Fin.

So "The Killer" and I are done. I saw him yesterday and he lied to me about something really minor. I'm old enough and wise enough to know that when dudes lie about minor shit, it's usually to cover up major shit. I don't have the time, energy or patience.

Him lying in conjunction with how "us" have been lately ...yea, I'm deciding to throw in the towel now- when I'm confident I can do so without breaking down from it. I can get over him quick right now because shit's been off for a few weeks anyway and I've been putting the ice blocks around my heart(that he'd melted) back up slowly since it started mentally preparing to have to get over him. The fortress is almost fully rebuilt, my friends, let us rejoice and be glad in it.

There's no doubt in my mind that there's someone else, and I'm not sitting around while he plays us both. Nope, she wins the loser, not I. What was the lie you ask? He popped up with a new car out of nowhere...then proceeded to wash and wax that bitch with me sitting in it. One thing "The Killer" is definitely not is anyone's stunt dummy so I knew it wasn't "his boy's" as he had told me the night before when he'd said he'd come get me and I declined. I asked him who's car it was this time (assuming it was the same car from the night before, "his boys'" and he instead said it was a rental. Ummm....rental car keys don't usually have price cards for Stop and Shop and Shoprite on the keyring. Fuck I look like believing that bullshit??? Further investigation revealed a registration with a chick's name on it. A name that I'd heard in passing before while he and I were on the phone and one of his nephews asked him where Prada (his dog) was. He responded at "N***'s house". I ignored it then because N*** could have been a number of females in his family. And, to be all the way real , he was never my man, nr I his girl and if we started sharing stories of how many other people we were dealing with besides each other, I'm sure my numbers would have matched his. *kanye shrug* Hey, we were never a couple.

But if that was the case, and N*** was a family member (as I'd assumed originally), why blatantly lie to my face??? So after I see the registration, I ask him how long he's had the "rental" he tells me a few days and he and his brother have been sharing it...and he has it until Tuesday or Wednesday....oh so you just gonna keep on lying right to my face, huh? Ok, cool.

I let him know that I wasn't buying it and he tried to flip shit and get mad on some "If it was some chick car I'd just tell you blah blah bah." Whoa...who said anything about a chick? lol Dude, please stop trying to convince yourself that you're "that Dude". You know, the guy that will tell chicks shit straight up because he knows he's doing shit on the up and up and he's not trying to play with any one's feelings. You. Are. Not. Him. You are a snake. Period.

I can't be with someone that can look me dead in my eye and lie to me. Crazy thing is, it's not the being lied to part that fucks with me as much as it the insulting my intelligence part. Don't do that. Two things I've never been called in my entire life is stupid and ugly. Please don't take my intelligence for granted and please don't have me waste my pretty on you. I'm done letting "The Killer" do both.

On to the next one.

Sorry boys, the bitch is back.

Coming up...."Introducing "Victim #1" aka "Enigma's New Boytoy"...yea....

Me & Kanye, man...f*cking GENIUSES

Some thoughts of the last hour or so:

I wonder if the reason Mr. Big was so ok with introducing me to the "chief" was because he knew I would need it to help me get over him

I think I'm going to be a mean, cruel bitch and make boys cry. I'll be all nice at first and make them fall in love with me (married or not)* and fuck their life up real slow like. Make them be so in love wit the kid that they leave wife(y). Then, soon as I got them where I want them, I'll diss 'em and be like "You left that good woman for my trifling ass???? You stoopid!" and smh and give them the ill gas face. Yep, I wanna make boys cry....

When my parents get back in from the grocery store, my first words to them is going to have to be "Don't worry despite what it smells like, the house was never in any real jeopardy of getting burned down." ( I just reaaaalllllllyyyy wanted some cookies.)

Speaking of which...here's some real fat girl shit for you . You know Pillsbury cookie dough that comes ready to bake? Yea, well I baked 4** and ate one raw.

Yum.

I am just as fucked up as I wanted to be right now. I had a rough day. Had to go out and get me a pregnancy test at lunch. It was negative and trust your girl went and got a 12-pack of Magnums. (Yes, TK and I always use them (seriously) but there was a malfunction about two months back and then my cycle got funny on me. But, like I said it, was negative. I'll just say this, ain't nothing like those few hours before you decide it's time for you to finally take the test. All the shit that you think about. SMH... and then the simultaneous relief and disappointment you feel once it's negative. Ain't nothing like that....

Speaking of TK, I'm getting real tired of his black ass.

I read somewhere that you should make the curse words pretty with symbols and shit so that people with a block at work can still read your blog from their jobs. I tried.... I say fuck that *kanye shrug*

Haha...today my white, dorky frat-boy co-worker was telling us about his weekend, said he'd gone to a spa with his roommate (they're straight). When we gave him the side eye he said ""Well we didn't massage each other." What?! That's not usually how it's done in spas anyway...but ookaaaay!!! LMAO! Me think the boy doth protest too much! lol

OMG! These cookies are everything I want in life and more!!! nom nom nom nom***

Time to chow. Later!!!!

*Yea, I said it

**I lie...it was actually FIVE

*nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom

Duh, Enigma!

So remember when i was venting about not being able to find D.Ruggs when I needed to? Yea, well I just realized why that is...DRUGS ARE ILLEGAL..>DUH!!!! Yes, that is a point that I had to actually have pop up in my head as opposed to me being aware of it from jump. See, the thing is...I'm a very straight a narrow kinda girl. I have always lived the life of a certified "good girl" and, I can admit....I'm quite naive at times.

The one times I ever had a run-in the the police was when I was driving and got stopped for my brake light being out. I was driving with a suspended license at the time and the damned copper man towed my hoo-ride. :(

Anyway...driving is the only time that I feel I am putting myself in jeopardy of getting arrested. In fact, as long as I don't do something stupid like going up to a cop and spitting in his face, I should be ok. Or at least that was the case until I picked up this bad habit.

That's why it never occurred to me that the reason its so hard to get my hands on the stuff without knowing the right people is because the ish is illegal. Dealers HAVE to be secretive and on some extra covert ops type ish in their business...IT"S ILLEGAL. (duh.)

I'm so air headed sometimes it's ridiculous, I swear.. SMH.

CandyLand: Open Admissions? I think NOT, sir!

About a week or so ago I bumped into a dude I used to talk to. For the purposes of the blog, his name will be "Obama" as he resembles the POTUS quite a bit. Now Obama was also a cool dude and prided himself on being and to "pop sh*t" as much as I do, so our convos were often more like debates than anything else. Anyway, our friendship consisted mostly of him coming over and us having a drink and watching a movie or something. Nothing major. Even though he lived down the block from me, he would sometimes spend the night. Most of the time we just cuddle. In fact, we only slept together once. I kind of backed up from him after that because he was always busy (he plays semi-pro basket ball and was always on the road. when he wasn't balling, he was working construction which had him occupied for most of the day and then tired most nights). Another reason I backed up was because he was boring in bed. I remember that the one time we did it, I had to take over so that I could get some sleep. If he wasn't such a cool dude I'd even go so far as to say he was garbage in the sack. *kanye shrug*

So since we bumped into one another and exchanged numbers, hes been calling and asking we can meet up. I have no problem with this/ he's a very cool dude and, I gotta admit, when we met up , homeboy was looking quite fresh. So during our last convo, I told him that I wanted him to find a good bootleg copy of "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" so that we could watch it while we chief'. He said he'd try and added that we had stuff to get caught up on and plus "he's trying to see what's up in another way". I say "Huh?" and he lets it be known that he's trying to smash and went on to say "Cause you started bullsh*tting before. What, it wasn't good?" *bank stare*

Seriously, why do guys ask that??? Don't they teach context clues in grammar school? Being that I'm single, and ready to mingle, if it was good, wouldn't I be anxious to jump back in the sack with you??? Good peen is not something that I need to be persuaded to partake in.

So, always trying to spare some poor man's ego, I say "I never said that." (notice how I didn't answer the question? lol Then I remind him that I was at work and that we'll talk later. Hopefully the next time we speak he minds his manners. I'd hate to have to hit him with my fav Lil' Kim line "I'll pass nigga, the d*ck was trash..."

But this seriously has me thinking, wtf is up with guys? Do they really think that just because they get admitted into Candyland once that they just get an open invite to cum again as they please?? Really? I hadn’t seen this dude in at least six months and we hadn’t had sex in at least two years prior to that. Wtf would make him think that I’d just be down just because we bumped into one another less than a week ago. And it’s not like he got it so easily the first time, we didn’t have sex until a little after a year of knowing one another.

I find this to be quite a disturbing trait in the male species as he's not the first to behave this way. I remember there was a dude that I grew up with who I had quite the flirting friendship with. One of us was always saying something inappropriate to one another or saying that the other was "my play boyfriend/girlfriend". When I moved form the neighborhood, we lost touch. I saw hm years later and he acted as if I owed him pu55y from our earlier years of flirting.

Again I must ask...WTF? Does this happen to anyone else?

p.s. TK and I didn't meet yesterday, so no updates on that just yet.

Introducing: The "iCock"

Over the weekend I had a chance to finally meet up with a friend I'd met thru myspace a few years back. Despite living just a subway ride away from one another, Saturday was the first time we'd ever met face-to-face. a friend of hers was having an event in Greenwich Village at this Caribbean restaurant I've been meaning to get to so we started out night there.

Well, in true form for us both, neither one of us made it there on time, we were actually both at least 45 minutes late. Luckily, all of the guests were on CP time as well because we were some of the first people there By the time the other guests had started flooding in, we'd both eaten and were on our second and third drinks. Plus it turned out to be a major yawnfest even with a packed crowd. So we made our exit so that we could find a place to put something in the air before moving on to out next destination .

We find place to "chief" and then she suggest that we go to one of the many sex shops along the strip. We go in and much f*ckery ensues. After looking the costumes we go to the back where the (grown up)toys are. Who knew there were so many things to choose from???????

There was this contraption that a female could wear under her panties that would vibrate and penetrate and...get this...it had a remote control so that her partner could control the device while they were out in public. Oh how I need that in my life...

Next thing we saw had my friend ask 'Seriously, when is that ever necessary?!" what was it you ask? It was a double dong (a two sided dildo for two women to use for simultaneous gratification) but get this...one side was black and the other white. lmao Huh??? Why would that ever be necessary????? lol

My friend and I leave out of that store and go to one right next door. It's in here that I lay eyes on the sleekest looking vibrator I've ever seen in my life (pictured above- Made by LELO). It was so sleek, the box it was in looked just like the one my iTouch came in. And the price? $189.99. I immediately dubbed it the iCock (if u look at the pic closely, it has the same buttons as on a iPod) and told my friend that for that price it better be pre-programmed with the musical stylings of Marvin Gaye, Luther Vandross and Barry White. lol

As if not to be left out of the "WTF?!" portion of our visit there, we turn the corner and see masks...ok...some people are into that. What disturbed me was that the ONLY masks hanging up were one of OBAMA and FRANKENSTEIN. W. T. F????? lol

SMH

I tell you....only in New York lol

"Better than love, we made delicious"*

So TK and I had a chance to reconnect for a few hours last night. As I stated before, there's been a serious lull in our situationship** for the past month or so. I've seen him very rarely and we speak less often. (all his fault...not to point fingers or place blame or anything, but yea...definitely all his fault.) Luckily, I'd say in the last week or so our communication has gotten back on track to being like it was initially, but there are still some kinks to be worked out.

Anwho, we met up last night after he insisted that we "had to bring some things to the table". Ok, cool. Honestly I was thinking this would be the..."Things just haven't been the same/I met someone else/I'm not ready for all of this" convo. Oh, quite the contrary, this dude hit me with the "What are your intentions towards me" line. And was serious. As if I was the one who had been bs-9ng for the past few weeks. Smch. Now, like I said, our recent disconnect has been ALL his fault (again, not to point fingers or anything), so that was the very last thing I was expecting to hear.

So he goes on to tell me how he's tired of being a whore (actually he used the words "young bachelor" but I called bullshit on that and demanded he call it what it was). So he goes on to tell me how even though he flirts and likes the attention that his lifestyle brings him, he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else and he's feeling like he's ready for more. He also tells me how his last girlfriend was a good woman and he f*cked that up and he's not prepared to push another good woman (moi) out of his life. No decisions were made, but we discussed alot and will have part 2 to the discussion later on tonite.

The purpose of this blog (and title and pic) actually have to do with something that TK bought up in our talk. He said he started to know that there was something "there" with us after the second or third time we ever had sex. It was honestly the craziest thing I'd ever experienced myself as well.

It was about a month into us chilling with one another and we were going at it heavy. The lights were off, the radio was playing Ne-Yo's version of MJ's "Lady in My Life" and TK was killing it (pun intended) About ten minutes in, something changed drastically. We were no longer just two people who had met just a month or so ago who were gratifying their animalistic urges. As if someone had flipped a switch, we went from just having sex, to making passionate love.

Now, the crazy thing is...I felt the change immediately and I remember thinking "OMG...I wonder if he knows that he's making love to me". We finished and got our selves cleaned up and were just laying in the after glow (that's the name of the painting up top btw) . He started talking about something...what, I can't remember. But as he was talking I grabbed my cell and sent him a text that read, "I felt you making love to me." A few second later his cell rang and he read my text, smiled, looked me in the eye and said "Indeed, true***".

He then went on to tell me that he'd NEVER made love, or even attempted to make love to a woman before and that the fact that I felt it was crazy to him.

When we talked about it last night, I let him know that that had never happened to me either. I'd never felt anyone make love to me. What I didn't tell him was the follow-up to that. Now, I've been in many relationships where the word "love" was thrown around extensively. And yes, all of these "loving" relationships included sex. But even when my partner would tell me he loved me as we were entwined, I still didn't feel it like I did with TK. The "making love" aspect was more so implied with them moreso than anything else. But with TK, it was so blatant and evident and unexpected and welcomed that I'd even go so far as to admit that it almost made me misty eyed. (I say almost b/c I hate girls that cry during sex and I would never.)

I thought about it last night as I lay in my bed and I concluded that the men I'd been "in love" with never gave me themselves whole-heartedly. (I say this mostly because of specific circumstances of the relationships/men themselves, not just b/c of what I experienced with TK) Anyway, I've deduced that what TK and I experienced that night was possible solely because he opened up to me. Even if for that 15-20 minute time span, I had him (and he me had, had me he..he had me tongue-tied****) I had him in a way that no other woman ever has and he made me experience something no other man ever has.

Either God's tryna tell me sumthin' or He's just d*cking with me for kicks and giggles...I guess we'll see...

*For those who don't know, that's a verse from my favoritiest song ever, "Love Rain" by Jill Scott.

** I saw a commenter on one of Suga's posts use that to describe a situationship where it's like a relationship but sans the actual commitment.

***He says that alot lol

**** Another verse from Love Rain, seriously, that song is the ish ppl

Drugs Are Bad {Part Deux}

Editor's Note: I am NOT crazy.

****************************************************************

So The Killer and I had a chance to link up on Tuesday nite after only seeing/speaking to each other sporadically the past few weeks. In fact, Tuesday was our first time speaking AT ALL in seven whole days (alot considering how we started out)

Anywho, below are some bits of our convo that made him say I may need therapy:

The Killer: "Cause no matter how much you may want to punch me in the face, kick me in the stomach, whatever...it's still nothing but love here. That's why we can come together and build like this. You in my life from here on believe that...

Me: *waves hand like "Boy stop"

The Killer: *pauses his sentence and gives me the mean face* YOU THINK I'm BULLSH*TTING YOU?!?!?!? YOU DON'T THINK I MEAN THAT SH*T???

Me: "Nah, not that. I did that because don't no body want to punch you in the face or stab you..."

The Killer: *Laughing* "WHO THE F*CK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT STABBING??? You wanna stab me shorty???

I start laughing at this point too because I didn't even mean to say that. I surprised myself to the point where right after I said the words I said "What?!" as if they came from some one else. lmao

As if that wasn't bad enough, as he's clowning me now and calling me crazy, I'm trying to tell him how I don't even believe in resorting to violence with guys and that I'm so conceited that I truly believe the worse thing I can do to ANYone is take my love away. I'm not going to get all crazy, nah, I'm just gonna make it so that you don't have the pleasure of seeing my face or hearing my voice.

Anyway, I'm steady trying to convince him of my sanity with arguments like "I cheered when Jody knocked Yvette's ass out after she hit him when he was trying to leave" and ish like that. Then I say, "Cause I am so not even the f*ck your money up, kill your dog type of chick." Again...what??? (did I mention that he has two dogs, Prada and Polo that he adores???)

He again pauses and then starts laughing like 'You gonna kill my dog???" By now we're both laughing uncontrollable and I'm trying to tell him, "Noooooo, I meant to say rabbit!! I don't even know why "dog" came out." (I was thinking Basic Instinct). He then says "Like that's any better!!!" and shakes his head.

After we calm down our laughter a little, I give him the *kanye shrug* and say, 'F*ck it. I told you awhile back that you bring out my violent side, so just get your sh*t together and shouldn't have any problems.

Drugs are bad people. SMH

Ugliness in Hip Hop: Hurricane Chris

I’ve been trying not to make a big deal out of this, but it’s weighing too heavy on my brain not to. I am so tried of the ugly mofo’s with money talking about women as if we are just as expendable as the latest pair of Jordan (cause we all know they’ll be a newer, more prettier pair out in just another month). Now usually I just ignore the lyrics in rap music. Being from the hood, I see chicks just like the ones the rappers bash on a daily basis. Yes, rap is ridiculously misogynistic; however some of us give them more than enough material. If we did better, perhaps rappers would. Having said that, I also recognize that there are MANY women out here who are the polar opposite of the females who are out here scheming, popping out babies and being just scallywags in general. Women who are beautiful inside and out, humorous, ambitions, intelligent, creativity, and just all around good women looking for a good MAN. Yet, we all get grouped into the same basket of messy as far as some men are concerned (namely these oogly rappers that inspired this blog).

The part that confuses me is that these rappers (and the guys on the street who drink the kool-aid and think that they too can treat women any old kind of way despite the fact that they have not a record deal, iced-out BIG ASS CHAIN medallion, or even a minimum-wage job to offer said women)…..*sighs*…as I was saying, the part that confuses me is that these fu*kers think that they deserve a women that looks like Halle Berry. Yes, “Hurricane Chris”, this ones for you. Have you looked in a mirror? Ever? Do you see yourself? The Department of Treasury and the Federal Reserve does not print enough money for Halle Berry or any sane person to not only stomach that alien face of your, but put up with the bulls*t that speweth from your mouth. Seeing the video for the song “Playa’s Rock” is what first made me take notice of the bulls*t that is Hurricane Chris:

Everythang was cool we was feeling each otha

Chillin in the jacuzzi just water no bubbles

You know me I keep it gutta

Hit it until you studda

Then she got there asking me questions

Like she was undercover

Like who was that lil chick that I let ride up in my ride

I'm a pimp so it ain't nothing for me to think of a lie

But I'd rather keep it real

And tell her just how I feel

Looky here if you see with with anotha chick

Then it's just what it is

You ain't my main dame

I just beat you out the frame

Baby I'm hurricane

You gotta stay in yo lane

Stick to the script of a pimp

And follow my gutta rules

And I u feel like u wanna leave

Then do what you do

Baby u think I'm goin cry

Just becuz I lost you

Everytime I loose one

I bounce back with 2

How you think I got you

Somebody got laid off

I'm a pimp I pimp a chicken

Until she get plaid out

I can't even put the whole song because it makes me want to throw sh*t all around. Last time I did that in my office, my boss didn't really approve, so I'm trying to be cool. But,all I really wanna know is, what Pinocchio lied to the child and told him he was hot???? I blame the girls of Louisiana for gassing his head up to the point where he is just down right delusional. He ain’t even make the Top 10 MC’s list. Seriously, who’s checking for him???? iCan’t

Now this rant isn't by any means to imply that good looking rappers and big name rappers have any more right to talk sh*t about women on their tracks. But, to keep it all the way 100, I'd tolerate that sh*t a whole lot more coming out of Method Man's or Common's mouth. Why? because I can see why they'd be cocky like that. Yes, all people have different tastes as far as apearances, but knowing what I know, I can't see how ANYone would look at Hurricane Chris and thinks "Mmm, mmm, mmm... I needs me a peice of that!"...especially if he wasn't the semi-known rapper that he is and talking the bullsh*t that he talks on his records. I can definately see Meth and Common getting draws in the hood, even if they were working at UPS and driving Hondas. (mainly cause I'd be the main one supplying them with the drawers, but I digress.)

Next up...Mr. Ross are you serious?

Now ain't this 'bout a ...

Following are random babblings from an extremely drunk, fed up chick..... (Don't judge me fu**ers)...

Next month marks one full year since I began my relationship with "The Chief". Since then I have been dependent on others to get me lifted. First it was Mr. Big, then it was "OG"(whom I haven't spoken to or heard from since we had an incident back in May *tee hee* another day, another day...), occasionally it would be my partner-in-crime and then it was The Killer. Whomever it was that bought "The Chief" and I together, it was never me just going to my local corner pharmacist and getting it myself. Now that all of the previously mentioned people are either dead to me or determined to stay in the house until she cops a new whip (I hate her for that by the way), I am doomed to go without. Fu**ed up thing is, when I didn't partake, EVERYone around me did and I was always the odd man out. Now that I DO get down, it seems like those I surround myself with either have to stay clean for some job or are trying to be "responsible" WTF?! This brings me to my next point...

I'm a backwards ass.... When my friends were out wildin' a few years back, I was at home making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, having "movie nights" watching all four seasons of "Dinasaurs" and helping the kid with his homework. Now that I have myself an entire school year off (the kid is a few states away staying with his paternal grandparent - long story), I find myself left to pAAArty alone. Even my partner-in-crime who, despite having a child way earlier than I, had a moms who didn't mind being her enabler and damn near raising her daughter for her (again, a long story). Anyway, even she is now at home doing the single mom thing (now with a whole new second baby that needs her attention.) All I wanna know is, when the hell did everybody grow up??? Is it so wrong that I wish she would be an irresponsible, neglecting f**k up for just one more year so we can run the streets together??? I don't wanna always have to depend on my flavor of the month to keep my nights occupied.I wanna party with my girls (the other ones are working non stop and/or boo'd up or pregnant) Ugggh. We can never all be in sync. Ain't that some old bullsh*t?!?!?!? I've only got another two good years to blame my reckless behavior on my twenties and only one of those will be without my baby's ever-impressionable eyes a'watchin" lol I NEED TO BE GETTING IT IN DAMMIIT!!! Too bad I'm not a people person, I'd have me a whole new crew of young chicks with no responsibilities what so ever to help me drain the bars and tease the boys. Speaking of boys...

The Killer has lost his ever loving mind. He's losing focus, so I've been backing off to teach him a lesson. Once he notices, I'm sure he'll get it together... lol (ok, that was a joke, but , truth be told, dude is the sole reason why I'm 3 sheets to the wind right now. I'll supply details later...if things get better with us...if not, I'll just never mention his a*s again. *Kanye shrug* That's how it be's sometimes...which leaves me no choice but to recognize the fact that....

I've noticed that I only like a guy if I have to do the chasing. I've had three guys recently damn near profess their undying love to me and I kinda just gave them the gas face and laughed. I really need to get over this issue that I have. Like if a guys comes on extra strong, I automatically assume he's out to get me because (I guess) I don't think I'm worthy enough to have them genuinely want me that much? Which is really kinda weird considering I happen to be one of the most conceited people I know...weird...just one more thing to be worked out in therapy, I guess ( when I can afford it, that is). Which reminds me...

I got a raise at work...not what I asked for, but a raise nonetheless..so Whoohoo?!? I'd say I'm in what they call the "golden handcuffs". I want to leave (ONLY b/c this is not the field I want to work in and I see no real room for growth.The job itself is just fine tho), yet I make just enough to keep me satisfied plus its so damned convenient. I may stay until I'm done with my Masters. We'll see...

My urge to "Chief" was so strong earlier that I literally wanted to cry. CRY. I won't go so far as to say I'm an addicted, but damned if I ain't headed in that direction. And it's not just the "high" part that I wanted. I longed to lick the blunt wrapper and roll up...wtf??? I know... *hangs head in shame while looking out the corner of my eye to see if anyone pulls out a bag out of pity for me* Which brings me to my next point....

Drug dealers suck!!!. I'm just saying, if you gonna sell D. Ruggs then sell D. Ruggs dammit. So tired of all this "I don't sell after 8pm" or "Call me back at whatever time". N*gga, you are a drug dealer...deal the fu*king drugs already!!! Smch

I think I may finally be sleepy... thank you Paul Masson!

'Nite people!

C'mon son/Enigma drives these niggas crazy

I got the funniest voicemail ever from this dude on Saturday. I had given him my number over the summer only to learn that he in the halfway house and had been out on a weekend pass when we met. We'd first met in July and his release date was for early September. Needless to say, the conversation that revealed that little tidbit was the last one he had with me where there was not much 'tude radiating from the other end. Even after my attitude change, he proceeded to do his best to woo me. This included sending me love notes. *insert blank stare here*

These "love notes" were actually "poems" inspired by yours truly. Notice the use of those there (" '') thingies? Yea? Well that's because them damned things weren't no effing poems, they were just a bunch of words on a piece of paper. I know, who am I to critique the work of a true arteest, right? We'll I'll dig one up for ya'll so ya'll can see what I mean. One that comes to mind started with "When I wake up in a flirtatious mood, yada, yada, yada" Just wait and see...ya boy can write some fuckery.

Anyway, he has proven that he got jokes, mostly without him even trying. Did I mention that he rarely calls me by the (fake) name that I gave him? Nope, old boy prefers to instead call me his little "Strawberry Shortcake flavor of the month" or his "Caramel Delight flavor of the month" or "Insert name of gooey delicious dessert treat here" followed by....you guessed it..."flavor of the month". To make it worse, he always talks to me in the sing-songy, whispery voice that is just weird considering that he's the size of Shrek.

First of all, who the F**K wants to be referred to as any body's "flavor of the month"??? Second of all, who the f**k gave you my number....wait...what's that you say??? I did??? Oh ... well.... why the f**k do you insist on calling when I've made it quite obvious that my favorite daydream is that of an anvil dropping on your head right in the middle of you reciting your "poetry" ???? smch

Anyway, the day they release him, he calls me and says "Hey my little Butterscotch Krumket flavor of the month. I'm home ...so now we can be together." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I proceeded to laugh so hard and so loudly that the poor guy had no choice but to hang up.

SMH.

I know, I'm a bitch, but I have never once denied this, in fact, I often brag about it, so there :-P

You would think that he'd get sick of my shit once he was out and the amount of panties to conquer was limitless, but no, he kept on trying with me. He would call randomly, and ask me to meet him somewhere and my response would always be "I can't, I just washed my hair". (Yes, I know in my profile it says I pride myself on being a good liar, and I am. However, he wasn't even worth me wasting the good lies on.)

Anyway, last Friday he called me while I was at work and said he would be in my neck of the woods after work and wanted to know if we could meet for a sec. Now, since I had told him during our first meeting that one of the dudes who was know on the inside and out in civilization for being balls out NUTS (and who he seemed to be afraid of) was like a brother to me, I in no way felt threatened by dude, so I told him sure. He was supposed to be meeting with his attorney so I told him to call me when he was leaving the attorney's office. Since it would be about a 30 minute drive, i figured this would give me enough time to get re-dressed since I usually come home from work and get naked and hang up my half-wig.

So later that evening, as I'm shooting the shit with one of my nieces, he calls and says he's around the corner. I hate when people don't listen, don't you? Anyway, after giving him the teeth sucking of a lifetime, I tell him I'll be over in a minute. Now, I know some of you may be wondering why I even bothered. Well, honestly, I wanted to see him again to see if he was worth me ever speaking to again. I mean, there was a reason why I'd given him my number in the first place, right? (You know, besides the fact that at the time I didn't know he was convict or a loon).

So I walk around the corner and I see this dude walking towards my hood. Screeeeech. Pump the brakes, homie!!! The place I'd told him to meet me was around the corner and THREE BLOCKS AWAY from my hood. WTF was he doing RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER????

And had the nerve to still be walking like he was coming TO my hood. As if that wasn't grounds enough for me to get Kaycee, the local crack head to f**k him up, dude had the audacity, the unmitigated gall to be wearing RED sweatpants, a white tee w/ a RED long john shirt half on and a RED wave cap to top it off....?? Did I mention that i live in the H O O D??? Now, I don't give a fuck about any colors but those of gummi bears (i prefer the green ones) and condoms (if you can't fit the one in the gold wrappers, I am not the girl for you), but I am quite certain of many dudes in my area that do care very much so about colors. And who the hell rocks red sweatpants anyway???

I walk up on him figuring I'll just turn him around. When he sees me, he opens his arms for a hug and me, always a sucker for a bear hug from an actual live bear gives him one. My nostrils were immediately assaulted and my tiny nose hairs singed from the stench of beer coming off this dude. It smelled as if he'd took a bath in about 40 tall cans of Coors Light and then splashed on the finest Miller Light cologne he could find. I immediately put my hands up to his chest to back him up. When I did this he said "Here you go with this dumb shit..!" to which I replied "Nigga what???" He kept on saying "Nothin" and walked a little passed me towards the direction I had just come from. I, still in shock over his smell, was still facing the opposite direction with my mouth open when i felt him mush my head ever so gently and mumble "Something something BITCH" as he crossed the street and walked back in the direction he'd come from.

Still in shock I laughed loud as hell and told him that he had 20 seconds before I yelled for the goon squad (who were just around the corner out of sight). He didn't say anything else or turn around but the sight of seeing his big ass imitating a crack head at 3 in the morning* with that extremely brisk walk he was doing was PRICELESS. I didn't even bother to call on my dudes because they tend to go hard just for the fun of it and I really don't need any felony murder or conspiracy charges on my plate right now.

You would think that that would be the end of it...but no...you'd be wrong.

He called me ten minutes later (I don't know how, but he was already at the train station that was at least 15-20 minutes away by car, 30-45 minutes away by bus). He apologized profusely to which I replied "Nigga you must be out you're rabbit ass mind if you think shit is sweet. Call my phone again and see what happens" and hung up**.

Think it ends there? You'd again be wrong.

SMH

This Saturday I get a letter from him apologizing again and asking that I forgive him and that he never meant for me to see his "dark" (read: drunk) side and that he doesn't want to make an enemy of me. Mmmm hmmm....

Later that day, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. I ignore it and send it to voicemail and forget about it until I go to lunch today. So as I'm waiting on my order from my favorite little taco cart full of Mexicans, I finally remember and listen to the voicemail. It's Six Four and HE"S SINGING. I don't recognize the lyrics until he gets to the chorus and sings ''Hellllllooooo? Is it meeee you're looking foooooooorrrrrr...?????"

ROTFLMMFBAO!!!!

So

many

questions!!

Like... Who does that????, what guy under 35 do you know that knows the actual lyrics to a friggin;' Lionel Richard song??? Why would THAT be the song that makes him think about ME??? Who's watching him??? What slacker ass cleared him for release back into civilization????

iCan't. iWon't. and Dammit, iShouldn'thaveto!!!!!

SMH

I can't make this stuff up, man.. C"MON SON!!!

*You ever see a crack head walking the streets in the wee hours of the morning? I have no idea why, by they walk extremely fast. Funniest sight ever! lol

**I received this phone call while in the presence of my niece who, no doubt , now thinks...excuse me...knows that her Auntie is a "G" lol