but, at the same time, I'm enjoying having him around. I guess the Universe has a way of working things out because he found out yesterday that he'll be in Mexico for a month* and he leaves next week. At least that time apart will give me a chance to put things in perspective and try to figure out what it is that we're doing now, what it is we both want, and where it is we go from here.

He asked me if I'd miss him and I told him "Fif!". I then asked him, jokingly, if I was supposed to wait for him while he was gone and he just looked me in my eye and said  "At this point I shouldn"t even have to answer that".

NOW I'm feeling fucked up. NOW I feel like I should have just ran the other way as soon as his sister told me about his daughter. NOW my conscious is fucking with me. It was one thing in my head when he and I were just using each other's bodies. But now that he seems to be ok with it being more...d'oh! 

He asked me to come down during his last weekend there and I said I'd think about it. He has a couple of places he wants us to vist this summer, so I have to see how I'll alot my vacation days.

Amazingly, the day he leaves is the same day that my son comes back home, so the timing works in my favor. I can give my son all of the time and attention he and I need after a year of him being gone without having to think about how to fit "Obama" in. 

Guess we'll see what happens from here....

*He plays semi- pro b-ball and even though he said he'd be retiring this year, his manager convinced him to play through the Summer.

They broke up...

...I fell asleep in his arms for the 10th night in a row last night and now I'm sitting here watching him install the AC that he insisted we had to get for the living room.



Oops...

" I keep you happy"

Yesterday I was on the phone chatting it up with my fave friend*, "T” about Obama and were trying to decide if I should end it all with him or not. That morning he’d driven me to work and he was telling me how his “baby moms” (he never calls her his girl around me. As if that somehow makes me forget that I know that's what she is) had went thru his pockets a few weeks ago and found something in his pocket that she didn’t want in the house. We, he’d told me because it pertained to the topic we were discussing, so he wasn’t just talking about her to be talking about her. Nonetheless, all I could keep thinking is. ‘Why weren’t your pants on?”. That right there just let’s me know for certain that shit has gone too far.

‘T” and I decided that I would just tell him not to bring her up around me a gain at all, and then I’ll just be cool with shit as it is. I really can’t complain everything’s kosher, two thumbs up, Ebert and Roeper**. I’ll just enjoy it for now and chill the fuck out.

He stayed over last night and this morning we were sitting around talking and watching tv before work and we were talking about an event that I’m going to this weekend. He asked me if I was taking a date with this hurt look on his face and I told him no. He said he’d want to go with me if I asked him but that he would have to double check his schedule and make sure he wouldn’t have his daughter. When he said that, I went into my usual “I-didn’t-sign-on-for-this-shit” speech that I give him whenever he can’t do what I want him too (which isn’t too often, but he and I agree that I deserve to bitch when I want since he gets to live a double life-drama free)

But while we were talking, he said something so simple, yet dead-on that made me really sit back, think, and shut the fuck up***: “I keep you happy” . And he does. I see him enough so that I don’t feel neglected (not since his week-long hiatus and the subsequent presentation of my “You-know-I-don’t-play,-I’ll-drop-off-the-face-of-the -Earth-on-your-ass-if-you-start-acting-fucked-up” speech). But we also give each other enough space so that when we do see each other, we’re usually missing one another’s company so much that things are usually very…mushy when get in the same room.

I can totally co-sign that he makes me happy. And I have decided, that’s more than enough for me.

\

The ways in which the universe works is amazing. This was the first song that came on went I opened up Pandora this morning:

*I’ve stopped calling her my best friend b/c that is misleading. She kinda sucks as a friend sometimes but I love her and she is my FAVORITE friend as I prefer her company of almost anyone else’s.
**Drake- "Over"
***I don't usually do this- EVER lol